I made a decison. I am going to spend New Year's Eve alone. Voluntarily. CB wanted me to spend New Year's on a date with him, but to be honest, I'm just not that into him. So if I spend New Year's Eve on a date with him, then it's just so I can spend New Year's Eve on a date, and that's kinda pathetic. I feel like it's important to forgo boys for one night and take control of this romantic mess I find myself in and spend it alone. It's very symbolic for me: I, who cannot be happy without a man, am choosing solitude over a date. I am choosing not to have anyone to kiss at midnight. This is up to me; I am in control. A symbolic start to a new beginning. If Nick can treat me like he did (we are unofficially not speaking to each other right now after an unofficial fight,) then I obviously have no clue when it comes to guys and need a night off.
~Saturday, December 31, 2005
~Thursday, December 29, 2005
I'm in the car with my step-mother today and she's asking me about CB. I said the date was alright but he didn't have the vocabulary I did or comes from the family I do. She said that maybe he's really good in other areas.
"He can make a hell of a cup of coffee, right?"
"That he can do."
I sat there for a minute. Maybe I am judging him pretty harshly. He does make the best coffee I've ever had, that counts for something.
Love, Sarah at 7:17 PM|
~Wednesday, December 28, 2005
When I want Nick to call, CB does. When I'm out with CB... Nick does. How do they freaking know?
Nick sent me an essay he wrote for graduate school and wants me to take a look at it. I just sat down and opened up the file...I have a long night ahead of me. I have had 2 jobs in publishing and am fairly confident in my writing (except on here, this is more of a forum to organize my thoughts rather than stretch my creative mind.)
Tonight I'm going to sit at home and fix his essay.
What's wrong with this picture?
I'm not sure if he's taking advantage of my good nature or my heart, but I'm about to waste a night by dedicating it to further his academia. It's not like I have any other plans, but still...
My date with CB went alright. We laughed and picked at each other. After the wings and beer, we went to a CD store and then to a movie. We talked mainly about music, because that's his passion, and he was considerate enough to not laugh at my musical tastes. I told him if he did, it would hurt my feelings and he was very careful about that.
I couldn't really converse with him on my level: I found myself defining words for him. He didn't even know "barrista" and that's what he does for a living. That's something that's going to be a big issue with us.
However, I was impressed when he picked up on my guard against him. He knew that I was protecting myself and accommodated himself accordingly, being a little gentler with me. I agreed to see him again. He dates around a lot, and that's not really my modus operandi so he has an uphill battle with me to trust him.
Love, Sarah at 8:15 PM|
~Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Nick brought up New Year's Eve today and said that some of his friends are going to spend it in my city and invited him along. Before I got too excited, he told me that he already told someone that he was going to his/her party. Probably a she. I tried to get him to ditch those plans and come see me, but he wouldn't. I knew he wouldn't. He's a man of his word and it's part of the reason I like him so much.
He did say that if it fell through, he would come. So I have like a 10% chance of spending New Years with him. I sort of wish he never told me this. That way I would have never known that there was even a chance. If there was no chance, I wouldn't feel disappointed. I hate feeling disappointed.
My date with CB is tomorrow and I'm warming up to him a bit. He wanted me to plan the date and I decided on wings and beer at a place down the street from us. Apparently, he lives right around the corner from me. He seems like a warm person and we've been teasing each other on our talks on the phone so it's going well so far.
~Sunday, December 25, 2005
I was wondering if I was going to get a Christmas phone call from Nick. At 12:08 AM, my phone rings. It's CB wanting to wish me a Merry Christmas. This is the story of my life: I like a guy and end up feeling like a lost puppy dog and some other guy is bending over backwards for me. I know how this story ends too: I will ruin things with nice guy over my feelings for guy-who-doesn't-want-to-be-with-me.
Truth is, I've never felt that I'd lost out when that happens.
CB is very excited about our upcoming date this week. I wish I felt the same. For me it's more of he's the only guy in town I know and it's this or sitting at home. One major concern I have about CB is that he's not in the same financial class as me. I'm used to a certain lifestyle and prefer to date guys also in that lifestyle. Oh well, I'll give it a shot. He seems like a sincere guy, maybe I'll end up liking him.
