A Random Act of Kindness

I had a good wallow for a couple of hours this evening. Appropriately, Last Holiday arrived in the mail and I watched Queen Latifa do everything right with what seemed like no return in life.

Afterwards, I drove to Blockbuster to return the movie and pick up another one. It was late for weekday hours, a little after 10 PM. Ahead of me in line was a nice looking black family: parents and a little girl no older than four. She had her hair in two little puffs on either side of her head. I was always jealous of little black girls' hair. I think it's the cutest thing ever with the braids and the barrettes or the puffs and ribbons. She was fussy and beginning to cry. Normally I get really irritated when children cry in public, but this was a cute cry. It was tired with not much threat behind it.

In her hand was one of my favorite movies, An American Tail. The mother gave the case to the Blockbuster clerk who noticed that there was no disc inside. The little girl figured it out and began to cry harder. The mother called to the father, "Go get Fievel Goes West! Quickly!" and he disappeared behind the shelves.

The man in front of me was called to the checkout and I moved to the front of the line. The little girl began to fuss harder until the mother took her back to the children's section. A minute later the little girl returns with tear-stained cheeks, but the unmistakable cover of Fievel Goes West is in her grip.

I bend down and look at her, "Did you find your movie?"

She begins to wail. The mother looked at me and whispered, "She knows it's not the original Fievel."

"What? Are you serious?"

The mother nodded. I looked to the crying girl, "But it's Fievel! Everyone loves Fievel Mousekewitz!"

The mother said a little less patiently, "Fievel is Fievel."

The girl, with puffs on either side of her head, cried harder.

I loved An American Tail growing up. When the movie came out I had a little red radio Walkman and I would drain the battery by leaving it on at night so I could hear "Somewhere Out There" one more time. As I began to quietly sing along to Linda Ronstadt, my brother would inevitably charge into my room and rip my red Walkman away. I still haven't completely forgiven him yet.

In the video store I knelt down and looked at the girl and began very quietly, "And even though I know how very far apart we are/ It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star." She had to stop crying to hear what I was singing. I hit the next verse a little louder, "And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby/ It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky."

It was somewhere around here that the rest of the people stopped to pay attention to me singing in a video store at 10 o'clock on a Wednesday night.

"Somewhere out there if love can see us through/ Then we'll be together somewhere out there/ Out where dreams come true."

Unfortunately, this did not have the desired effect. Somehow I think I envisioned her singing along and smiling and laughing, but it just made her miss her movie even more and cry harder. I'd like to think she wasn't wailing over the quality of my song. The mother, however, laughed and thanked me.

"Well it was my fault for making her cry the second time by bringing it up."

"She would have cried anyway."

And no, I didn't make that little girl smile, but I made myself smile. In hindsight, I think I sang the song more for myself than I did for the little girl.

And that little girl had a point, Fievel Goes West doesn't hold a candle to An American Tail.

I need a little patience. And a lot of other stuff.

I think my heart is too big for me. I wish I could take a little of my heart and good nature and convert into, oh I don't know, breast size. My cup does not runneth over.

Because of my too big heart, I often help people that I probably shouldn't. When I was in college, I held a supervisory position at a telemarketing company and was in charge of hiring, training, and monitoring about 50 people. The girl Conor left me for needed a summer job so I gave her one. I didn't know at the time that she hated me because I was Conor's ex. I, in the meantime, was trying to stay on her finicky good side because Conor was still a friend of mine even after the breakup.

The biggest sin one could commit while working for a telemarketing company is to swear while on the phone. It's violates FCC regulations, which could result in a fine for the company, and is grounds for immediate termination. Conor's girlfriend didn't care and kept dropping the F-bomb on the phone. She said that she couldn't help herself, but here's the thing: she never swore outside of work.

After returning from a day off of work, several employees tell me that the girl just sat there and talked trash about me all day long. Me. The one who gave her a job. The one who excused her swearing not once, but twice. My supervisor had to step in on my behalf.

My supervisor later pulled me aside, "I thought you recommended her for the job because you know her personally."

"I do."

My supervisor, not happy, gave me a warning about who I recommend for jobs. That I'm attaching my name on her reputation. She did at least let me fire the horrible bitch.

Last week, I handed my current boss an application and a cover letter. "This is a friend of mine from college. He's a brilliant guy." And he is. I admired him for his writing for years before I met him as my then-boyfriend's roommate. He and I have since become really close friends. He's still living back at school and still working for said telemarketing company.

He had been asking me recently about technical writing positions, telling me that he had begun putting in applications for a Real Job.

"We actually have openings in my department," I said.

