I hate to admit this, but I was too
perplexed stupid to actually read the e-mail yesterday. I waited until I was alone and watched the clip. To my complete horror, I realize I had just been victimized by a stinging jellyfish e-mail. "Jellyfishers" are people who have this annoying talent as being able to insult you without actually insulting you. The sting comes from nowhere with no warning and you actually wonder if you have a right to be upset.
The clip in the e-mail accomplished just this. If we were still together, I'd take the e-mail as a joke. He and I often picked on each other, both of us being upperclass smartasses. But when you're broken up and haven't spoken to each other in a month and all of a sudden you get this e-mail that takes a dig at you- it's not funny, it's insulting.
I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt he did this intentionally- I know him better than he knows himself at times. I think he did it to get back at me for the comment that he alledges broke the proverbial camel's back. There were 2 responses I deliberated sending him: the first one reading, "Now we're even," and the second one reading, "how very hateful of you." I sent neither. I figured I'd respond when he has something to say- all he can do is jellyfish me over the internet, so it's not worth it. If I respond then he knows he got to me and I'm currently working the cold, distant, ice queen approach.
This doesn't mean I'm not pondering filling my public blog with fake dates for when he checks it.
~Friday, September 30, 2005
I hate to admit this, but I was too
~Thursday, September 29, 2005
Oh Holy God. I open up my e-mail today and in my inbox is an e-mail from him. It's a forwarded e-mail of a movie line. He sent it to me and a handful of other people. It was just the movie clip with no other message attached. We haven't communicated since I called him up shortly after Hurricane Katrina, which didn't go particularly well for me.
What do I do? I don't think he accidentally added me- when you break up, you notice things like that. Did he open the lines of communication? Should I respond?
~Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I miss him today. I genuinely miss him. I miss his presence.
Instead of thinking that it's over, that we're not getting married, and that I'm going to have to start this dreadful process all over again, I'm thinking about him the person.
Oh God, I miss him.
~Monday, September 26, 2005
When I met his college friends for the first time, one girl let it slip that Mark usually dated fatties. This made me tear up a bit because I thought she was calling me a fatty, but then again I was also tanked. After some calming down his other friends assured me that I am an exception to Mark's fatty fetish.
I believe them now, but the thought of him dumping me to be with fatties is horrendous.
~Saturday, September 17, 2005
I fucking hate my alma mater. I've had many boyfriends during college and it's never made me hate my school before. I didn't even begin to date Mark until after I had graduated, so I don't know why it's affecting me now.
Maybe it's because I remained in my college town until my recent move home. He always drove up to see me, only a handful of times I drove down to visit him, so we were always on my turf. Maybe it's because we bonded over my school. His parents and sister attended there even though he did not. Maybe it's because his family still has football season tickets.
I used to love college football. Every gameday I'd deck my car out in flags and pom poms and wear school colors. I'd scream at the TV and cheer my team on.
Right now people are trying to get me to watch the game and it makes me want to cry. Maybe it's because I know he's there right now.
~Friday, September 16, 2005
I made it until 2:30 today before I realized that today is Mark's birthday. Then I had a complete emotional breakdown. At first I was crying because it was 2:30 and I was just now realizing that it was his birthday- I felt like a bad person. Then I briefly felt better because I made it to 2:30 before I remembered it because I was succeeding in getting over him. And then I cried even harder because of that.
I had decided a week ago not to acknowledge his birthday. I had already bought and made presents for him before we broke up. I was debating whether to send him a card and just the present I had made for him or to do nothing. I thought that if I send him the present, he would think good thoughts about me and if I did nothing, then he would feel the loneliness of his birthday. I decided to let him be lonely.
I was so emotionally worn out that I spent the rest of the afternoon napping. That's one nice repercussion of depression- you get to kill time and sleep.
~Thursday, September 15, 2005
Had my first ever therapy session today. My mother set it up without discussing it with me first. I thought I was doing better after the last phone call with Mark. I had some closure to everything- it was easy to think about how much he has changed. I never thought he could be like this. I actually made it a couple of days without crying. Then she springs the therapy on me. Apparently she's been talking to them for days, trying to set me up with it. I felt like it was done behind my back.
As time grew near for me to go, I started getting more and more upset. I would break down for no reason. I didn't want to go- I didn't want to be weak about the break-up. I'm not the first person going through this; this isn't my first time going through this.
My therapist is one year older than me, thinner than me, has been married for 7 years, and has 2 foster children. She possesses everything I want for my life and I resent her a little for it. She isn't going to understand why I don't want to go back into the dating world; she isn't going to understand the broken heart and rejection.
She says that the first session is to learn about me and asks me questions about my family. Then she delves into what my mother said about me while setting up the appointment. My mother told me that all she revealed was that I recently lost both my job and my boyfriend. The therapist, T, says that my mother said I was depressed, had anger issues, and problems with relationships- both inside and outside the family, among other details. All of a sudden I was furious with my mother. I didn't tell T this. I don't know what to tell her. What's the point of talking about the past, aren't you supposed to be helping for the future?
~Monday, September 12, 2005
The last time I saw Mark, we just spent a wonderful weekend together. I was turning my car around in his driveway and he was standing on his front porch, waving at me and I had this thought: This will be the last time I ever see him.
~Thursday, September 08, 2005
Called him last night. I pretty much knew the outcome of the phone call before I even made it, Maybe I just needed to hear it again for closure. Maybe I just wanted someone to cry to. I don't know. I shouldn't even try to understand myself right now.
Spent the hour we were on alternating between blubbering, wailing, trying to catch my breath, and hiccuping. He wasn't rude, but he was very firm and curt. He mainly was silent and listened to me cry.
I'm used to easier break-ups than this. Bob and Ryan both weaned me off them. They would sit with me when I got too drunk, hold me while I sobbed, and took a general concern for my well-being.
I told Mark about the panic attacks, how when I find something of his I can't breathe, and my body just generally shutting down. Half a dozen times I whimpered, "I'm not doing that well." I wanted a kind word from him, something to soothe me. I had to ask him questions. He wouldn't respond to "When did you stop loving me?" but I did get him to admit he missed me sometimes and that he still cared about me.
He made up his mind. I have no delusions about us ever getting back together. He completely shut off whatever we had, which makes me feel incredibly stupid because I don't work that way. He didn't want to sit with me on the phone; I don't even know why he did it. When he said things like, "It won't always hurt like this," he sounded almost angry. No "I'm sorry," or "I wish things could have been different." No tenderness. He's done. He made a decision and he's going to stick with it.
What I do know is that he's not like this. I've never heard him be unkind to anyone since the day I met him. I want to know how he stopped caring so abruptly so that I can stop too.
I asked gently if we were ever going to talk again and he said he didn't know. I asked him how we should end the phone call. He didn't know, but he needed to go to bed because he hasn't slept much the last couple of nights. I asked why too excitedly: I wanted to hear that he was struggling too, that would mean what we had was real. He said he didn't know why. "Good night," he said.
~Wednesday, September 07, 2005
I think the worst thing about break-ups are seeing other couples. Everywhere. I see them canoodling in the grocery store and I just want to swing my basket at them. Looks like I've entered phase II: the angry-as-fuck phase.
Began referring to Mark as "The Crybaby." As in "Oh my girlfriend made a joke at my expense. I'm going to break up with her and run to my Mommy and cry about it." At the dinner table when my mother and step-father make sharp quips at each other, I say, "Mark would break-up with you too."
Still no call and I'm devastated, but I'm also becoming very angry. My other serious relationships, Bob and Ryan, both cried when they left me. They said I was the girl you marry, not the girl you date, and they weren't ready for that so they had to let me go. And they cried. Those two both also tried to get back together with me. Ryan has since asked me to move in with him again when I cried to him about Mark.
But Mark, no phone call, no remorse, no second thought. He was the cruelest of all break ups. I told my mom I was going to call him, but she talked me out of it. We went from looking at rings and houses to absolute silence. I'm both stunned and angry that he can switch gears so quickly. It makes me feel that we were never really together at all, that everything was just facades and lies. I've loved him more than anyone else and none of it was real to him.
I'm in a city I haven't lived in for 6 years, making me a stranger in my own hometown. I'm a prisoner in my own home because of gas prices and a severe lack of money. Looking for a job just brings on a series of rejection in addition to this.
My life is very cruel right now.
~Tuesday, September 06, 2005
I dreamt about him last night. I dreamed I called him up and asked him if he received the letter. He said he did, but it didn't change how he felt.
It's been a week since we spoke, a week since I sent him that letter and I received no response. I'm getting that itch to call him again. He said he would call when he got the letter. I have to ask myself, do I really want to call so he can reject me again?
- He "nothinged" the letter. It didn't move him and it didn't make him angry. This reason is the most terrifying of all.
- His parents intercepted the letter and never gave it him. Yes, he's 27 and lives at home. I always thought his parents never really liked me. This fear is part of the reason I told him one was coming, so he could expect it and ask questions if it didn't show up on time.
- He talked to his parents about getting back together with me after he read the letter, but his parents talked him out of it. Additionally, they told him to cut off all communication with me.
- The letter made him stop and think about us. He doesn't know what to do. I brought up some really good points and he isn't that angry anymore. He's in turmoil over whether to try again or not. He hasn't called because he doesn't know what to say.
- The letter managed to piss him off some more. He ripped it up and hasn't given me a second thought. He's not even going to bother calling.
I don't even know what the most probable answer is anymore.
~Thursday, September 01, 2005
Still hasn't called. Either he's contemplating my words, hasn't received it yet, or it was delivered and his parents threw it out. I'm rooting for the first one.
I didn't have any chest pains while I was sleeping, but they are coming on today, just like they did yesterday. This is going to be the end of me.