Ghosts of Boyfriends' Past

I've been having this dream lately where I successively date a few of my ex-boyfriends. Ghosts of boyfriends' past, if you will.

In my dreams time has elapsed since I've dated them. It's present day in my alternate universe. We indeed broke up like we did in real life, but for some reason we are getting back together.

***

My first love is fat. He's severely overweight, just as he was in high school before we had started dating. He may be even heavier. The reason he's so fat is because he's eating his feelings. He's not happy and I'm not happy with him. We know we aren't right for each other, which is a shame.

It really is a shame that we didn't make it. He was a pretty thoughtful boyfriend until he joined a fraternity and started drinking so much in college. He and alcohol were a bad mix, as his father was an alcoholic. It was hard watching the descent into alcoholism watching him transform from someone I loved into someone I didn't.

I didn't start drinking until we broke up, and he told me I had finally become the person he wanted: drunk. Obviously there are lingering issues there. But the beginning—the person he used to be—there was no reason why we couldn't have lasted.

But here he is in my dreams fat and unhappy. Whatever the reason is, we just aren't right for each other. He's not quitting on me though, he's just eating, eating, eating. Containers of icing. Raw cake batter. And it's up to me to pull the plug and let the relationship die.

***

Mark, the reason I started this blog and the person whose existence I forget about the most (seriously, my parents mention him and I'm like who?), is back. I usually call him up after all of these years. Seven years, to be exact. And I call him up after seven years, not knowing a thing about him or where he is in life, and I ask to get back together with him. He sighs. He's reluctant. But he agrees.

Apparently he still has his old job and he's holding a training with the sales staff. Then he's on the road for work. Then he's visiting his parents. He never has time for me. I never see him in my dream: he's always on the other end of the phone line, very similar to our relationship. Finally I wised up to realize that he's not seeing me because he doesn't want to see me. He's back with me, but not the way I wanted him to be. I call him up and break up with him on the phone without ever seeing him.

***

Valdosta looks at his phone. "My favorite bartender is serving tonight," he says as he makes a grab for his coat.

"But you just got here," I protest. He literally just got here. I was cutting vegetables for dinner.

Valdosta shrugs. He'd rather be drinking with his friends.

I'm disappointed. I'm beyond disappointed. This is the first time I've seen him in two weeks and it lasted less than 10 minutes.

I look down at the white laminated counter. "You don't like me anymore, do you." It wasn't a question.

"No," he says quietly. This isn't like the first breakup where he tells me he cherishes me. This is cold. If I had left things alone with him, I could have had nice memories, but I had to drag it out.

It's awkward in the kitchen. Valdosta leaves and I feel empty and ashamed.

***

I begin to slowly wake. I'm cognizant enough to know I'm laying on someone's shoulder—my boyfriend's shoulder—but I'm not cognizant enough to know who that is.

I open my eyes like Christmas morning. It's Abe. I sigh with relief. I like this boyfriend. This is a good boyfriend.

Although, I'm tangled up in him in a curious way. My head is on his shoulder, and my hands are digging into his sides as if I'm trying to grab his ribs. My face is smooshed into his neck. He's snoring, which is really, really loud with my face pressed into him.

I shake him awake. I'm not gentle about it. I wanted the snoring to stop and I wanted to interact with him to prove he was real.

Abraham wakes up. I watch him cautiously. He looks at me and he smiles. He didn't question why I abruptly shook him; he just smiled.

I don't think I was ever so happy to see someone in my life.