~Monday, August 10, 2009

And then

I thought I was done hurting. And then I find out something that yet again shook me down to the core of Everything You Thought For the Past 2 Years Was WRONG. And I hurt in an entirely new and different way.


I'm not hurt by him. I'm a little angry, but I'm not crying any tears for him. The hurt and the anger and pain is directed mainly towards myself.

But there is no way you could have known, they tell me. Because you are good, you could not have known. And isn't it better to be GOOD and KIND and CARING than to know?

At this moment I choose not to forgive him. It is how I am choosing to deal with it.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know I'm just a lurker but I had to say, I hope you are feeling okay.

Its okay to not forgive him. You don't have to do anything you don't want to for him again.

I know exactly the healing process you are going through, and it can be very tough. All I can say is just be you and the wonderful person you are, because there are lots of people out in your life and here online who care about you.

I hope you don't mind me saying this. J x

preciousandpriceless said...

You don't have to forgive. You just have to make sure it doesn't have an adverse affect in other relationships...yeah...easier said then done...and really I should be taking my own advice.

Prettylyf said...

You're allowed to feel what you feel or want to feel and to not even forgive if you don't want to.

Smile. Up has come (-:

Peach said...

dudess, just big big hugs to you... you don't deserve this...

Dawn said...

At first I thought this was about Christopher and I was all, "Oh no!!!! No, no, nooooo!!!"

Then I read it again, after a cup of coffee, and looked at the label. Scott. It's about Scott.

Please stop hurting. Even though you say you're not hurt by him, if he's involved in this, then you need to push it away. He's not worth any of it.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to de-lurk to add my two cents, and hope they might be helpful.
I understand you're hurt, and you have every right to be. He was inhumane to you and it's only normal that you feel hurt, angry, betrayed, and lied to.

However, I disagree with Anonymous that "you don't have to do anything you don't want to for him again." You don't have to do anything for him ever again. But forgiving someone isn't about THEM in some cases; it's about you. Not forgiving him won't hurt him; he's proven he couldn't care less about you. But it will hurt you! I'm not saying forget. I'm not saying make the same mistakes again. I'm also not saying "let him back in"! But forgiveness doesn't need to be any of those. Forgiveness can be YOU going, "I haven't forgotten but I'm going to release the hurt, for ME!"

Lpeg said...

For a second I thought this was about Christopher, and was heartbroken! But I had to catch up on the last post and realized these were both Scott.

I'm sorry you are hurting. And I think it's okay not to forgive him. What he did was unforgiveable.

Lpeg said...

Also just read Anonymous' post... and I think they've got a point, as well, about forgiving him for yourself. Not for him, but for yourself...

Totally contradicting myself, but, yeah.... :)

gekkogirl said...

I'm just sending you lots and oodles of warm blanket, comfort love.

I had to forgive someone for something that haunted me for a long long time. It was the most liberating thing I ever did though. It set me free.

I hope in time, you will find whatever it is you need to cut that cord and fly high and away from this.
xxx

MamaBear said...

What the second anonymous said. Think of it less as forgiveness as much as letting it go. He is who he is, always has been, always will be. It doesn't matter TO YOU anymore. You can move beyond it, and you will.

Erin said...

You'll get through this. With someone like Scott, you are always going to get new, shitty information about him. I promise you. The only thing you can do is choose to cut off the outlets- (Scott, his parents, whoever) that are telling you this information or you will never get any rest from it.

Melissa said...

We're allowed to have days where we throw an "I'm such a moron for ever thinking x,y,z" pity-party. We're human, and things will always happen to remind us of the things we wish we could change. Hang in there... there is always a window open just a crack when a door gets slammed.

dont eat the token said...

Scott is a fuck-tard. There, I said it.

Love and hugs to you, it's okay to be hurt and unforgiving right now. You have so much more worth than he made you feel. xo

xxxx said...

you have to forgive.. its not for him its for you

 

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