Wavering

"Are you okay?"

Clearly I was not. My body was shaking and my mind couldn't stop racing. Every time I've slept with someone in the past year, it's always been on a casual level. I didn't want that anymore. Not with Adam. I wanted a boyfriend. A chance at love.

"I'm fine." I think my voice even shook as I said it.

Adam leaned down on top of me, putting all his weight on me. That's the thing I miss the most when I'm lonely-- the weight of someone on top of me. He ran his fingers through my hair and gave me very slow, very soft kisses; he was trying to calm me down.

I've been thinking about sex a lot lately. I wanted to wait with Adam. I needed to take things slowly, for my own sanity if nothing else. I didn't know how to tell him this and I didn't know how he would take it. Somehow I knew that it wouldn't be a problem, he didn't even stick his tongue in my mouth until our fourth date and when I insisted that all clothes stay on a couple of nights ago, he gave the best possible response:

"You have to look it at like a Prisoner of War camp: they're obligated to try to escape. I'm obligated to try to do more with you, but I'll respect whatever you decide."

Originally I wanted to tell him I needed a relationship of some sorts before giving that part of myself to him. It would hurt my feelings to know he could sleep with me and then shop around on-line the next morning.

Then I rationalized it with even if I did get some sort of commitment out of him, it still wouldn't keep him around. He could end things at any moment, regardless if I was the only one or not. By sleeping with him, I would be taking a risk no matter the situation.

I had questions I wanted to ask, but I can't. It's too early. I would look wounded or damaged. By admitting I'm insecure to him, I probably would have to provide some examples. I'm not good with sharing my secrets or opening up.

I lifted up and rolled Adam on his back. I picked up his hands and pinned them above his head. I needed control. I needed to take the focus off of me. Perhaps if I turn the attention on him, I can buy myself a little more time to think about things.

No, I would not be sharing any secrets tonight.

Meanwhile...

Things are going well on the Adam front. He's begun calling just to say hi. We've begun talking about meeting the friends.

I don't know whether to write a letter congratulating subliminal messaging or arguing that boys really can take hints:




At Surin's he hands me my watch back.

"You know," he says, "I saw it on my nightstand and thought, 'How did that get here?' not 'Whose is it?'"

We've never talked about dating other people. I think it's too early for that sort of thing-- I've only been seeing him for two weeks. But even though there is no official arrangement, I don't want him to date elsewhere.

"So are you normally used to making lists to track down lost items?" I pried.

He laughed and imitated calling me. "Hello? Sarah? Are you missing anything? No, I can't tell you what it is..." he joked.

I made a sour face. He dropped my hand from the table and ran his hand down my head, from my temple down my neck.

Now what the hell does that all mean?

WTF

My favorite married friend struck again.

She called up to say she found the perfect guy for me. No prison time (that she knows of) and he's hot. She gave him my public blog address and he's very interested. She keeps saying over and over how hot he is, hotter than the others she tried to set me up with.

"I'll think about it; send me a picture," I told her.

I watched in horror as this slowly uploaded on my screen:


Did he just send me a picture of his tattoo? And it says, "Redneck?" He has that permanently inked on his body? He's the hottest looking one?

Okay, I have to find a nice way to tell her to stop trying. Seriously. Now.

Like soldiers...

Now is the time that everything is new.

Me: "You have soft hair."
Him: "You have a nice ass."

And exciting.

"You hate ketchup? Me too!"

And erotic.

"I love your whimper."

"I have a whimper? You have a grunt. It's deep and it's gutteral and it's hot."

"Mmm."

"Like that!"

Now is the time I go in to work sleepy-eyed and there is already a note waiting for me in my inbox about how much fun last night was. Do I respond? Maybe in a few hours. I like this one.

Now is the time when reminiscing about singing themes songs to cartoons while lying in his bed makes me giggle.

Now is the time when my friends are getting a little pissed at me because they're telling me their problems and I can't wipe my stupid slap-happy grin off my face.

Now is my favorite part of any relationship. You're still on good manners. You're still trying to impress each other: wardrobes and stories are both carefully chosen. Discoveries about the other person are exciting. You give and take compliments nonstop. You still have your secrets.

Now is the time when he mentions the coming months and I'm included makes me happy, but nervous. Talk like that confuses me because I want to believe him. He's never given me a reason not to, but I've trusted boys with my heart before and have been deadly wrong.

Now is the time I wish I could shut my brain off. Now is the time I need to forget my past and my hurts. Now is the time I should just simply ENJOY. Either it will happen or it won't. It's terrifying, but true. All I can do is trust MYSELF and be true to myself.

Now is the time I wish could never fade.

Confessions

"Oh, and congratulations on your parking pass win!" I laid my head down on the table in shame with my blonde hair covering my face. Adam just laughed harder. It was the end of my second beer and I tend to get a little confessional when I drink.

"Please stop apologizing!" he said. "It's no big deal."

