~Monday, April 21, 2008

F is for Family. And Fuck you, Father.

It started as a phone call to make birthday dinner plans with my father this week.

"Well, where do you want to go?"

"The Fish Market?" I tried.

"No, that's too expensive. I'll pick some place."

"Er, okay," I chewed. "So do you want to meet at my apartment first? We can do wine and appetizers?" This is what we do every year. "You haven't seen it since they upgraded me," I finished.

"No, Sarah. I do not want to see your apartment. I do not agree with you living with someone and I don't want to come over and see it anymore."

I was shocked. He just sounded so mean. "We can just meet at the restaurant then," I stammered. I quickly hung up the phone with him before he heard the tears.

"He said what?!" my mother gasped.

"It was just so mean and hurtful," I cried. "I don't even want to go out to dinner with him anymore."

"He proposed to your step-mom before I even knew about her existence," my mom growled.

"But he didn't move in with her until they were married," I said automatically. I think. I'm not sure; I was so little when it all happened.

"But he doesn't get to pick and choose righteousness," she barked. "I'm only telling you this so you will be angry and not sad."

"When my step-sister moved in with her boyfriend, they came to her apartment. She invited them over for dinner and they came. She told me that's what I need to do to get him over this. And I did. And he's refused," I sobbed.

"What does Scott say about all this?" she inquired.

"He's upset. He's upset because I'm upset. He's upset because he feels like the catalyst. He said he doesn't want to go out to dinner anymore either if it's going to be two hours of tension."

"I think he's right."

So I called my father back.

"I don't want to go to dinner anymore," I rushed, trying not to sound upset.

"That's your decision. Why?"

"Because I think you refusing to come over to my apartment is cruel and it hurts my feelings," I began.

"I don't agree with your lifestyle," he said clinically. It drives me nuts that he never shows any emotion towards me. He treats me like he does his customers.

"Well if you can't accept me, then you shouldn't be there to celebrate my life," I retorted.

"That's your decision," he repeated.

"No, it's yours. Goodbye."

I thought if I told him how I felt, he would change his mind. Instead he remained stoic as I cut him out of my life faster than he was trying to cut me out. I was stupid to think that we'd grown closer after my four-month stint living with him when I was 24. I was so stupid. All of a sudden I'm 16 again and I'm working two jobs to pay for my own way in life while he is a millionaire. Only one of my employers let me off for Father's Day; the other job denied my request off. And when I told him that I could only spend half the day with him, he got angry and we didn't talk for a year. My mother is right—he doesn't get to pick and choose when to be a father. He might have more right to his opinion if he didn't choose to live with and raise another family. He might have more of a right if I didn't serve as an afterthought.

And now we're officially estranged.


Anonymous said...

Oh honey, he doesn't deserve you if he thinks he can treat you like that.

I got a £25 cheque and a £7 dinner from mine for my 30th last month...over dinner he told me all about re-decorating the bedroom with decent furniture that he'd done this year.

Vi said...

Unfortunately, he's not going to know what he's done till he's older and all alone.

Lulu said...

Oh that sucks! You don`t deserve to be made feel bad! I hope he comes around and says sorry.

It is his choice though and Vi is right, he will one day realize his mistake and regret it!

Chickpea said...

It's so sad that you have to experience all this, when you've done nothing wrong.

Vi is right, one day he will realize that he fucked up royally, but there's a chance that then it will be too late.

Just remember there are people out there that care for you and love you, like your mom and Scott.

Paige Jennifer said...

Sometimes family is what you make and not what you get. Glad to hear that at least your mom can balance his behavior a little bit.

Single Girl said...

Our fathers are so much alike, it's scary!! They must have read the same parenting book or something! SO sorry to hear about this, he's an ass and will realize what a huge mistake he's making, it's just unfortunate that you are being hurt right now. At least the rest of your family is being supportive and Scott is behind you.

AmyD said...

Oh shit...this is terrible!! You poor thing!! I can't tell which one is the child and which one is the adult, here. And, um, HOW OLD ARE YOU?? Do you not have the right to live your life and make your own decisions without him rubbing it in your face repeatedly? :o( I figure this will all blow over if you want it to, but it sounds to me like this is nothing new. Even if he comes to you to clear the air, it sounds like he has more clearing of air than he will be able to do in this lifetime. You just live your life and don't forget that you are doing it for YOU - for YOUR happiness. (((HUGS)))

Dora said...

Its so sad that he had to pick now to do this. On your birthday. So childish! Some people never really grow up and unfortunately that's the person he is.
Hope you have a great birthday regardless....Big Hug

Emma said...

Aww Sarah, I am so sorry je has turned out like this, I do somehow think he may live to regret it though..x

Diane Mandy said...

That's so wrong! I'm sorry, lady!

Peach said...

that's shit - I'm sorry to hear that. Your birthday will be all the better for not having him there though, hopefully. Glad your Mom and Scott are supportive X

Anonymous said...

How old is this man?! I can't believe his childishness over you not being able to be there for Father's Day. Your mum is completely right - his self-righteousness is staggering, given the choices it seems he has made in his own life. He needs to be told that.

general_boy said...

Welcome to the club :). Miss R and I have had no contact with her father for almost 2 years, and neither of us misses the prick one bit ( also on the verge of being a millionaire, and a well established sociopath ).

You did what you have to Sarah, good on you for making a stand. :)

heyteach said...

I agree with you ..fuck him! It is his loss. Don't sweat it ..he is not dwelling on it, so don't waste your time on him. Your mom is the one to be close to and your mate in making your new life. Take care.

dont eat the token said...

That really sucks.

Enny said...

Oh I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through this.

Maybe he will realise one day, but for the moment I'm glad you realised you're better off than that nonsense.

I hope your birthday is as good as can be after that BS :o)

M said...

Christ, sorry to say but what a dick. I hope he realises what an idiot he's being about this and crawls back apologising BIG TIME! The father's day thing is the most atrocious thing I've read about on any blog in a while!

>*;* said...

I think some people just don't have that bond with their dads no matter how much they try to make it work. I know me and my father didn't speak for over 4 years one time for a stupid little blowout and him being mad at me.

I hope you can figure out a good way to balance it so you aren't always hurt by his lack of compassion.

Feel blessed you have your mother, she sounds like she can relate to your pain.

Anonymous said...

Your father is a jerk who is too immature to handle things like an adult and it seems he's been that way all your life.

That sucks.

This also really helps me to understand better why you put up with Scott and let him get away with the shitty way he treats you every time things don't go his way.

Amber said...

Oh sweetie...

I am SO sorry that he did that to you. Anybody can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy. I'm sorry that he isn't being a daddy and is hurting you so much.

And honestly? I am so impressed and so proud of you for recognizing the cruel emotional/mind games for what they are and putting your foot down.

...Even though it hurts.

I'm here if you need to talk.


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