Penitence

I woke up Sunday afternoon feeling hungover. There wasn't a drop of alcohol in my system, that's just how I feel when I sleep too much. The dog had moved from under my bed to the foot of my bed, ready in an instant to go outside when I got up.

I padded into the living room and squatted down on the floor where my computer is tucked away in a corner. My apartment isn't big enough for a desk. I began my morning rituals: check the Hotmail, check the Gmail, and moderate comments. There wasn't much on a Sunday outside my Word of the Day e-mail (vernissage : a private showing or preview of an art exhibition).

I lazily clicked over to my MySpace. I hadn't been on much recently, but I checked just in case. In my inbox was an e-mail marked "Hello..." from an unrecognizable boy. It's probably just one of those "You're hot, let's chat" e-mails, I thought. I opened the letter preparing for an ego boost. Instead, I got this:


Huh? What is he apologizing for? Sending an e-mail after I went to bed? Who is he?

I clicked on his profile and scrolled down to the schools section. I went to high school with him. I scrolled up and looked at his friends list and I knew who he was. He and I had one date 10 years ago when I was 15. Almost 10 years ago to the day. We went to a haunted house with a group of friends. After the date he started ignoring me at school. He said he didn't want me as a girlfriend.

"Well fine, let's be friends then."

He slammed his locker door shut and began walking to class. I followed him. "You don't know me," he said quietly.

"There's time for that. We can get to know each other." Oh god, even I wouldn't have been friends with me back then.

"Look, things just got out of control that night," and he disappeared in the classroom, leaving me in the hall.

It happened a few times when I was in high school. A boy would like me and go out with me exactly once. His friends found out and teased him mercilessly because I was too plain, or not popular enough, and he would never speak to me again. To everyone's surprise, I was a late bloomer and this isn't the first apology I've received through MySpace.

I haven't seen him in 8 or 9 years and I hadn't even given him a single thought in all that time. My eyes stung. Nothing makes me upset quicker than feeling validated. I was right in being hurt when he did that. I was right when I cried in that class we shared two periods later. I wasn't being silly.

I got up from the screen and made myself a bloody mary. Sucking on an olive, I responded, "Apologize? For what?" I at least had to make him say it.

Why do people feel the need to apologize for something they did too many years ago? Do they really want to repent?