"I feel dirty!" I spoke from underneath my hair, still refusing to look at the man I had Googled.

Adam leaned forward, "You know I get certain security clearances with my job. I could do a full background check on you in minutes. I clearly have the upperhand in this situation, so please don't worry about it."

I lift my head off the table, "Oh."

"Yeah."

"Um, define background check."

"Why?" Adam smiles slyly.

"Do you get to see things like mug shots?"

"No."

"Okay well there's a story I might have to tell you."

I feel dirty

I am now confident enough to say that Adam really does like me and not in a I'm-going-to-destroy-your-soul kind of way. He sent me a short note at 4 PM yesterday afternoon, but when I tried to reply, my boss started acting like a total queen so I was on good behavior for the rest of the work day.

I turned my computer on when I got home from work to respond, but I got distracted with walking The Femme Fatale, then I wanted a bath, and then dinner. By 7:30 I finally turned my monitor on. There was another note from him in my inbox.

I think something can be said about not being readily available.

N flitted into my cubicle this morning. "So? Give me an update!" she whispered. I told her about the 2 e-mails.

"What's his last name?"

I told her.

"Come here."

I ran after her into her cubicle, losing a shoe in the process. I watched with one bare foot as she opened a personal web page she made with links to the public court records of the surrounding counties. We spent the next hour searching for poor Adam in the civil and criminal public records. He came up clean, but she couldn't access the county that all three of us live in.

We then Googled him.

He is no stranger to the internet. Google produced pages and pages of information on him from the past 16 years. We know his hobbies that he was into during college. We found pictures and message boards that he posts on. We know that he likes nice cars and we know that he owns a mandolin.

I feel dirty.

I learned a lot about him this morning. I am dealing with a nerd. Good lord, all those message boards! I don't mind because he's socially adept and I have my own nerd-like tendencies (see: blog). But now I know all this information that he never told me. This information would have been important if it was a newspaper article about him getting arrested for kiddie porn per se, but it wasn't. And now I know all sorts of stuff that he hasn't told me.

I then went back to my desk and Googled myself to see how I would look from his perspective. The only thing that came up was the newspaper I wrote for in college. And he already knows about that.

Is it wrong to Google someone? Have you ever given in to the urge?

Gestures

Adam called at 7:28 PM. "Already?!" I gasped.

He laughed. He called me when he left his condo and I told him to call me when he gets to my building and I would meet him out front. He called at 7:24 PM. Apparently the mile and a half between our buildings is not very far.

I ran in the bathroom and gulped some mouth wash and ran out the door while still swishing the liquid in my mouth. I stepped outside, made sure he wasn't within view, and spit into the bushes before running out the gate.

Adam saw me and started to get out of the car, but then stopped after I blew by him and hopped in. "Hey there," he smiled. He leaned towards me, but stopped himself. As we pulled out into traffic, he reached over and tickled my back. I was glad to see he was nervous.

At the concert, I wanted to make a move-- a small gesture to let him know I liked him. I'd been thinking back to the other two dates and how I was rather uptight around him. Except for the single kiss at the end of the last date, I hadn't even reciprocated any of the small gestures he made. I just didn't believe he liked me.

So as we walked into the Roxy I looped my arm around his. Adam sighed with relief and immediately covered my hand with his. I guess I've been too hard on him.

For the record, I hate that couple at the rock concert. Everyone is headbanging and giving the bird to the stage, and there is that one couple in the back holding each other and swaying like they're dancing to All For One at the prom. I HATE them.

I'm embarrassed to say that was totally me last night.

Candlebox is singing, boys around us are head banging, and Adam is standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me and his head leaning into mine. Periodically he'd lean in and kiss my forehead, cheeck, ear, or neck. It was attention I haven't received in quite a while.

I thought about Nick. He behaved like that in December and I thought he wanted to be with me, only to find out that he just wanted to be friends and "enjoy the time we spend together." I didn't understand how someone could act that way towards a person he just wanted to be friends with. I remember feeling humiliated and used. I've just been treated so badly by so many people, it just works better that I anticipate the worst so I won't feel duped when I get dumped.

So Adam is just being the greatest and my mind is racing with, What if he just wants to be friends. What if he's just enjoying the time we spend together to the fullest and not worrying about the emotional ramifications? Touching and kissing confuses me. That's such a weird statement, because it shouldn't be confusing. It should be a clear demonstration of feelings. But that's not the case anymore. And I'm too high strung and nervous to simply enjoy it. I can't kiss without feeling and frankly I wouldn't want it any other way.

Adam was perfect. Any time I said something cute or witty, he'd kiss me. It felt like being rewarded for being so clever. He didn't grab my butt or graze my breast or check out other girls in front of me from what I could tell. He opened my car door. He took me to get something to eat after the show and when I became tired, he took me home.

We were parked in front of my gate.

"Call me?" I asked quietly.

"Absolutely."