~Monday, May 14, 2007

My New Light

I got home from work and stopped when I reached my living room. Discarded on the floor were the previous night's clothes: it was my birthday and Jack met up with my friends and me at a baseball game and then took me for martinis afterwards. A lot of martinis.

What had seemed passionate the night before now seemed foolish and regrettable. Jack had seen the clothes that morning while I was in the shower as he retrieved his to dress. I wonder if the daylight made him think the same.

I didn't do anything wrong--I had sex with the guy I've been seeing for a few months, but I felt irresponsible after viewing the situation under a new light.

E2 said the baseball game was awkward with him there. She regaled how she, not me, invited him over for dinner and how he began to complain. I was grateful that she wanted to invite me over and cook for me, and he whined it was his only afternoon off this week. I tried to use the birthday card, but he informed me that I only get the one day. E2 couldn't believe she invited him over and he took it out on me. Not putting up with his attitude, she then uninvited him.

Katie then spoke up about how she got upset with Jack because every word he said to her was putting her down. She said she tried to remember if he was like that when they worked together, but she didn't know. She thinks it may be based on the power of suggestion: maybe he did it all along and she never noticed until I brought it up.

Helen admitted at first she was worried that if something happened between Jack and me, what would happen to the group. But now she said he's making it easy to not be his friend. Both E2 and Katie agreed that they like me better and that they would choose me.

Which makes me feel really, really horrible.

I just met these people three months ago and they would choose me over Jack: who E2 has known for over four years. They have known him longer. I feel like I'm stealing his friends.

I'm beginning to regret going over to Helen's for comfort on Good Friday. In doing so, I tainted his image; my talking about him has made people not like him. Then again, I'm not a person who exaggerates and makes things up, but maybe Katie wouldn't have noticed that he's never actually said a nice thing to her. Helen says he's digging his own grave. She said she's already stopped inviting him to group activities.

It was an eye-opener for them to hear how crazy-critical and arrogant Jack can behave. It was an eye-opener for me to hear E2 and Helen talk about him like that: how he took turns offending them as well. It validates that perhaps I'm not just being too sensitive.

I thought my birthday was fun. Now I'm not so sure.


dont eat token said...


Your birthday was fun, nothing has to change that. But it's okay if you accumulate feelings over time and make a decision about him in general.

BTW - I have a birthday WEEK. None of my friends can ever make plans with me for my exact birthday so I call it my birthday week and play all week long, with whomever is available! You can too! You decide! Happy Birthday TODAY!

Anonymous said...

there is no need to regret informing your new friends of the way their old "friend" behaves. I'm sure they are thankful that you have. Sometimes it takes a new perspective to see what is really going on. He doesn't sound like anyone worth keeping around if he's constantly criticizing "friends", let alone the person he's seeing.

Peach said...

does sound like he's digging his own grave sweetie....

M said...

if it was fun, it was fun - I think you can only assess these things at the time rather than later. Even now, I'm sure it was still fun.

As for his friends well you'd think they'd be much more loyal to him (god knows if they were my friends I'd want them to be) but since they aren't maybe that says a hell of a lot about the way he acts.

phoenix said...

if it was fun at the time then it was fun and that's that. you also would not have been talking about him in that way unless he had made you feel that way so stop beating yourself up about it. The friends are perfectly capable of seeing what he is like for themselves so don't feel guilty.

Two Drink Girl said...

steal his friends. He deserves it.

what? I'm just saying....

Drama Queen said...

Oh people make their own mind up based on the evidence. Remember that. . .

Sarah said...

Dont Eat Token- I used to have a birthday month, so it was quite the shocker I only got the one afternoon!

Anonymous- It was never my intention to turn them away from him. I've done that before, after a relationship was over I remained friends with the guy's friends. He was not happy about it at all and was accusing me of stealing them. I felt terrible.

Peach- He is.

M- It does say a lot that their loyalties have switched to me. Maybe that is what it will take for him to realize that he can't treat people this way and expect them to be there for him.

Phoenix- I just think if I had never complained about the way he spoke to me, they never would have realized that he's like that with them too and they would have a higher tolerance of it.

Two Drink Girl- I do make it a point to go out when I'm invited, just so they would get the chance to know me. I do need the friends too. Maybe this was an intentional thing after all...

Drama Queen- I guess I should feel grateful over the whole thing! At least some people like me!

James said...

You're not stealing his friends, he's losing his friends. It's his actions that are the cause.

m-joy said...

I've found that we base our opinion of a person based on our personal perspective. The window that Dee, E2, and G all looked through a window of a friend - not that of someone who was intimate with Jack.

With this new information their view is bound to change. That is out of your control (unfortunately) regardless of what you tell them about your relationship, they have eyes and ears. They SEE and HEAR how he treats YOU, you don't have to tell them.

And as far as the stealing of friends...the rule I follow is this:
If a 'new' friend offers the comment of 'I choose you' upon break-up or discussion of break-up, you are not held responsible for said choice. If YOU request it regardless of the response to said request you must relinquish said partial ownership upon dissolution of relationshipo

Or in other words...the friends get to choose, not you. They did. You are not cleared for guilt so suck it up and just be appreciative.


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