A Review

I've been daydreaming about Sunday off and on all week. I keep trying to remember small details about the day in an effort to not forget. I'll replay certain moments in my head, proving to myself that he does like me.

...Like when we were driving home and he scoots over to the middle to put his arm around me. Then he ran his hand up the nape of my neck and played with my hair... Or the look on his face when he confessed things to me. He looked truly bashful and embarrassed, begging me not to tell anyone. Honesty like that is pure sexiness... When he kissed me in his kitchen and thanked me for the day. He never does that... When he found me in the middle of the night and wrapped himself around me. I freaking love that...

So I think I like him. I think I might truly like him.

I am definitely not ready for that possibility. I am not ready to like someone and get treated like crap again. I will not be a glutton for pain. Things were so much easier when I could think, 'Oh Bryan doesn't want me? No biggie, I've got 3 other possibilities.' Instead, Christopher is winning out. He's become my first choice. I've barely spoken to Becker this week. I know I would like him if Christopher isn't in the picture.

Christopher has made me feel more confident about myself. He has made me think that maybe I could get what I want out of a mate, and not settle. I liked it better when I could confidently and arrogantly claim that I don't believe in love. I don't want to be love's bitch and just get run over again. Some people's hearts grow back bigger. I'm Grinch's antithesis, I honestly believe that my heart is three times smaller since the first time I said, "I love you."

I'm talking to Christopher about us sleeping together:

Sarah: I know we're not exclusive, I only ask that if you're sleeping with someone else, tell me. I deserve the right to know.
Christopher: I'm not! There is no one else, you're the only one!
Sarah: Agreed. So when I start sleeping with someone else, I'll let you know.

His mouth kind of hung open and I realized what I just said.

When.

Who talks like that? It was a total player thing to say and I didn't even say it on purpose. Usually when I play games, I do so consciously. I said "when," making myself look like a giant whore.

Or someone who isn't going to be hurt again.

Since that conversation, I've lost the desire to look elsewhere. This is bad. I'm telling you now this will only end badly for me. He's 8 years older than me and infinitely better looking, perhaps even smarter. (He says he's Mensa, but I think I match him pretty well intelligence-wise.)

Proof: I haven't spoken to him since Monday morning. It's Friday. Granted, he never calls ahead to plan things, so I don't know why I'm freaking out. We're completely spur of the moment together.

I'm anxious.