~Thursday, July 02, 2009

Fail Safe

I am not having a good time living at home. All my mother and step-father do is snap at each other. They both takes turns at it and are both guilty of treating each other that way. They just jump down each other's throats and neither try to understand the other's viewpoint. It's just so hostile and tense all the time. Someone is always wronged and angry.

Sunday night at dinner, Mom sits down to eat and my step-father yells at her that she took the wrong hamburger. The one on her plate is the one he made for my dog. Mom snaps back she didn't want a burnt burger and then begins to cry that the dog gets better treatment than her. What my step-father fails to tell her is that the burger he made for the dog had no spices and hers did. He should have explained the difference and then let her have whatever burger she wants. But he's mad and now she's mad. He snaps about something regarding the lettuce and tomato burger toppings. My instinct is to run. I want to grab my plate and take it upstairs to my bedroom. I don't want to be around this. But I know if I do leave, I'll make things worse.

The tension is so thick that I'm pounding my head into my fists. I'm beating myself. I can't sit here and not do something to make the situation better. I explain the difference of the burgers to my mom, but it's too late. No one cares. No one is listening. Mom cut her (new) burger into pieces and isn't even eating it. My step-father sees my mother cry and he leaves the table and goes outside. Mom begins to yell and my dog runs out of the kitchen, too skitish to beg for dinner. She hates him, she says. He's a bastard. She can't stand this house.

I try to explain that this house is supposed to be my safe haven and my refuge. This fighting isn't good for me. I told her I wanted to move out just to not be around this. My mother cries harder and says she doesn't want me to leave because she doesn't want to be alone with my step-father. Now I feel like I have 3 jobs: the one I get paid at, the one where I try to be non-partisan and cut the tension just to make the house liveable, and the one where I keep my mother company so she won't be lonely and have to face her marriage.

The house feels cold and impersonal and I'm uncomfortable here. I don't want to be here either. I wish Christopher would call and invite me over, but I know at this moment I'll just be running away from something instead of running towards him. I'm doing pretty well and I feel guilty for telling my mom this is supposed to be my rehab. Since I'm doing so well I should just suck it up and be there for her and save my money. But I think there is some fragility to my state. I don't want to push things and suffer an emotional set back. I don't feel entirely safe here. I don't think of this house as a place where I can mentally and emotionally flourish. I don't feel emotionally safe. I don't want to suffer and be uncomfortable and be stuck in the crossfire of angry words and tension.

I wonder if I could feel safe in my own apartment. I know I get lonely when I'm separated from people for so long and I know crying jags are a distinct possibility if I live on my own. At least I don't cry when I live at home. I'm too scared to. I just want to have a safe place in my life.


gekkogirl said...

Oh no :( what a horrible situation to be in. I'm so sorry. maybe give it a bit more time? I know that its not feeling all that great but perhaps... perhaps you need to be in this right now? I don't know, maybe I am talking out of my behind.

I'm just not certain that being alone would be that much more helpful to you.

Erin said...

Set a date when you will be finicially stable and move out. I was in the same type of situation, being put the middle of my parents' ongoing divorce and I can tell you that it's so much more peaceful being on your own.

I think having an ocassional crying jag is better for you than dealing with constant tension and infidelity.

Lpeg said...

I think I agree with Erin. Set a date and do not waver unless you, financially, cannot make it.

I think being alone might be better. At least there you can choose to have the quietness or invite friends over. Or, invite your mom over. But not both.

J said...

You deserve a safe place. We all do...I hope you find it soon.

Circle City Girl said...

Wow, Sarah I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I know that situation you are in can be really ruff. I do think you should be there to support your mother while she is going through this. But it would be hard for anyone to gather their thoughts when family members are yelling at each other day in and day out. You and your family will be in my prayers and I hope you find a place of your own soon, so you can find some peace about the situation. Thinking of you in this moment.



MamaBear said...

As an alternative to either, do you have anyone you'd consider moving in with as a roommate?

TexInTheCity said...

I don't know you but I really want to hug you.

Anonymous said...

i want to say i feel like i understand this. and i started to. except that my parents are happy and still together and yada yada. but when they argue? when they fight? i need ear plugs. i need an escape. because parents are supposed to be our safe haven, our cement, our refuge. and nothing is ever wrong with hoping for that. atleast not in my mind.

Paige Jennifer said...

When I lived at home (and actually, even now with my own place), I tend to keep myself occupied. One night I work my part-time gig and another I'm volunteering. Maybe I'll meet a friend for dinner or just wander the aisles at Barnes and Noble. It's rare I'm home before 10pm. Perhaps not the healthiest answer but definitely works in keeping me happy.


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