It's all over

I'm completely over Mark. I knew this when I was going to visit some friends last week and I was able to listen to Josh Kelley. He and Mark are friends and I bought his new album probably about an hour before we broke up. I've been holding onto the CD, but I haven't been able to listen to it yet. Last week, I put it in and really enjoyed it and didn't get upset at all.

According to Sex and the City, it takes half the time you were together to get over someone. We were together a year, but I think 3 months is a sufficient amount of time. Long enough to not be scary to any new prospects. I think it's sad that you can get over and live without someone. After the break-up, you feel like you shouldn't be able to live or breathe, but you do. Do we ever really need someone? Is there someone we can truly not live without? The longer I live, I think the answer is no. You find someone and you form a partnership, almost like a business deal, to go through life together and to be each other's supports. Have children if desired. It's a sad way to look at life and love, but I think that's what it is.

I spoke to Nick again today, we were talking about our upcoming vacation together. I haven't seen him in over a year, probably closer to 2 years. It will just be the 2 of us going skiing and snowboarding, probably the longest amount of time we spend alone together ever. I'm looking forward to it. I hope he does like me- we're going to be sharing a hotel room and everything. I don't know about any longevity though. Nick is Jewish and I'm not and I don't know how important that is to him. We'll see. I guess that's the only thing I can say about the whole situation- we'll see.

Olive Juice

I've got myself an old fashioned crush. Nick invited me to go to his parents' cabin in NC and go skiing this season. At first it was great: getting excited over a guy and flirting back and forth. I smiled more and I was more motivated to work out. I figured that if the crush brought about these kinds of changes in me, then it was a good thing and I was just going to go with it.

Two days later and I'm anxious again. Probably from overthinking. I've know Nick for 3 years and all of sudden my feelings change. Has his? Had we always been flirty, or is this a new development? How do I change the vibe when I see him? Will I have to make a move? I'm not very good at that. He's always been so sweet to me and goes out of his way for me. Is he like this with every girl? Am I special?

I've always been extremely attracted to good manners. I often mistake good manners as someone liking me- I can't tell the difference between someone with good manners and someone trying to make an impression on me. Usually it ends up with me feeling like an ass.

What if we do get together? Is he just going to run over me too? Can I do anything to stop it? How do I protect myself without looking like a damaged crazy person?

My mind is racing and I'm generally anxious again. Those once happy feelings are gone. I'm just going to can this crush and stop this while I still can.

Then it comes to dating

I'm ready. I think I'm ready. At least for a rebound or a blind date.

I thought I would outgrow the whole I'm attracted to guys who just want to be friends and guys who do like me I wouldn't be seen in public with. I guess I should be comforted in the fact that some things never change. Ugh. This is my life!

Guy #1: Shep. Shep was a really nice guy I met through my public blog. He lives a couple of hours away and he seemed really nice. Nice is good. Forget everything else, I want a nice guy. Then he loses his game and begins revealing all these hideous things that you wait to tell people. TMI. He's lonely. It's been awhile since he had sex. He joined something called Adultfinder where he can meet up with people for casual sex.

He thinks I'm pretty.

I want to tell him that for future girls, he should watch his diarrhea of the mouth, and to stop talking to me!

Guy #2. Will. I went to high school with Will. We were good friends and nothing more, I wasn't attracted to him and we're in different financial classes. My family doesn't keep broken cars parked in the front yard. His does. He finds me through Myspace and tells me some really wonderful things. He can tell by my writing that I haven't changed, and this is a good thing. He loves my smile. Such nice things that I cried when I read them.

He tells me that he wants to meet for coffee. Whatevs, sounds fine. Then he tells me he's dating someone, but wants to go out with me. He feeds me these cheesy lines that I fell for once before with a different guy. I know now that one such creature spits those lines to every girl until he hits gold. Will is out. Will also needs to stop talking about himself so much.

Guy #3. Nick. Nick and I met in college. I was dating one of his friends. Nick actually tells me that I'm too good for the guy I was dating. Guy I was dating actually was the line spitter. I think there was a mutual attraction with Nick and I, but we were always dating someone else. Nick e-mails me this weekend. We're both unattached and yet it doesn't go anywhere beyond flirting.

Dammit!

You'll never see me on prime time TV

I can't believe I've been friggin' applying for jobs for 3 months now and I haven't found crap. I spend one day applying for jobs in Charleston and already I've been offered a position. For kicks and giggles, I apply to be an extra for a new television series in Charleston called "Palmetto Pines," a teenage show to air on the PAX channel. (I bet you can guess it's not going to compete with prime time shows.) I sent some photos and information about myself and they tell me that I'm in.

I'm not going to take it. The pay is only $75 a day and I can't afford to relocate to Charleston and live off of that. If I already lived there I might check it out, but being an extra is pretty boring and I think I'd go insane with "Back to one!" (I was an extra in 2 different movies and it convinced that I would never want to move to Hollywood to persue and acting dream.)

This, however, was enough encouragement to seriously start looking for positions in Charleston. There are far less job opportunities there than here, and zero writing/ editing positions, but I'm really enjoying the idea to moving to a place where no one knows me and I can start completely over with my life.