Freeze

As I hinted from the last post, I don't know if I'm going to see Adam anymore.

I realize that it will be an insanely stupid move on my part if I do this, but...

Hello, Miss Have Your Cake and Eat It Too.
Hey, conscience, what's up.
You're an idiot. Just so you know.
But...
No buts on this one.
He doesn't have time for me.
You're a selfish c___.
Don't talk to me like that!!
I'm pissed off at you!
Seriously, I got another e-mail this morning that basically said, "Don't plan on seeing me this weekend either."
He didn't say it like that.
But that's what it meant.
He has completely over-extended himself and he can barely make it through the day. He's doing this with minimal complaining.
He still whines; it's kinda annoying.
You are not understanding of his needs AT ALL.
Maybe I would feel differently if he said things like, "I'll make it up to you next week."
Seriously, how girlie are you being right now.
I need to feel secure and I'm not getting that out of him.
But he's amazing otherwise. Top notch.
But I hate spending time wondering about him. Wondering if he's feeding me lines. Wondering why he doesn't try to fit me in that schedule.
I can't believe you are giving him crap about his schedule. If you haven't gotten a whole night's sleep in weeks, do you really want to square off time to spend with someone, or do you want to veg and sleep?
Sleep.
Then you can't expect anything different from him. He says it will be different when he's done with the early morning gym class.
What if that's a line? Do I really want to hang around two more weeks to find out if I've been duped?
Uh, what else are you going to do, Princess? Date all those other boys?
Er...
Just Monday he talked about fancy restaurants and taking you for ice cream.
But his actions aren't there.
He can't do that right now with the gym thing.
He couldn't go out with me on Friday.
BECAUSE HE HAS HIS DAUGHTER. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!
It just seems like he has time for everything else but me.
I'm sure a lot of other things are slacking. Besides, he's known his friends a lot longer than you. It's only been a month, quiet down.
If only I had some assurance...
Assurance of what? That he's not going to leave? It's a free world, Baby. That's just a risk.
I just want to feel special.
There has been no communication between you two. You don't open up at all. You'll laugh and giggle over things you did that day, but the things that matter-- the things that make you you-- he knows nothing about them.
I can't get a chance when he's always this busy.
Gym will be over in two weeks.
Fine. He can have the two weeks. But if nothing changes then, I'm out.
That's fair. But you're still a bitch for not answering his e-mail this morning. You slept with him and now you're ignoring him.
I just wanted to sort out my thoughts.
You just don't want to get rejected, so you're trying to reject him first.
You know what? That's EXACTLY what this is. So what? What are you going to do about it?!?!
...
Yeah, that's what I thought.

To be filed under: Mistake

Well now you've really done it.
I needed control.
Who are you kidding, you're more out of control than anything!
No, I feel like I have the upper hand again.
You have some trust issues. Seriously.
He cancelled. After I admitted I did not have a good feeling about this, he cancelled.
He was tired. He let you know as soon as he knew he wouldn't feel up to it. Then he called you. He's done nothing wrong.
The whole situation was shisty. He told me to call him when I got back into the city and when I did, his phone was off.
It was because he was sleeping. He was tired. He e-mailed you at 4 AM. You know he was up late.
I just didn't like being asked to call him to see if he's up for going out or not.
Well you took care of that, didn't you?
I didn't think he was going to call again.
Who reacts that way though?
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You took advantage of him. You knew you could use him so you did.
I didn't hear him complaining.
You haven't seen him in seven years and you call him, invite him over, and sleep with him. Normal people do not do this.
I didn't think Adam was going to call again.
But he did.
Well... I didn't see that coming.
He called while you were naked with someone else.
He cancelled on me.
You are such an asshole. You cried silently on his shoulder while he watched football and you prayed he would think it was just sweat that was rolling down him. It was 5 tears, but you never cry. Talk about post orgasm regret. And then your phone in the bathroom rings and you recognize Adam's ringtone. Adam left you a long rambling message about how he was sorry for being absent this weekend and then he asked you out for tonight. TONIGHT.
Oh god, what have I done?
You were mad at men, so you used one to get back at Adam. You used a human being.
Again, he wasn't complaining.
And what are you going to do now?
Ignore the one I slept with and never tell Adam. We're not exclusive.
This makes you look pretty slutty.
I feel pretty slutty, okay? Don't give me such a hard time about it! I have to go home and take out the trash to hide any evidence!
And how do you feel you have control again?
Because I can get it elsewhere too, I'm not sitting around waiting for him to call.
But what if he really was tired? Why can't you just believe that?
Because I refuse to be played the fool. Not this time. Not again.
You could lose him over this.
I never had him.

Dialogue

I'm fighting right now with my inner voice-- my forever optimistic conscience. If I could slap her, I would. Stupid bitch.

What the hell is your problem?
I don't have a good feeling about this.
They should really lock you up you know. Look at you, you're talking to yourself. He likes you, I swear.
But what about Wednesday morning? I think I kissed him too much.
He didn't brush his teeth and you did; he was worried about morning breath.
I just think that since the naked factor has entered the equation, he's not trying as hard.
You spent the night at his place the next night.
He had to let me come over-- my apartment was flooded. He didn't try anything with me.
Get over yourself. You both were exhausted from the night before where neither of you slept. It was 1 AM when you got there.
We did fall asleep immediately.
And how did you sleep?
In his arms.
So there.
But what about the next morning?
What about it?
You know what I'm going to say.
You have no proof.
I only caught a glimpse of the screen, but I really think he was answering an online dating e-mail.
You only saw the greeting.
Boys don't write that to each other. That's how I greet him in my e-mails.
Maybe it was one of yours.
Why would my e-mail be open on his computer screen while I'm in his condo? That's just poor form to look elsewhere while I'm in his house.
You have no proof. Besides, you're not exclusive. You said yourself that you wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship because in many ways he's still a stranger to you.
I know, but I want to have my cake and eat it too.
When has that ever worked out for you?
Never.
And then he found you on the couch and he kissed you on your neck.
Yeah, that was nice.
And he still e-mails you regularly. They're still flirty.
But they aren't as flirty as they were prenaked factor.
That's debatable. Just this morning he wrote you an e-mail about how cute you are.
See, I knew boys thought of me as cute, nothing more. My gut says something is off though.
He still talks about the future.
I just want to feel special.
Look, worst case scenario: he never calls again. It's only been two weeks, you wouldn't even cry over it.
I know.
You still have your secrets, you haven't slept with him, you could walk away right now with your pride.
I'm debating it.
I only brought that up so you could argue with me!! I was trying to make a point-- you weren't supposed to actually agree!!
This trusting thing, it's just too hard.
But dating is fun again.
And I'm talking to myself again.
Touche.
I'm just going to pull away a bit and let him pursue.
Uh, you've been doing that all along.
Not the last two days. And I'm feeling self-conscious already.
I think you should just relax. He's done NOTHING to prove anything other than he likes you.
I just want to feel special.
You are.

See? Stupid bitch.