"Really? Well if this application I just put in doesn't pan out, do you mind giving a good word for me?"

"No problem."

So I handed in his application and answered what questions my boss had about him. I called him yesterday and gave him the scoop. "She has your resume. I explained to her about the job situation up at school, so she understands why you have a lot of jobs in a short period of time. Listen, she's in her best mood in the morning, so call up tomorrow morning and be really energetic and positive. Say, 'I'm so excited to talk to you regarding the position. When can I come in?'"

"Okay, I'll do it tomorrow on my break at 10 AM."

"Good deal."

I watched the phones all morning; he never called. He has already put in his two weeks notice at his other job and hasn't even bothered to call to follow up yet. It took me fours months of unemployment to find this job, and here I am handing him a $10,000 salary increase and he can't be bothered to call.

I complained to my father that I've had to work so hard for everything, but it seems like other people just get handed opportunities.

"Honey Bun, you are the most generous person I know. Tell me how you spent your Saturday again."

"Ugh, Dad, I already told you. I spent it at the animal shelter. Then I stopped by a homeless men's shelter to donate some sweaters."

"All you do is give to other people. One day this will come back to you and reward you. You are creating good karma for yourself."

Really? When? Because I'm out of patience. I'm tired of giving to people who perhaps don't deserve it (I'm not referring to the dogs or the homeless). I worked hard to get this job. My rent is going up $100 a month. I haven't been on a date this year. My friends are being fucktards. I have a pimple on my chin. The OC is being canceled after a comeback season. I haven't gotten laid in almost 3 months.

Where the fuck are my puppy dogs and rainbows?

Blog Therapy

Some of you have seen this before, but a lot of people have come over today looking for this post so I made it easily accessible.

List ten things you want to say to ten people you know, but never will for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. (Duh.) Use each person only once and only use one sentence.

1. I know how much it would mean to you if I could say, "I love you," but I just can't.
   
2. You tried so hard to get rid of me, but I'm still here and you're not.
3. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me, but I can't handle being vulnerable in front of you.
   
4. I can't believe you married him; you were her best friend.
5. You didn't try hard enough.
   
6. You should get that lazered off your face.
   
7. I need a break from you-- I think it's the only way for me to come around.
8. I secretly thought you were an idiot the whole time I was with you.
9. I don't think I ever gave you enough credit.
   
10. I know you want a relationship with me, but you never said you were sorry.

Let me know if you did this meme and I will give you a link.

Edit: Venting did it here.

Predictive Neglect

I knew it would happen. I told N and she dismissed my complaint when I brought it up last week. Last Friday, E's longtime crush was dumped by his girlfriend. He called E to renew the friendship and she took him back without so much as an apology for not talking to her during his entire relationship.

"I understand," she told me. "It's not appropriate for guys and girls to be friends when one is seeing somebody."

"Uh, yes it is. And whomever I date better get comfortable with the fact I have a lot of guy friends. Otherwise, he's on the curb, not my friends. I've known them a lot longer and they have never left me."

"Well we hung out only one-on-one, never in a group. You can't do that when both aren't single."

"Yes you can."

And we agreed to disagree.

So when the boy came back, not only did she not admonish him for being a crap friend for the last six months, but also she declared, "I want Saturday nights!"

When he called her on Tuesday, she jumped up and down before answering the phone. I don't jump up and down when my friends call. She's still in love with him. She's still in love with him after two years during which she declared her love for him, got rejected, then watched him get into a relationship with someone else, and then not speak to her for six months.

E was always a flighty friend when she was in love with him. She would hang out with us around his schedule, always checking her phone to see if he had called, and then would cut the night short to go hang out with him when he did. When he didn't call, which was more often than not, every conversation revolved around him.

I saw it happening again when she jumped up and down (in an elevator no less, scaring the mud out of me) when he called. Within two days, every conversation was about him again. I saw it and N thought I was being paranoid.

Saturday evening E calls. She was supposed to hang out with him (remember, she immediately declared Saturday nights) and-- shocker, shocker-- he didn't call. What made her think things would be different in time?

She wanted advice. I gave it to her and then changed it to what she wanted to hear. She called him and then called me back; his phone was off.

"Now I don't have any plans tonight. What are you doing?"

Here we go again, revolving around his schedule. "I was going to watch my movies that came in the mail this week."

"Do you mind some company?"

"No."

So she came over and we drank my bottle of wine and ate the dinner I cooked. By nine o'clock she was putting her shoes on to leave; I knew it was to call him again.

Sure enough, that's exactly what she did. I'm back to being the interim entertainment when he's not available. She didn't financially chip in, or offer to return the gesture, or even thank me for providing the evening.

