I'm pleased.

Blind Date Boy called. We talked on the phone for 45 minutes. The conversation went well, we spoke of me being new to the city and subsequently my mishaps and adventures.

"You have such great stories," he said.

He shared a few of his own when he was new and somehow it turned into a conversation of stupid things he's done while drunk. I wanted to be on good behavior so I didn't share any of those stories, but I listened to his. I think we were going for the "make each other laugh" routine.

When I told him about this dirty salsa club I ended up at last weekend (Famous last words walking up the stairs: "This place smells like pee."), he started to say, "Well I know not to take you th--" before he cut himself off. It was cute.

Awkward pauses were kept at a minimum, but there were a few. When he said it was time for him to go, he would start to say goodbye then lose his train of thought and begin to laugh. I took his hemming and hawing as a good sign and I just sat there and listened to him squirm. I won't lie, I had fun just listening. The last time someone was nervous around me was Nick almost 6 months ago. I miss that. I miss the newness and the excitement of things, it's the best part.

BDB was still trying to complete a coherent thought, "Anything you would like to add?"

What? No one has ever asked me that at the end of a phone call before. I don't think I've ever been asked that outside of a business setting. I was so bewildered and caught off guard that my response became quite a pause.

"Well, uh, I'm glad we finally got a chance to talk. (Pause) I'm pleased."

"You're what?"

"Pleased. I'm pleased." I put my head in my hand and shook it. Great. I was going to come off as flawless until he asked me that. Who says that?

"Well, I hope to talk to you again soon," he said as I simultaneously muttered, "Have a good night." I just wanted off the phone. Who says, "I'm pleased?" British Parliament?

Overall impression: I don't know. He sounded nice, but I didn't feel any sparks. I haven't met him yet and I refuse to get excited over someone I haven't even met.

The plan: Wait for him to call again. My friends say send him a short e-mail saying I had a good time talking to him to encourage him, but I don't want to force anything.

Be Honest: You're Not That Into Him Either, a review

This was my kind of book. Unlike the previous selection, this book is based on the thought that women are smarter than "He's Just Not That Into You" and have more power and control in relationships. It spoke intellectually, not condescendingly.

He says there are no rules to live by, and that any decision we make is not necessarily wrong, but he does point out the pros and cons of each. He encourages women to dump any "In the Meantime" relationship because it's detracting time from finding someone you really like.

I saw a lot of myself in the chapter, "You're not into him either, but you needed him to be into you."

Some things that really irritated me about the book: every time he spoke about women having casual sex, he ALWAYS qualified it with some lame parenthetical statement like (We all have needs) and he spoke about masturbation like it was something new and trendy learned from Sex and the City along with Cosmopolitans and expensive shoes. "Spend some time with your Jackrabbit." Seriously, does anyone actually own one of those?

But besides that, I'd recommend this book!

#&%*@!

Remember Becker? Of course you wouldn't, I hardly remember him either.

He calls me up last week and I'm going to quote him:

"Hey Sarah, I bought 2 tickets to see this movie that's only playing for one night. Do you want to go with me? You're the first person I asked!"

I liked the movie enough to own a copy of it, and I thought it would be cool to see it on the big screen so I said yes.

Turns out the movie was for Monday night. No big deal, I just had to skip the gym after work to go home and take care of my dog before I meet him.

Becker shows up with another girl. I have no idea who she is and we look at each other awkwardly. I stuck my hand out and introduced myself. Becker never explained who she was, but apparently he just gave her a ride to the theatre to meet up with other people because I never saw her again.

Then Becker hands me my ticket, "That's 9 dollars."

What? Are you kidding me? Did you really invite me to see a movie with you, mentioning you already had 2 tickets, and then charge me for mine? Are you serious?

My jaw fell open, I just know it did. I think I mumbled, "Thanks."

My mind raced. Could someone just refuse to pay like I wanted to? Or would that make me look like a spoiled princess? I never carry cash on me so I know I couldn't pay him back that night, I could just say I'll pay him next time and have there never be a next time. Instead I just chose to ignore the whole thing, pretending I didn't hear him.

Do people still do that? To be honest, I can't remember the last time a guy asked me out AND paid for me. Every time I tell my best friend in Florida about a date, he asks, "Did he pay for you?" Every time I tell him no. "You need a guy that will take care of you, Sarah," he sighs.

I sighed too, Monday night sitting in a movie theatre with another guy who's only concerned for his ticket.

So...

I was just going to forget about him, then I got an e-mail this morning from him apologizing yet again and asking for my number.

I'll give it to him, but I agree if he doesn't call in a timely fashion, I'm done!

Pressure

I've been e-mailing with Blind Date Boy for a couple of weeks now (I finally got a response 5 later).

I'm getting a little frustrated with the whole thing. He wanted to e-mail first "to get the line of communication flowing," which is all fine and well, but this has been going on for weeks now. I known less about people I've gone on "real" dates with, not just blind.

My friends say, "How cute, you're like pen pals!"

I don't find it cute at all.

They tell me it's okay to take control and offer up my number. "Sometimes guys just need a push," they say.

I've been resisting. I've always been assertive when it comes to dating and I'm trying to change my ways. "If he wants my number, he'll ask for it," I simply respond. She wanted to set him up with me-- he knows why we're talking. It's not an ambiguous situation.

Here's the thing: I don't want to keep e-mailing him. I don't want to e-mail for a month and finally talk on the phone or meet him only to find out I hate his voice, which is a complete deal-breaker for me.

He's supposed to be impressing me. I take 48 hours to respond to his e-mails; he takes 5 days. Out of the 4 e-mails he sent me, 3 came 5 days after I responded. That does not impress me. That's not even courteous. If I'm feeling frustrated before I even meet him, I can only imagine what would happen if it did turn into a relationship.

Part of me needs to chill out, I realize this. But this is getting to the point where I don't even want to go out with him anymore. I e-mailed our mutual friend and told her I was getting frustrated with all the e-mailing. She agreed it's getting ridiculous and told me she's getting the idea that he's nervous, but she doesn't know about what. She then said I should offer my number.

Sheesh.

I'm trying to change, people, and you're only encouraging me!

Karma Police

I opened my MySpace account and saw that I have new messages. I still feel special every time I log on and see someone wanted to talk to me. The message was from a guy named Alan and it was titled, "Have we met?" I rolled my eyes, thinking this is just another message from someone random hitting on me- I use MySpace for people I know in real life only. Not that getting told I'm pretty from strangers isn't an instant ego boost, because it is.

I opened up Alan's letter. He says that he thinks he met me in math class in high school and we saw some movies together. Am I the person he is thinking of?

Yes, yes I am.

Alan had just transferred my senior year of high school. He was quiet and geeky and nerdy and sat next to me in whatever senior math was, trig? I worked at the movie theatre throughout high school and I got free movies for me and a friend. I invited Alan to come with me a few times. He would borrow his parents' car and come pick me up. It was so cute.

I looked at Alan's picture. He had a "butt cut" back in the day. I was a sucker for the butt cut ever since seeing Ethan Hawke in "Dead Poets Society." Alan got hot. He filled out and grew about 4 inches. It's amazing how people change so much since high school.

After that semester ended, I never saw Alan again. I graduated from high school and he still had another year left.

I wrote Alan back. Yes that was me and what is he doing now, etc.

This was included in his response:


Well hello hottie! I had a good time back then too!

Had karma finally turned around to reward me? I took a chance on the new kid and was kind to him and he grew up into a hottie who thinks a lot of the time we spent together. I read further through his letter. He's living in Minnesota now. Um, that's clearly on the opposite part of the country from me. He says his parents still live here and that he comes down every few months. I frown and write him a response wishing him well.

But karma can still reward me, right? In the form of another geek-turned-hottie that will value me? Right? RIGHT?

I made it out alive

I haven't heard from Christopher in 3 weeks. This is the longest we've gone without seeing each other. The overall emotion I'm feeling right now? Relief. I am honest to God relieved that he hasn't called.

As much as I liked him, and the way we got along, he didn't give me something I knew I needed: emotional support. I could have never dated him exclusively; I could have never settled for someone who couldn't love me. In retrospect, I think one of the smartest things I did was to constantly look for someone else, even if it did kick me in the ass. I enjoyed him, I appreciated him, but I never thought that he was the end answer.

The distance I created by trying to see other people kept me from getting hurt. I am getting out of this alive. I am getting out of this without shedding a single tear. I am so proud of myself.

It ended the way I wanted it to: by dissipation. I have no ugly memories of him-- no harsh words were exchanged, no sitting through reasons why it could never work. To be honest, I've barely given him any thought. This probably testifies that there was never any emotion there to begin with, so much the better.

I hope he doesn't call me again. When he sets his mind to something, he can become pretty convincing. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to say "no" to him. This way, I won't have to.

He gave me a lot, and I'm grateful for that. He's the best looking guy I've ever been with, which boosts my self-esteem. He's the best sex I ever had, and I hope I remember enough to take with me what he taught me. He was always kind and treated me decently.

But I know that there are better things waiting for me out there.