Love, Sarah at 9:40 PM|
~Saturday, December 24, 2005
It's late Friday night. Nick and I have been conversing more, but I'm not going to put any pressure on him about anything. My best friend and my parents have noticed a change in me though. Today, I noticed it too. When I'm happy I sing. I'll make up songs about whatever I'm doing at the moment and I'll sing to the dogs. It's rather silly, but that's how I know I'm happy.
I've been singing for 2 days straight now.
My best friend knew within 30 seconds of talking to me. "You got some. Who's the guy?" He asked. Now my parents are asking me questions about Nick, like how did I meet him and what does he do for a living.
So the situation basically sucks. I genuinely like someone and he returns the sentiment but we can't be together. Hmph.
I'm telling you now this isn't going to be some situation of me pining for some guy who doesn't want to make the effort. I am not setting myself up to get hurt again.
I met a guy at a coffee shop tonight and he likes me. He seems really nice and sweet, but I don't know if I can date someone who makes coffee for a living. Before you say that this is just a stepping stone between jobs, he even said he's making a career out of it and is expecting to get promoted soon. I bust my ass and go to college and finally get a real job and prepare to embrace the world of yuppiedom...and I meet a coffee barrista.
And even though I don't want to admit it, I feel fulfilled right now by Nick. We have no immediate plans to see each other again soon, but we are talking regularly and the sweet memories are still fresh.
Maybe I should go out with C.B. to get over Nick. Should I tell Nick that I have a date? Is this what my life is going to be? Me just dating random people to get over the last one?
I'm so ready for the next chapter of my life to begin, but secretly I'm beginning to think it never will.
~Friday, December 23, 2005
I awake before Nick and I pad through the house, looking for some IB Profin. I wander in the kitchen looking for both the meds and a coffee maker. I find neither. I pad back to the bedroom and sit in the crevice that Nick created by sleeping on his side. He opens his eyes, looks at me, and smiles. Sigh. I love how he gives me the same smile every morning. I asked where the drugs were and head back to the kitchen and take them.
I wander out of the kitchen and stop in my tracks. For the very first time, I see the view the mountain house has to offer. (It was dark and scary when we arrived.) The sun is just peeking over the mountain and it's absolutely gorgeous. I wrap myself in a blanket and go out onto the porch and sit in the swing and just watch the sunrise.
I was out there awhile. Passingly, I glance back into the house and see Nick standing on the other side of the window. It takes a minute to register so early in the morning and I scream at the top of my lungs and almost fall out of the porch swing. So I'm skitish. I did the same thing last night, only we were in the car and I saw a tree branch. But I swear it looked like a person.
We lay on the couch together watching the sun rise and I open my mouth. "What's going to happen when I leave?"
He said the distance was a problem. It's actually the exact reason he and his last ex broke up a couple of months ago. It was understandable and logical and secretly I knew it was coming. He said he wanted to stay in touch and still see each other throughout the year.
Inwardly I cried. I just broke. I'm a rag doll. Guys use me up and then just throw me away when they're done. I don't know what about me makes me this way, but this is my fate. I had a flash of standing up and truly yell at Nick and take my anger of every man leaving me out on him. Then I remembered we were a good 2 1/2 hours from my car. Instead I wiped away a single tear and became completely resigned to my fate as a rag doll. When he changed the subject, I played along.
Then we slept together. I know how crazy it sounds, but after that news I decided Nick was going to be my official rebound from Mark and we're just going to have fun while it lasts, who knows when another guy will be interested in me? If I had waited on that conversation until afterwards, I would have felt even more hurt and used, but at this junction, I knew what I was getting myself into.
And that's basically what we did all day at the mountain house. I'll spare you the details. We were supposed to go snowboarding again, but it was too warm outside and I was too damn sore.
We broke for lunch and went to a local diner, the only place to eat in the mountains. We were sitting there and I realized that we were so far opposites that we didn't have anything to talk about. On the drive up to see Nick, I thought we could offer each other so much. He could get me more active, and I can show him how to relax. He's into outdoor adventures; I'm into urban adventures. He's the ying to my yang. Once we were alone together, however, I realized we had absolutely nothing in common to talk about. I'd bring up a funny commercial and he would tell me that he doesn't own a TV. We just read the jukebox menu and held hands.
So day 3 into the fling and we've already gone stale.
It gets dark and we drive back to his apartment and eat dinner and hang out with his roommate, another great and upstanding guy. Nick eventually disappears into his room and I hang with the roommate until it's bedtime. Nick has to work in the morning and all of a sudden, I felt like I was in the way. It's a school night for him and he's stressed about work and I felt like I shouldn't have even been there. I had a few drinks in me and I tell him this and offer to drive home, even though it's too late at night.
He grabs me and pulls me to him and says he was just thinking about work, and that he'd be stressing even if he didn't take the day off to spend it with me, but he's glad he did. We spent the night in each other's arms and even though it had been months since I've shared a bed with a man, it felt like that's the only way to sleep.
The good-bye the next morning was very simple and low key. He walked me to my truck and he hugged and kissed and promised to do it again "some time."
I didn't think I'd be upset when I got home, but I am. I have liked him in some form or another for years and I finally got my conquest. I'm pissed. I'm pissed we can't be together and have an actual relationship after mutually waiting all these years. I'm pissed we live too far away. I'm pissed we have nothing to talk about. I'm pissed he turned out to be one more person I want, but can't have. Even with all the problems I brought up, I still like him. A lot.
Because, I swear, when it's just him and me and the silence and the darkness- we do just fine.
~Thursday, December 22, 2005
We had to get up really early the next morning because we had snowboarding plans. I was worried he was going to be like every other guy that you hook up with and pretend nothing happened. But he kissed me good morning and through the drive to the mountains, he kept his hand on my knee.
We get to the mountains and I meet his friend Matt. One thing I always loved about Nick was that he has very cool and sincere friends: Matt was no exception. Matt hung around while Nick tried to get me up and running on the snowboard. Unfortunately, I have no talent when it comes to snowboarding and after a couple of hours, I took a break and let the boys hit the slopes.
Then it happened. The thing I hate most about myself in relationships is that I get pissed at the guy in front of his friends. It's perhaps the uncoolest thing a girl can do and it's inevitable with me. I felt somewhat justified in this scenario though:
I had completely given up on snowboarding for the day and had rented skis where I am a lot more comfortable. This way, I would be able to keep up with the boys and the 3 of us could hang together. I just walk out of the lodge with skis in hand, although I hadn't actually been on them in 5 years. My plan was to do a run down the greenie slope to get reacquainted and then follow the boys. Nick sees me and says simply, "Follow me."
Like an idiot I do. Nick and Matt catch a ride on the lift and I catch the next one by myself. We go about 2/3rds up the mountain and I'm a little nervous. It's a big effing mountain. Then they go up ANOTHER lift that goes to the top of the mountain. "It's not harder," they say, "just longer." Like an idiot I follow them up again. To the top of the effing mountain. And see the biggest effing drop I've ever seen in my life.
They get to the top and fly down the mountain, leaving me up there alone. I tackle it a little slowly and just when I was gaining my confidence, I hit the big drop. I cut hard to the right to slow me down and I check behind me: another skier is heading for the exact place I am. I curse very loudly, cut hard to the left, crossed over under the ski lift into a blocked off path, flip, and slide about 8 feet down the mountain head-first.
It scared the ever-living crap out of me. I just laid there in the snow, too stunned to move, and a man riding the lift above me shouted down and asked me if I was okay. I was fine, but I was shaking and scared shitless.
Then it hits me: where the eff is Nick? He is actually taking his second pass down the mountain and shouts to me if he should bring my lunch up to me. He meant it completely innocently, but I psyched myself out and can't figure how to get down this effing mountain. I drive 2 states to see him and he's off with his buddy, riding the lifts and slopes with him; I'm all alone. And I got pissed. I made it halfway down the mountain, almost in tears, and I saw him slow down and wait for me. I didn't smile, shot him an "eat shit"glance from behind my sunglasses, and chose another route down than what he was on.
