So here's what happened:
Nothing ever transpired between us. We just laid in bed the next afternoon talking for hours. He never even kissed me. When I left Bryan's house, he walked me out and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I said if he ever wanted to do this again to call me and he said that they do this type of thing all the time, so I should just call the house. I was referring to our alone time and he was referring to the group hanging out.
I'm not going to fight for this one. I understood him when he was telling me he didn't want to mess up his chances with the other girl. I'm the second choice, I'm not going to fight a losing battle. I'm not going to call up there for awhile. I was invited to hang out with the girls at work this Friday and the weekend after that maybe I'll go to the beach. I need to get away and clear my head. The whole ordeal just irritated me. I felt stupid for calling up there in the first place.
But the thing that irritates me the most is what I call the "hold my hand while you shit in my shoe" phenomenon.
Bryan had said some really wonderful and touching things to me. As I've mentioned before, I can never tell the difference between bullshit and sincerity, as long as it sounds good coming out. I don't know if all those nice things Bryan said are true. I've never felt noticed by him until New Year's Eve. Of course he did have that girlfriend for the last 4 1/2 years until I saw him at Connor's show in November. Could he really be attracted to me?
Should I even care whether he means what he says or not? It doesn't change anything except my self-esteem. I'm still his second choice. He doesn't want a relationship with me. Does it matter if he really thinks I'm incredible or not?
This sort of happened with Nick too. Here is what I think: they just want you for a hook-up, but they want to be nice guys about it so they end up kind of leading you on. They'll pump you full of rubbish (figuratively at this point, hoping to one night move into a more literal sense), listing generic qualities on one hand. Here's a secret: all girls want to hear that they are smart and pretty. Guys like Bryan and Nick want you to remember them as nice guys, maybe cause they think of themselves that way, or that is the perception they want to convey, but also it increases their chances for a repeat hook-up.
"Ooh Bryan thinks I'm smart and pretty and he played with my hair. Yeah I'll hang out with him again. He's nice."
Wrong. Bryan, like other charismatic imposter nice guys, wants some action. Moreover, he wants some action without any consequences, or to explain my phenomenon, "shit in my shoe." Bryan knows what to say and how to say it to make it believable. This prepping is what I call "holding my hand." Hence he holds my hand to shit in my shoe. Makes sense now?
Don't do that. Don't tell me nice things so you can get laid. It confuses me. If you just want to shit in my shoe, let me know and then I can make an informed decision. Tell me I'm not pretty enough or smart enough- I can work with that. Tell me you think it would be incestuous because we all are from the same circle of friends and it could get messy. Say, "For tonight only." That, I understand. I'm no prude, I might consent to that. At least I know what I'm getting myself into.
But Bryan holds my hand. He kisses my palm with "New Year's Eve wasn't a drunken hook-up for me. I've been wanting to do that." I don't know if he meant it or not. He wasn't drinking when he told me that, does that make a difference? I don't know! I can't tell! But I am going to want to believe those things. Those things make me feel good. Worst of all, those things make me think you like me.
I don't need to be any more confused, I already am most of the time anyways.
~Wednesday, January 11, 2006
So here's what happened: