~Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Nothing worth mentioning

My therapist was dressed from head to toe in white linen. "Just trying to get it in one more time before Labor Day," she offered.

We sat down. She was in the corner on her brown microfiber plush chair and I plopped on the floral loveseat. I always sit on the right side of the loveseat because the person before me sits on the left and leaves a warm patch on the cushion that's just a little too close for comfort.

"So what's been going on these last three weeks?" she asked.

"Nothing," I answered. No-thing. For the first time ever, I was dreading my therapy appointment because I just didn't have anything to say. The last few weeks have been like gliding on water.

My step-father has been increasingly spiteful to my mother, but what else is new.

The one in rehab continues to contact me. If not by phone, then by letter. The carrier pigeon is only so far away, I'm guessing. Only I'm handing it well by telling him I don't want any contact with him and then slamming the phone down.

I waited a week before I actually opened his letter. It's nothing worth mentioning. He made some 4 page front and back grandiose apology, apologizing for everything he's ever done to anyone at anytime. He spelled my dog's name wrong. Wanted to know what my family thought about us getting back together (phaw!) and then said if I wasn't crushed by all of this, then I didn't love him like I once said I did. Like I said, nothing worth mentioning.

It took me a month, but I finally wrote him a response. (He had by now found my e-mail address and was e-mailing me, first kindly, then he took a decidedly different tone when I didn't respond). I needed to write him after I found out the information that I did. I needed to release the poison that it made inside me. This, I guess, was the reason I was at therapy today.

Before I read her my letter, my therapist stressed the importance of writing the letter, not sending the letter. She did not think any further contact with him was necessary.

I picked up my yellow legal pad began to read aloud. There were three points I wanted to make: the ways the constant verbal abuse knocked me down, how his lying taught me not to trust myself and was pretty disabling in my life, and I knew his big, dirty secret and at this point, he does not have my forgiveness.

I laid the pad back in my lap. It was a good letter. Silence filled the office.

"Send it," she spoke.

"But you-" I started to protest.

"He needs to read that. It's called an impact letter and he needs to know how his addiction affected others. He's going to be angry and show it to his counselor because he apologized and you wouldn't accept. If he has a good counselor, he'll read it and then make him read out loud in group therapy."

I laughed that she knew him well enough without ever meeting him to know he would be angry. His initial response was always anger and then blaming the other person. She thinks this might be enough to turn his life around. I think, despite knowing he's going to be angry, my therapist is a tad off.

We then switched the topic to Christopher. Going okay. Nothing worth mentioning. We went away together again for Labor Day, back to a place where we already share some memories. I like the do-over feel of the relationship.

It's still super casual, only seeing each other twice a week. Sometimes I get frustrated with that and would like a little more contact, but in the back of my mind, I know that this is a healthy pace for me. It forces me to spend time on myself and I still see my friends with weekly regularity.

Like I said, nothing worth mentioning.

18 comments:

Lauri said...

I hope you will know when this lunatic will be getting out of treatment. He seems extremely unstable and isn't getting that it's over....Stay safe and make sure he can't find ya.....way to go - seems like things are really beginning to come together for you.

gekkogirl said...

It IS worth mentioning because look, things are going well. You are doing well :-) x

AmyB said...

So much growth... I'm happy for you. :o)

Tricia said...

Nice update.missed reading your posts

Paige Jennifer said...

Yay you (she says as she affixes two gold stars to your post)!

Jaclyn said...

I'm really glad that all is well and stable in your life now!

TexInTheCity said...

Nothing worth mentioning? Dude, you are growing by leaps and bounds!

You RULE and the one in rehab drools.

Tex

LizSara said...

Always blog when happy lady, your nothing makes us clap for you x

Melissa said...

Wow... nothing worth mentioning, but still a lot. I think it's great, though... beautiful progress in a beautiful life. I love reading about how things are shining in your world, even on days when the shine is a little dull.

J said...

I think that is a lot worth mentioning. I am happy that you are doing so well!

SuvvyGirl said...

Glad you are doing well!! Nothing is not a bad thing...keeps us sane and out of trouble :P

trinity2 said...

Sometimes nothing worth mentioning is a GOOD break. ;-)

MamaBear said...

Truly awesome. I am so very very proud of you!

Lpeg said...

Really glad that 'nothing worth mentioning' is how your life is going right now! For the time being, that's a great thing! And glad you're taking things slow with Christopher and just enjoying it. And I'm glad she told you to send that letter. I hope his counselor does make him read it aloud in group therapy!

M-Joy said...

I had shut off the lights, disconnected from the "free public" internet access I've been tapping into at home (until mine gets set up on the 21st) and gone outside to smoke and read this post via my phone and THEN made the decision that I must post my comment.

First, I do not believe that this is "not worth mentioning". Again you have minimized the weight and the severity of this situation and interaction (with your therapist). Second, I agree with the therapist on the sending of the letter for the reason of actual "phyisical" closure (of which me knowing you personally I know you literally need). And third, most importantly I opened up my laptop to say this....

Forgiveness isn't for the forgiven, it is for the forgiver. You may (and hopefully won't) ever forGET what Scott has done. You may never forget how he has impacted your life, your outlook, your trust-level (I hope!), your opinion on the world, but you must grow and progress and ultimately arrive at forgiveness.

It is not for him but for yourself.

"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution." (Wikipeida reference"

It is the conclusion of your relationship with Scott. It is your closure. It is your holy grail, brass ring, your Oscar, your Grammy, your last word in your book of "Sarah and Scott". Your ending.

Forgiveness is your summit. That is where ultimately you (and I hate to use this word) should eventually strive to be. To forgive Scott for what he has done and how he has impacted your life, how he has changed you, is extremely important.

And please note that I have never once suggest you forget. Never ever forget your time with him but do arrive at forgiveness. It is the threshold to your true and full release from him.

dont eat the token said...

Self depricating! It IS worth mentioning and you know we care. The letter sounds good. I don't know about mailing it ... but it's good for you to define the ways he hurt you so you can heal from it. Bravo!

Jaime said...

I think you should cut ALL contact with Scott. Have you ever read Gavin DeBecker's book Gift of Fear? He is a security expert who teaches women how to watch out for their personal safety. He makes a really important point about stalkers/ex boyfriends, etc. He writes that when you ignore someone 40 times and then respond on the 41st time to say "Don't call/write/email me, etc."

The crazy stalker person hears "It takes 41 times to get a response so I guess I need to keep contacting." Scott has proven to be dangerous and you're moving on so I think you need to cut him off completely.

Mike said...

Very interesting read. Thank you.

 

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