~Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Under Pressure

The short story of it all: I got depressed. What I was feeling was beyond a case of the blahs, I had lost the ability to process things normally. Anxiety attacks began overpowering me daily. Incorrectly billed medical statements would send me into a downward spiral of snot and tears. I just couldn't handle things anymore like a normal person--anything and everything sent me over the edge.

During my last visit with my endocrinologist, I was advised going on anti-depressants when I said my fatigue wasn't getting any better. My eyes began to tear at his suggestion. I had been this depressed before, when I first began this blog after a bad breakup in '05. I worked through it then without the aid of prescriptives. I thought I could do it again. I politely turned the doctor down.

But the difference between last time and this time were my responsibilities. As in, I didn't have any last time. I had lost my job the week before the break-up and I had nothing to do but watch reruns of ER on TNT and get better. This time I had a job, and the boyfriend, and all the responsibilities of keeping the house running.

One night I locked myself in the bathroom and lay on the shower mat and cried. At that moment, I lost the will to live. Suicide wasn't something I considered. It was more of I could lie on this mat for the rest of my life. Everything else is just too hard. Scott and I then got into a terrible fight. I still think he picked one with me just so I would show any emotion, any spark of life.

The next morning I called my doctor and asked for the prescription, and within three days I was feeling like myself again. The anti-depressants were like a breath of fresh air. Incorrect medical bills now only required a phone call instead of a cryfest. I feel human again.

I don't plan to be on them long-term, but in the meantime, they're my godsend.

24 comments:

KennethSF said...

I'm relieved to hear you're thinking of anti-depressants as a temporary measure. I'd hate to see anybody becoming dependent on those.

J said...

Do what you need to do to get better. The prescription does not have to be forever, only temporary. Sending some big hugs your way...

canadian sadie said...

You are a brave woman. And there's nothing wrong with taking medicine. You'd take it if you had a cold, you'd take it if you had an infection. Take it when you're unwell.

*hugs* You're not alone...but you're definitely braver than a lot of people are. I'm proud of you.

-another sarah.

Enny said...

Oh dear - I'm sorry to hear you were so down, but glad you've found a way back up!

*hugs*

Radhika said...

You are a remarkable woman Sarah. I truly admire you.

Me said...

Taken AD's twice in my life. Once 12 years ago, once two years ago. Each time it was temporary and each time I simply ended up "forgetting" to take them after 6 months or so, because things had started to mend. This is good stuff. Nothing wrong with it. They are a crutch when you need them and it's ok to lean a little.:)

Michigan Sarah said...

Oh hun. I know what you're going through. I've been there, after my break-up with Sam. I was literally left powerless for a long time. I never took meds because I am as stubborn, and eventually it mended itself out with the help of friends and the location change back to home. Stick in there! There's nothing wrong with taking meds to help mend a situation, and like a previous commenter said.. one day you'll just naturally wean yourself off and things will be back to normal.

You're in my thoughts!
~Angel Girl (relocated back to blogger, and blogging again under new name)

kristin said...

I don't think that my mom would be who she is right now, after everything she's been through, if she didn't have them. Because that day I found her on the floor of the shower fully clothed and in tears? I would have given the world to make it better.

You're in my thoughts as always. Hope you're having a good week. xoxo

AfterGirl said...

If your body did not produce any insulin would you use a prescription for insulin as a temporary measure? Certianly see if you only need antidepressants temporarily but if you need the chemicals to make your brain work correctly please by all means become "dependent" on them!

Curvy girl said...

Sometimes our bodies need a little "boost" to get things right again. Whether long term, short term or not at all, you should do what's best for you in that moment.

I've had those bathmat moments in the bathroom myself, and all I can tell you is that it will get better. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

LizSara said...

I was going to ask you where you'd been and now I know. So pleased you're taking positive steps babygirl x

Hope Scott is doing better too

MariaG097 said...

*hugs* Get well soon!

Diane Mandy said...

I'm glad you realized this was bigger than you a the moment. There is no shame in getting help.

AmyD said...

Oh, I'm so glad you finally gave in and got some help! I figured you were going through something, but didn't want to be a bother. Shame on me... I'm proud of you for putting your "pride" aside and doing something about this. (((HUGS)))

Lpeg said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I am glad you are strong enough to realize you needed the help and asked for it. Some people would continue lying on that bathroom rug and never do anything about it.

Depression sucks, and to add it on to everything else you've been going through - I'm thinking about you.

Trixie said...

It's not suprising you feel that way after the bad run you and scot have had. Just you concentrate on getting better hon. x

MamaBear said...

You've already told me this over lunch, but thought i'd pipe up anyway here.

My wife has picked fights with me just to see me move. Sometimes it even works. Been taking a lot of xanax lately, leading up to trial (which got delayed again, btw); so a lot of would-be fights just slide on by.

A temporary drug is better than inaction any day of the week, because the latter just makes life worse, things stack up, life snowballs, and then you're at the bottom of the pile and it's impossible to move...

M-Joy said...

I was wondering where you'd been, what was going on, why the MIA behavior. Even not really replying to my emails.

I'm so so so glad you're taking care of yourself. We need to get together. Coffee, a bookstore, some fun off the wall Christmas window shopping in L5P maybe? Let me know.

M said...

So sorry you have been feeling like this but glad that you've taken the right step for you! This is positive and will get better!

trinity2 said...

I'm with J - do what you need to feel better.{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

dont eat the token said...

I am so happy that you are feeling better and healing! XO

hollly said...

I'm so happy you got some help because that's one of the very hardest things to do when someone is depressed. I've totally had the spiral down cry fest at mucked up insurance billings.

I'm glad you are feeling better. Good luck!

Amber said...

There is absolutely NO SHAME in using the tools available, be it counseling, anti-depressants, etc. to get through the hard things that you must endure sometimes in this life.

I'm proud of you for making the call and being pro-active about this. It takes more strength to accept help, sometimes, than it does to give it.

I'm keeping you and Scott in my prayers. And I'm so glad that you're already feeling more like yourself.

If you need a friend, I don't care what time of the day or night it is, please call. Or email. Whatever. You know how to get a hold of me.

You've had one helluva year, Miss Sarah. I hope you're regaining confidence in the fact that, this too, shall pass.

In the meantime, I'm so proud of you for taking steps to take care of YOU, too, while you're taking care of everything else...

xoxo

KT said...

i completely understand. same thing happened to me a year or so ago and after much stubborness (and fear) about going on meds, i found myself at rock bottom with no other way out. so i took the meds and felt an immediate difference. they've done me a world of good.

 

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