~Thursday, November 02, 2006

Unlucky Number Seven

I've had three dates with #7 and it's going to stay that way. Every time I was out with him, I was mentally making lists of why I couldn't be with him.

Date #1

  • God, he is talking about not being married a lot.
  • Did he just say he likes his girls in lingerie? Aren't you supposed to wait until, I don't know, not the first date to say that?
  • How many stories about John Holmes does one person have?
  • I know he's not where he thought he would be at 30. I wish he would stop talking about it.
  • No career? Hmmm.
Date #2
  • Really? Two dates in two days? That's against one of my rules, but everyone is telling me to give him a second chance.
  • Omigod, that noise is him breathing.
  • He pays for everything with hundred dollar bills. Can't. Stop. Laughing. Where's the gold chain and the gobs of hair gel?
  • Whoops! He had me on my back a little too quickly there.
Date #3
  • Another date this week? I haven't seen a person I was dating three times in one week in over three years.
  • He doesn't live within city limits.
  • I know he's proud of his house, but it's kinda ugly.
  • No. No. No. I will not date a 30-year-old man who has a lava lamp in his bedroom.
  • There's that breathing noise again. That is the most annoying thing ever.
  • His teeth click too? There is just way too much sound coming from up there.
  • I know "Come over to my place and watch a movie" is international code for sex, but that's not happening.
  • No it's not happening.
  • Get your goddamn hand out of my pants.
  • Slow. Down.

Needless to say the date did not end well. I'm justifying with if I really liked him, none of these things would have bothered me. But if I'm sitting on his couch with 14 reasons why I can't go out with him again, even if as individual reasons they are pretty lame, then I must not be interested in him.

Like at all.


Walter said...

Hmmm, lava lamp, hundred "dollah" bills, references about John Holmes, and "Come over to my place and watch a movie". I'm getting the picture he has a mustache, wears polyester, and has this unfulfilled dream of being a porn star.
Run Sarah.
Run, and don't look back.

Indiana said...

So you are having fun with him...yes?

Buttons said...

hahah fabulous!! i love your blog!

i went out with a 'heavy breather' once. it got so much worse buring sex to the point that i was ALWAYS thinking he was just about to come...of course, to the contrary, he never did!

Sarah said...

Walter- you would think that, right? I also imagine him wearing a wife beater and having a Guido accent. Nope.

He's eating my dust, baby.

Indiana- I'm sorry, did you miss the part about the lava lamp? OR THE BREATHING?!?!?!

Buttons- thanks! Omigod, I never considered what he would sound like in bed. HAHAHAHAH! Did you ever see Jim Carey in "Me, Myself, and Irene?" and he breaks his nose and runs after the train and all you can hear is a whistle from his nose? Yeah, that's what it would sound like!

Jen said...

Way too many buts to date this guy...good decision to leave him in the dust!

Buttons said...

and they always sleep with their mouths wide open, jus to add insult to injury!

Sarah said...

Jen- I feel really good about that decision. My firends do too. They have already informed me that they would have made fun of me to my face if I ever brought him around.

Buttons- You have scared me off all funny breathers!


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