Morning Sickness

I had morning sickness the other morning. The first morning a wave of nauseousness blanketed me while I was driving to work. All of a sudden I was sweating and checking the shoulder of the highway for room to pull over. But as soon as I arrived at work, I had some crackers for breakfast and I was fine again.

The second morning came and with it, the same wave of nauseousness. This time it was little more severe than the one before it, alleviated with a bagel for breakfast and a muffin for an after lunch snack.

The third morning came, and any time I wasn't actually chewing and swallowing, I was nauseous again. And I wasn't ill in an upset stomach kind of way, but a motion sickness kind of way. I could feel my eyes roll around in my head. The computer screen was too visually stimulating for me to get any work done.

Even though I was four days out of my period, I was convinced I was pregnant. And I wasn't the only one. Scott nervously asked me what my other symptoms were. "Nothing, just constant motion sickness," I answered. "And my hair kind of hurts. Like how it feels when it's pulled back into a tight ponytail, but I haven't worn one in days."

Because I was too ill to work, I did nothing but sit at my desk and think of pregnancy tests. I would do it without telling Scott. I won't tell him how nervous I am about this. And I won't bring up the fact that I've been at my job for less than a year and therefore not qualified to take maternity leave, nor have a job waiting for me when I get back. Nor will I think about how I feel like I just feel like I've gotten my life back in order and a baby right now will totally screw up all of my work over the past few months. I've even felt so good I stopped taking my antidepressants...

I don't want to brag, but I've been having a fabulous year. I realize I'm only 21 days into it, but I'm not looking this gift horse in the mouth. I've just been feeling so good and so in control of my life. I've forgotten to take them a day or two here or a weekend there, and I've never noticed a difference. But I never developed a game plan for getting off them... I just sort of stopped taking them.

I squinted in order to focus on the computer monitor and then I promptly googled "quitting antidepressants." The list of withdrawal symptoms were incredible: nauseousness, motion sickness, vomiting, etc. Everything I felt was listed (so was mania, but let's pick and choose here).

I had to call my pharmacist to refill my prescription and then I put my head back on my desk to try to make it through the day. On my way home, my own driving made me motion sick, exacerbated by the brightness of the brake lights in front of me. "Just seven more minutes," I told myself. "Just seven more minutes and I'll be at the pharmacy."

I think the speed bumps in the pharmacy parking lot is what put me over. I opened the car door and threw up for the first time. I was ready for a second, but some kids were walking through the lot and I didn't want them to see me. I tried waiting them out, but they met another kid and were standing completely in front of my car door.

I struggled to get out of the car and shut the door. Every step I took made me feel closer and closer to something involuntary happening. I turn towards the kids to see if they'd moved on yet, but they were in the middle of a freaking drug deal. My pharmacy is in my neighborhood which is not a place you want to be out alone at night. But drug dealers or not, I wasn't going to throw up in front of them, even though they'd probably assume I was detoxing myself (which if you think about it, I really was).

That something involuntary did eventually happen. Behind the charity book drop in front of the pharmacy storefront. My only solace is that I probably wasn't the first person to do that there, although I probably was the first non-homeless person to do so.

One shower and one pill swallowed later, I was feeling okay again. Apparently I'm going to have to wean myself off them. It's such a foreign feeling to be physically addicted to something. To be ill without it in your body. I imagine it's what addicts go through, but I'm missing the psychological addiction of it all. I don't want it, I don't need it, however unless I stick to my schedule, I'm one very sick girl. It's such a peculiar idea for me.