But I'm a friend. And a friend is supposed to be there during the hard times. A friend wouldn't think twice about it. But here I am, irritated I see the old patterns again.

When I asked N what do we do when she drops us and he neglects her again, she said, "We will pick her back up; it's our job."

And I will.

It looks like I've already started.

But it's not fair.

Snow Day!

Dear [Metropolis],

Thank you so much for installing that fiber optic cable underground over the summer, consequently clogging up the streets with your lane closures.

And, hey, thanks for poking a hole in the sewage system and not noticing it, so there has been sewage leaking underground for six or so months.

Who knew that all that sewage was going to burst the water main? I sure didn't.

The district that I work in has no water today due to this little faux pas. Apparently buildings can't function without working restrooms, so they closed my high-rise.

Snow day! Erm, without the snow, but it is really cold today. I'm sitting at home in my jammies with a cup of hot chocolate and my bubble bath is calling me as soon as I catch up on my blogs.

I might even turn the heat on.

So thanks, [Metropolis], for the day off. I'll let you get back to work seeing as it sounds like you have a lot of shit to deal with.

Love,
Sarah

Confessions of Selling Out

"I spend a lot on all the clothes that I got
Cuz all the geeks that I meet, they all look cooler than me...
Tell me I sold out, Tell me I sold out go ahead"
-- The Marvelous 3, "Freak of the Week"

I came home Friday afternoon and found a note taped to my door. It's time to renew my lease on my loft. I knew the rent was going to increase exponentially, which was why I was so grateful when I got my raise at work because all it meant was that I wouldn't have to move.

I grabbed the paper and opened it. I was expecting an increase somewhere between $80 and $100 a month. So wouldn't you believe I almost fell over when I saw that they increased my rent by $115 a month. My threshold was $100 and that extra $15 just hurt.

So I went down to the leasing office armed with floorplans and pricing from the competitive lofts down the street and threatened to move there unless they lowered my rent. They agreed to knock my rent increase from $115 to $100 a month, and then took another $100 off one month's rent for renewing early.

Still feeling broke, I took a second job to help afford me my yuppie lifestyle. This blog sold out and went corporate. That's right, I sold my soul and became a corporate wordwhore.

Nothing will change except for a completely random post about once a week that has nothing to do with me. And understand that I would not have taken this route had the evil complex not raised my rent by $100 freaking dollars a month.

I love my yuppie poseur way of life.

Subtext

I have sort of a big deal going on tomorrow night. I've nominated myself the cruise director and I've spent the better part of a week e-mailing and calling everyone to invite them to said Big Deal. While driving home yesterday, I called those who had not yet responded to e-mails. And I saw his name on my list:

David.

David is a frustrating situation. Thing is, I don't really like David-- not romantically. I don't want to get married and have babies with David. I don't even want to see him every Friday night.

But it's been a few months since I've gotten laid and, dammit, David is my top candidate. I like him enough to sleep with him, and don't like him enough that the situation wouldn't hurt me, no matter the outcome. He's disposable.

I slid my phone shut and kept driving. I don't call boys; it's just not something I do. I'm not comfortable with it because too many times I have dialed and the boy on the other end was in a bad mood and consequently I spend the rest of the evening/weekend/week thinking I did something wrong. It's just not worth the hassle.

Then I thought of the other people I had called: Conor, Mike, Geoff, Bryan... all boys. And I didn't have problems calling them because they're my friends and nothing more. David is a friend and by not calling him I would be treating him differently, and that's not any better.

When I got home I looked at the white board on my fridge for the list of boys' names that I refuse to have in my phone and dialed David. And got no response.

Within the hour I heard back from him. Via e-mail. And because I'm so excellent with subtext, I'm including it in his response:

hey,

sorry i've been unreachable...lot of stuff goin on. (I'm still in love with my ex.) work's been killin me. (We're fighting, which means we're on some sort of speaking terms.) been gettin up at 4:10 am, and getting back well after 6 pm. (I'm not sleeping well because I've been up at night, searching for clues in our fights that she still loves me.) physically exhausted, and i've had to work out too. (I've been leaving emo song lyrics as my away messages on AIM.) so, i might need to just relax and sleep this weekend. (I'm staying home in case she reads my lame-o away message and wants to call me.) hopefully won't have to work this weekend too. (I really want to be home so I'm there when she realizes dumping me was a huge mistake.) but, we'll see. (She's not going to call.) i'll let ya know. (I love her so much.) holla. (E-mail me again and I won't respond.)

d

Too bad David couldn't read my subtext, otherwise he'd be getting some this weekend.