I got down the mountain, took my skis off, and headed towards the lodge. I just needed to sit and calm down so I could stop shaking. Eff if I was going to tell him where I was going. I think Nick told Matt what happened and they were also headed towards the slope I took down, intercepted me, and offered to break for lunch.
I was quiet at lunch until Nick asked if I wanted to kick his ass. The situation was diffused. When we went back out, I told Nick to go with Matt, and let me do some passes down the greenie slopes, but to meet up with me later and actually do some runs with me and keep pace with me. I came down the mountain and I saw him sitting in the snow, watching me. I pulled up right to him and just when I was about to do a cool stop...I fell.
He was waiting for me.
Since my little episode I was a little worried that I had ruined things with us. But as soon as we we're alone again, he wraps his arms around me. We got in his car for another long ride to his mountain house. I immediately find his jacuzzi and fill it up and get in. I'm pretty banged up and I see some gnarly bruises forming. Nick comes in the bathroom and I ask if he wants to join me. He disappears, returns with a single candle, shuts off the lights, and gets in. And he gets friendly. Very friendly. I didn't reciprocate because I didn't want it to end up sex in the tub. He becomes quiet and I assume he's relaxing or meditating. Except after the tub, he can't stay still and paces around the house.
He finally settles on the couch. Without speaking, I make some tea, grab my book, and settle on the couch across from him and begin to read. After a few pages I steal a glance at him. He's watching me and he has the slightest smile. It melts my heart to think about it. Still silent, I close my book, grab the blanket, and crawl right on top of him and lay down. He strokes my hair for a few minutes and asks me if I'm upset. I tell him I'm not and I ask him the same.
"Why do you ask?"
"Simply because you asked me."
"Fair enough. No, I'm not."
He proceeds to tell me that he got pissed at me in the tub for not reciprocating, but he's over it. "I'm here now," I respond and he seems okay with this answer.
So day 2 into this fling and we already had our first fight. This can't be a good sign.
~Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I miss him.
I got up there Saturday afternoon and it was still pretty awkward. Granted we haven't seen each other in over a year. He wanted to go to bed around 9 because we had to get up at 5 am. We were sitting on his bed and he said, "Oh, I guess I should ask you... do you want to sleep on the couch?"
I put my head down and smiled, "No."
He smiled too and I quickly asked if that was a problem. I got the same "no." We laid in bed and just couldn't sleep. When he talked to me, he'd whisper. I asked why he whispered in his bedroom at 9 at night and he said that it makes the conversation "more intimate," and then I knew why everything between us was so awkward.
We laid there all night and talked on and off and quietly moved closer to each other. At 4 am, I couldn't stand it anymore and I kissed him. And broke the sexual tension. We finally fell asleep from 4:45 to 5 am.
He showered and let me sleep until 5:20 and when he came to wake me up, he laid on top of me, called me "Sunshine" and kissed me. And I knew this wasn't just a 3 1/2 hour trip for a booty call. I knew I was in trouble.
To be continued...
~Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Will called me a couple of weeks ago and told me he broke things off with his girlfriend and wanted to go out. I think I just laughed nervously and hung up the phone. I'm not good with turning people down.
Nick, I have such a crush on him. We made plans for me to drive up and spend this weekend with him. He has a slight southern twang- I forgot he had that, or maybe I never realized it before. For some strange reason, I'm largely attracted to a man based on his voice. If I don't like it, I'm not attracted at all. He left me a message yesterday and I listened to it twice. He has a North Carolina accent, not a below-Atlanta Georgia accent. It's sweet.
When we talked on the phone last week, it was very awkward. Long pauses with nothing to say, and all my intelligence was absent during the conversation, leaving me blanking on the most obvious cliches. I do that when I like someone, I become very stupid. Maybe awkward is good? I'm very excited about this weekend.