~Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Putting It All Behind Me

I know Thanksgiving is this week and I have a couple of more holidays to endure, but I cannot wait until this year is over. It's just seemed like struggle after struggle, hardship after hardship. Now that things are looking up, I just want to move forward and put it all behind me.

Scott has been doing well at his new job. When I was shopping at the store the other week, his manager even told me that it was going to work out there. He's expressed clear interest in becoming management, and they seem receptive to his ambition. Once he's management, he'll be making more than me. Which I am a-okay with, other than the fact it seems more and more apparent you don't need a college education to do well in society. The only thing college seems to ensure is Saturdays and Sundays off.

He's also been really good at paying me back his portion of the bills from when he was out of work. I incurred a bit of credit card debt during that period, which I am paying interest on, so I am applying every penny he's given me to paying that down. I've also worked up a budget. After I paid all of my bills, I cut the remainder of my money in half and sent that to the credit card company as well, and I just live off the rest. It comes out to roughly $10 a day for food, gas, and whatever else I spend money on. It's been working as far as paying the debt down—I should be back at a zero balance next month—but it gets tiresome living like a pauper by the 21st of every month. But the end result will be much worth it.

When I'm done with my debt, I'm going to begin the new year with setting up additional retirement, savings, and investing accounts. I just don't want what happened when Scott had that accident and lost his job to happen again. The next time something financially burdening happens, I am going to be ready for it. Or at least prepared.

Scott's been watching me being so tight with my budgeting that it's starting to affect him too. I couldn't be happier since I'm the saver and he's the spender. When he saw me come home from the store with Big K cola, instead of my staple Diet Coke because it didn't fit in my budget, he said it really impacted him and he's made a few changes in his spending as well. Just yesterday he dropped all his additional features on his cell phone plan, which I had been telling him he didn't need for months, and it dropped his plan from $70 to $40 a month.

The year hasn't been a total wash. I had a lot of personal growth throughout 2008: I switched jobs which was great career-wise and it included a 25% raise; I got my first (almost) new car and my first car loan, which is a big deal if you've ever had bad credit; I took a class online that I needed to be eligible for grad school because I'm thinking about doing it; and I got out of debt in three months. If you look at it that way, I did pretty well this year.

I just want new beginnings and a new chance to flourish. With the new year comes the new presidency. I am just so excited about our new government elects; I think America absolutely made the right decision and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Things are going to change around here.

~Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Under Pressure

The short story of it all: I got depressed. What I was feeling was beyond a case of the blahs, I had lost the ability to process things normally. Anxiety attacks began overpowering me daily. Incorrectly billed medical statements would send me into a downward spiral of snot and tears. I just couldn't handle things anymore like a normal person--anything and everything sent me over the edge.

During my last visit with my endocrinologist, I was advised going on anti-depressants when I said my fatigue wasn't getting any better. My eyes began to tear at his suggestion. I had been this depressed before, when I first began this blog after a bad breakup in '05. I worked through it then without the aid of prescriptives. I thought I could do it again. I politely turned the doctor down.

But the difference between last time and this time were my responsibilities. As in, I didn't have any last time. I had lost my job the week before the break-up and I had nothing to do but watch reruns of ER on TNT and get better. This time I had a job, and the boyfriend, and all the responsibilities of keeping the house running.

One night I locked myself in the bathroom and lay on the shower mat and cried. At that moment, I lost the will to live. Suicide wasn't something I considered. It was more of I could lie on this mat for the rest of my life. Everything else is just too hard. Scott and I then got into a terrible fight. I still think he picked one with me just so I would show any emotion, any spark of life.

The next morning I called my doctor and asked for the prescription, and within three days I was feeling like myself again. The anti-depressants were like a breath of fresh air. Incorrect medical bills now only required a phone call instead of a cryfest. I feel human again.

I don't plan to be on them long-term, but in the meantime, they're my godsend.


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