~Friday, June 26, 2009


Therapy was a little awkward this week. After being diagnosed with a "broken heart" (I still love that), I thought we were going to delve into things more. Let's break it wide open and talk about my father and step-father and how I've never had a positive male role model in my life. I thought we were going to explore my emotional stunting. But instead, she stamped my file as "healthy" and tells me I'm approaching the end of my therapy and I don't need to come back for three weeks.

I believe there are underlying issues and I don't want to deal with them again. I don't want to go through this again. I want to fix myself now so I can be healthy and happy and well adjusted.

Maybe she felt that way because I stayed silent, waiting for her to steer the conversation back to my Major Issues. I didn't know letting her lead the conversation would mean that I'm healthy. I don't feel healthy. I told her the waters have been calm the last few weeks and the reason I feel as good as I do is not because I'm all healthy and well adjusted, it's because I haven't been tested. She says I don't give myself enough credit and that I have a lot more strength and self-worth than I realize.

She said me putting one foot in front of the other during a job loss, cancer scare, domestic violence, breakup, moving home with my parents, and then starting a brand new job shows that I already have what it takes. She says any single one of those situations is enough to debilitate anyone, much less all of them happening at the same time. She gives me a lot of credit for that. I guess I needed to hear that and have it validated because when I think of things in my head, I think if I were a healthy-minded individual, none of this would have ever transpired. And I can intellectually acknowledge the flaws in that thinking. Some of the scenarios I went through were out of my control. Healthy people can get laid off and have cancer.

It's just that when I imagine where I want to be, I think of a life like my brother's. He seems to dwell in this charmed existence where nothing ever goes wrong. My brother married right out of college to a woman who just graduated from medical school. He just quit his job he held for the last 10 years to move across the country with his wife. He quit his job after I got laid off and he found a new one before I found mine (and if I were being really honest, I would admit I got my job through his wife. I applied to over 100 jobs on my own and couldn't get anything.) That kind of crap just isn't fair. And I do get hung up on the fairness of it all. Everyone is supposed to have ups and downs, not my brother having all the ups and me having all the downs. I feel like Danny Devito in Twins. One got all the perfect genes and the other one just got the leftovers. I'm the 3-foot tall bald man. The things I've been through AREN'T FAIR.

And I find myself wanting to fix whatever's wrong with me so maybe one day I can be charmed too.


Blue soup said...

I could have written this post. Sometimes it feels like I got a right bum hand, especially when you consider my sister lives in rural bliss with her fiance, dog and rabbit.

But then again, I don't think she could cope with the stuff I have been through in the past few years. Stuff that echos yours: damaging relationship, cancer scare, redundancy troubles and money concerns.

Life is about the ride, apparently. We'll get there. x

dawn said...

Sometimes I feel the same way. Why did I get lose all my contract jobs in this shitty economy? Why did I get diagnosed with MS when I was 27? Why, why, why, when all my friends seem to have a flawless life.

The operative word is "seem." We don't really know what goes on behind closed doors, do we? Even when they're close family members, like your brother, you don't really know what kind of emotional/financial/whatever turmoil he goes through. Only what he lets you see.

People often put on a facade, a happy face, letting us think that everything is perfect. Charmed. But it's not always so.

I sometimes think that some people might think the same of me. Because I got a new contract job. Because I live in a great house. Because I'm out buying something for myself at 3pm on a Wednesday instead of working (because I can set my own hours).

If the walls could only talk...

But they don't know that I have MS, that I had a terrible fight with my husband, that I'd really like to trade in my 17 (yes, SEVENTEEN) year-old car for something just a wee bit newer, that I live across the border from my family and don't get to see them more than a couple of times a year and miss them something awful, that I have wake up at least four times during the night to pee and wonder if something is terribly wrong, etc, etc, etc. They only see what I show them.

Oh my gosh, I just went on and on, didn't I? I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. My life is certainly not charmed, nor are many people's.

And, like my father told me when I failed a test in school and I said that "almost everyone else failed too!"... it doesn't matter how everyone else did.

Don't compare yourself, Sarah. You are YOU, and you're wonderful. And your life will right itself. It already is, sweetie.

Julie said...

You are right. Life isn't fair. It doesn't come out even. But being healthy is not going to make life fair, any more than being broken makes life unfair. Healthy or broken has to do with how you deal with what you get, not determining what you get. It sounds like you are trying to take control, which is good, but over things you can't control, which isn't. Keep working on taking control of the things you CAN control, and also letting go of the things you can't. And maybe, see if an al-anon meeting or two might help fill in the spaces that your therapist is about to leave open?

MamaBear said...

We should discuss this in person; like blue soup, I know where you're coming from. Sometime in late July, though, as I'm prepping for (pray for me) final trial in the middle of the month. My phone is open before then, though. :-D

I will say, though, that it's absolutely true that when you peel back nearly anyone's life, there's all kinds of detritus and turmoil. More than most people let on.

Also, if you have stuff you want to discuss with this therapist person, do it. She doesn't want you to become dependent on her; on the other hand, if you have things you want to hash out before you move on, do it now. Definitely. She ain't god, and she's not in charge, and she's not an authority. She's hired by you to help you. Keep that in mind.

Lpeg said...

I'm actually a little surprised that she told you not to come back for three weeks. The first thing my therapist brings up each week is what time next week I'll be in. But then again, I'm under the belief that everyone could use therapy, and just having someone to talk to and vent to each week is healthy.

But aside from that, she is right. You took each major downfall in stride, you were able to put one foot in front of the other and keep your chin up. Yes, it was hard, and yes, it sucked, but you are stronger because of that, and I believe that you are truly healthy. Especially reading these last couple posts about your feelings and where you stand with Scott.

But talk to her, like MamaBear said, she is there to help you. And even if you don't know where to start, tell her you still feel like some things need to be 'fixed', and you need her help to figure out what they are, and how you can feel like you are a healthier individual.

Best of Luck, Sarah. We're all rooting for you, and we're all very much in awe of what you have been through and how well you have handled it all. xo.

KennethSF said...

If you're really a 3-foot tall bald man, I've got to meet you in person. ;-)

Every once in a while, we all feel we're not getting our fair share. But I've come to realize Life has dealt much harsher blows to millions of others than. Then I'm grateful for what I have.

Alison said...

I just want to add a word on therapists: you are allowed to keep looking until you find one you are comfortable with. If you don't feel your current therapist is giving you the attention or help that you need please keep looking until you find one that will.

dont eat the token said...

I bet three weeks will fly by - my therapist lets me decide when to come in next and I found that every 2 weeks was almost too soon just because, yeah, you sort of need to be tested in real life to have something new to work on in your next session.

Wait the 3 weeks and go and if it felt too long be sure to let her know. It's possible you'll feel just fine about it :)

gekkogirl said...

i echo Alison. If you do not feel you are getting the support you need then its ok to find someone else. Sometimes it takes time.

I would also part-echo what your therapist said. You are healthier than you think girl! Look at you! All the crap that came your way and there you are....ok its not easy but others would still be on the ground with saliva dripping from their face... ok well maybe not that bad but you get me right? x

Paige Jennifer said...

Just watch an episode of Extreme Home Makeover (shakes fists at Ty). I accidentally caught one last night, the one where this 8yo kid with brittle bone disease who will never grow bigger than the average 18mo was all smiles and giggles and loving life. And while crying at this little boy's beautiful approach to life I thought, huh, I guess having a large ass really isn't so bad after all.


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