He's Just Not That Into You: a review

I never wanted to read, "He's Just Not That Into You." I browsed through it on Amazon and decided that everything I needed to know, I learned in the title of the book. But after insistences from several women and my effort to change, I ordered it.

I read it this weekend, and when I finished the book, I promptly cried. Because that is what you do after reading 160 pages of all the ways men can reject you. It really ends on such a sad note, that the statistics are bleak, the odds of finding a guy that will treat you decently are more not than often. Even though it's punctuated with witticisms, "You just bought yourself 2 tickets for the He's Just Not That Into You train," it was wholly depressing.

I kept thinking of Ryan, an ex of mine who fit the part of the Not Into You Boy. It made me feel like our relationship was a farce. That when he told me he loved me, he didn't know what he was saying. We still talk to each other on a weekly basis and he has become a great friend of mine. This book made me feel like none of that was real because Ryan's faults were spelled out on a page for me. I hate this book for taking that away from me.

I know you're supposed to take this book on a basic level. It's a guideline, not a truth. That if this behavior transpires, more often than not the case is he just doesn't like you enough. It plays the Jiminy Cricket to your inner dialogue. So as long as you take it for its themes, it's an alright book. My favorite was to always think of yourself as the rule, not the exception to it; this will prevent you from becoming hurt and fantasizing about scenarios that will never play out.

It's good only if served as a periodic reminder to not make excuses for unacceptable behavior, but nothing more.

So this was my day yesterday-

9:45 am: No response.
10:15 am: No response.
11:51 am: No response.
1:20 pm: No response. Answered e-mail from the girls stating I received no response.
3:41 pm: Nope, nothing.
4:00 pm: Nothing. Updated girls and forced myself not to stare blankly at my e-mail anymore.

I thought for sure something would be there when I got to work this morning.

9:00 am: Not a freaking thing. And why am I getting spam all of a sudden?

Thank God for girls. The older I get, the more I realize I truly need them. I was clearing out some spam and Blind Date Boy and my mutual friend e-mails me:

If you replied to ______ and are wondering why he hasn't responded to you yet, his e-mail was down last night. Also, private e-mail sites are blocked on our computers here at work. Keep me updated! :)

This means he hasn't even read mine yet. Now I won't go through another hair pulling day. Whew!

The E-mail

It took him 4 days, but I finally received an e-mail from Blind Date Boy. Our mutual friend thought it would be easier if we exchange e-mails first. His e-mail was carefully worded and nothing less than charming. I was going to practice the new me, the casual one who can take or leave boys. I rounded up the girls and we all went to lunch yesterday. After we placed our order, I pulled the e-mail out of my purse.

The girls read it and sighed. They loved it. They said he obviously put some time in it and it was a really great letter.

"I know. I need your help so I don't screw this up," I said.

As a group, we balance each other out. I'm the crazy, unafraid one, E is the shy one, and L is the sensible one with the long term boyfriend. I needed sensible and shy, not forward and crazy. Together over lunch we drafted a letter back. It mirrored his, ended with a question to solicit a response, and on the whole was light and breezy, punctuated with a few jokes. Everyone was really pleased.

"When are you going to send it?" asked L.

"I don't know."

"Wait until tonight to send it," said E.

"No," L smiled and leaned over the table. "Send it tomorrow morning."

I saved the draft to my computer and glanced at it periodically throughout the afternoon at work. I wanted to send it, but didn't. I got home, pulled out some knitting, and sat in front of the TV. It was raining. I checked my e-mail, thought of sending the letter, and I didn't.

I made it until 9 am this morning and I am extremely proud of myself.

A Phone Call

I got a call yesterday from my coworker's wife who works across the street from my apartment building. The receptionist who put the call through was acting funny. I thought for sure she was calling to tell me my apartment building was on fire or a CSI unit was staged out front. I picked up the phone:

(Slightly afraid) "Hello?"

"Are you still single?"

(Sighs) "Whew, I thought you were calling about my building!"

"No, there is this guy in my office I want to set you up with."

"Is he cute?"

(Without hesitation) "Yes."

"Is he nice? I only like nice boys!" (Bold faced lie)

"Yes. I really thing y'all will get along great together"

"Well okay then."

I hung up the phone and felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. I wanted more time to figure things out with me. I wanted to wait until at least the books I ordered arrived in the mail. But then again, no one has ever called me up before, wanting to set me up...

One Step Forward

Oh. Dear. God.

I just spent $35 on Amazon buying self-help books. Like porn, they ship it to your door in a discreet brown box marked only with "Amazon" and not with "another girl suckered in to buying these crap books." This is also the same reason I couldn't walk into my Barnes and Noble. If the cashier was hot, I'd never make it out alive.

