Men are still people too

One of the reasons I rode out Christopher's unemployment with him is because we've done this before. I knew him back in 2006 when he had a great job and was working full-time. I remember laying in his bed and watching him get ready for work in the bathroom. He'd put gel in his hair and make the Zoolander Blue-Steel face while he distributed the product. Every morning this made me erupt in giggles and every morning he would respond by slamming the bathroom door shut. I knew he wasn't another couch-surfing boyfriend.

Work hasn't even begun yet and he's been mentally and emotionally and physically available. Actually he's been that way since he started calling again and I went on my trip to the mountains without him. We've gone from watching the Sex and the City movie last year when he told me to never tell him I loved him, to watching The Blind Side last weekend when he told me to never decorate our house like that when we buy one. His kisses have gone from puckered whisks to sloppy open mouthed greetings.

I've changed too. For the past few months I've been wanting to share feelings with Christopher more than I have. I've been wanting to talk about my therapy and share some of the S incidents (not anymore, but while they were still relevant) so I wouldn't feel like I'm going through everything alone. But I've been withholding and slowly resenting him for not feeling like I could come to him about those things. I think it stems back to when I originally told Christopher about the true nature of my relationship with my ex. I was just so disappointed in his initial response that I decided that Christopher could not handle the truth about my weaknesses. He doesn't view weakness as an opportunity for growth or change. Furthermore, he won't show his. The only time he will admit something embarrassing about himself is if I lead the way with my own inadequacies.

So I stopped. And so did he. I started to become resentful.

My therapist offered Christopher free service with one of her practitioners when he was really depressed. He refused, presumably because of the stigma of asking for help. I thought it was irrational because he knew I went to see one. I realized though he still felt the stigma because I never talked about it. I may have even perpetuated it.

I remembered a blog post I had written near the beginning of our relationship emphasizing the importance of truth, no matter how dirty or ugly it was. I gloated about its effect on our relationship. How my honesty made him honest. I haven't been living like that anymore.

So I picked up the phone one day and dialed Christopher. "I just got home from therapy," I announced.

"Oh yeah?" he asked, interested.

"Yeah. I'm kind of bummed out because we talked about my father." We talked about him too and his recent depression, but I decided not to lead with that. And Christopher listened while I talked about things that were unimportant to him. A few days later, he also listened when I brought up what she had said about his depression, including medical reasons for his physical exhaustion and recommended herbal supplements. He wasn't mad or pissed off that I had talked about him or his depression, and pretty soon he was asking me questions about it on his own.

The night I found out about my ex's arrest for domestic violence, I just told Christopher as if it was something we talked about more than the one time. He began going down the road of How could you subject yourself to that and I simply responded with I didn't tell him the latest news so he could come down on me about it; I just thought he would want to know.

He paused briefly. "Okay," he said. He said it positively, like he completely understood.

Christopher asked when was the last time S had tried to contact me. Honestly, I answered two weeks ago.

"But we were still together then," he whined.

I explained that he calls and leaves voicemails or texts or threats and I never return them. That it's not a big deal. But Christopher sounded like his boyfriend status was being threatened, like S might still have an impact with me. I can't imagine why he would think that way. Christopher was my dream guy that I wished and dreamed and prayed over. He has no reason to feel threatened.

It's been proven not once, but twice that honesty does amazing things for our relationship.