My favorite selection was "Be Honest: You're Just Not That Into Him Either." I liked that title better, it's less desperate sounding therefore a less chance of me spending $11 to mock it.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I got up Sunday morning and crashed on my couch. I was hung over, but refused to take anything for it. I felt like I deserved the pain. I concentrated on last night's events.

I should probably feel embarrassed, but I don't. Andy and I don't have any mutual friends in common and I really don't feel like trying to be friends with him. From the moment I met him, I've been complaining on here that he's a jerk. What happened? Why did I go against my gut?

I shielded my eyes from the sunlight and forced myself to think about the night with Christopher when I ended up drunk in his bushes. I relived every mortifying detail, including trying to take a dog out with a half-full beer can. What has happened to me?

I made a few decisions feeling death take over me on my couch:

• No more liquor. I don't need to spend half of my precious weekend feeling like I do right now. Besides, it's expensive. Beer in social situations only.
• If I have a gut feeling, I'm going to follow it and to hell with the consequences. In my experience, not following my gut yields worse results.
• I'm turning down the next guy that asks me out. Just because. I need to feel in control of things again.
• I'm going to read some self-help books, starting with "He's Just Not That Into You."
• I'm going to post a profile on one of those on-line dating sites and be more active in the dating world and attend some singles' events. Must rope coworker to do the same so I'm not in this alone.

I just got another year older. It's time to make some changes.

And so it ends

"You used me."
"I know, I'm sorry."

I sat with my legs stretched out in front of me on Andy's kitchen floor, not too far from the door. Andy sat in a chair facing me.

He asked me to go to a concert with him. At the last minute, he also invited another friend who kept hitting on me. When I told Andy, he didn't care. "Why, should I be jealous?" he said. It got so uncomfortable that his friend left and now we had to talk about what I put out there.

"You used to like me."
"I was intrigued."
"Bullshit. Don't lie to me. You used to like me."
"I was intrigued."
"Liar. You changed your mind and you fed off of me. You used me. You kept me around to feed your own ego."
"You're right, I did."
"I'm not a fool."

Andy puts his head in his hands and looked at the floor. I vowed never to like another bald man again.

"I wish I never met you," he muttered.

This was just too much. It was insulting. I got up and ran out of his apartment. The stairway was unlit and I put my hand on the banister and made my way into the night as quickly as I could. I got about halfway down the stairs before he stopped me. It was pitch black and my eyes hadn't adjusted yet. I just saw an outline of his face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. Please come back up. I didn't mean it like that."

Slowly I made my way back up. Andy kept his hand on my back and guided me up the staircase. I think he just wanted to keep me from bolting again. I sat back down on the kitchen floor, purse in hand. I would have given a body limb for another drink at that moment. I vocalized this thought. Running down the stairs wore off the last of my buzz.

"It's just that I don't want to date someone unless it could go somewhere and I don't want to marry you."

It's pretty bad when someone tells you he doesn't want to marry you when you're not even dating.

He continued: "I led you on and I'm sorry."

Truth is, I knew all along things would turn out this way. I knew it would never go anywhere, that he wasn't right for me, but I forced myself into liking him to distract myself from getting attached to Christopher, and I still ended up hurt.

My friends hated Andy. They saw first hand how he treated me and couldn't stand him. We'd be at a bar and he would get up and go watch whatever sports game that was on at the moment and leave me alone at the table. My friends and I ran into him the night before and were appalled at the way he spoke to me when I didn't pick up the concert tickets yet.

Andy was the worst kind of guy. He was a bad boy who played the nice guy act. He was selfish and rude and insulting, but played up how he wanted to settle down and was tired of getting hurt. He truly thought he was he was a good guy; he was not. Good guys wouldn't lead girls on for kicks.

Andy said he still wanted to be friends. I nodded, but knew that would never happen. Andy was never my friend. My friends don't treat each other that way. My friends would never use me.

"You'll find someone else."
I smiled. I still had a card left in my hand. It was time to lay it down.
"I've been seeing someone since January."

Andy's eyes widened. I don't look like the girl who can keep this information quiet. He was so sure he knew me and I dropped this bomb.

"What's his name?"
"Christopher."
"It'll never work."

I was so over this conversation, but it was playing out perfectly. Andy was stunned, his ego deflating.

"When was the last time you had sex?"
"Monday."

Andy's mouth dropped fully open. I laughed and then immediately tried to cover it up. He blinked a few times.

"With Christopher?"
I shrugged, "You got to have birthday sex."
"I had no idea."
"I know."

He may have turned me down, but it was I who had the last laugh.