~Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Maybe I should have had another hobby for the past 4 years

I had a dream last night that Christopher found my blog. In my dream, I had logged in at work in the morning and checked my e-mails of blog comments. There in the header of the e-mail was his e-mail address. The comment was complimentary of some post I had written about his father. It literally read, "I like the Q&A you did with my father." But with the big discovery of this hope chest of my wishes and dreams, Christopher refrained from acknowledging and responding.

In my dream, I panicked because Christopher knew every thought I had at every moment in our relationship. He knew that I was questioning if he loved me. My playbook was exposed. And he let me know through this simple comment.

It's made me question if perhaps this blog is causing me some personal injury. With every stilled image in my mind that I photograph in words, I am getting a little more invested in him. I wonder if it's healthy to be doing this three times a week.

In reality, last night I had a wonderful time with Christopher. We met up with M-Joy and had a nice dinner together. M-Joy even gave her approval of him, proving that I am indeed not a bad boyfriend picker outer nor an all around bad judge of character.

Afterwards Christopher and I snuggled on his couch under his childhood blanket. I was high from the evening and was contemplating that maybe I do love him. I even contemplated telling him so. I knew I wasn't ready, so instead I opened my mouth and invited him to Thanksgiving with my mother and me.

And Christopher said something so insensitive that I cried as soon as I got in my car to drive home.

I know Christopher, and I know he has a tendency to say things harsher than he means them. As Breeza commented before, he has no tact. Deep down, I know he didn't mean what he said, but it didn't stop the words from cutting me down and leaving me to question things.

On the teary drive home, I ended up blaming the blog. Maybe I am investing more than he is. Maybe this is the problem with having a blog dedicated to one aspect of my life. I dedicate too much time thinking about him and how to word out the small details of my love life. Maybe I wouldn't feel the same way if I didn't write.

But then I think about how he acted after he said what he did. He brushed my hair out of my eyes. He told me that I looked cute wearing the scarf I knitted last winter. When my face flushed (out of sheer horror over what he said), he held the back of his hand to my face and asked if I was feeling okay. He asked me to spend the night. He held me. Told me my hair smelled good. He tickled his fingers in mine. So I know I'm not romanticizing how he feels about me, because I know he feels about me. I know it like it's real and tangible. It's a truth.

But I'm still left feeling confused.

13 comments:

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

I dunno about the blog, maybe you're right. When I think about how many posts I've written about Rami and my feelings towards him .. maybe the blog didn't help. Well, it helped me get other peoples' opinions and advice.. and it helped me get it off my chest. I think overall the blog seems like it's been a good thing for you too. And Christopher's feelings .. you aren't imagining them, they aren't JUST in your head.

Jaclyn said...

Have you considered making your blog private if you are worried about him finding it? I have no idea if the blog is making you obsessively analyze Christopher (I would do this when dating w/o a blog, plus coming off a tough relationship you might be extra cautious) but if you are right about the blog hurting you you should stop. We'd miss you, but wish you all the best and want to support you in your journey to happiness.

Sarah said...

Me stop obsessively analyzing? Never!

Anonymous said...

I hope your writing helps you sort thru your thoughts. It's touching and true.

Breeza said...

Maybe do make it private? Or password posts about C? Do what feels best for you though.

nicole said...

as much as i absolutely love following your life and seeing you overcome your struggles, i agree with the pp about making your blog private. it is a very good idea, especially given the circumstances with scott. i would only hope that you might consider letting blog stalkers (like me ;) hehe) subscribe so we could keep reading about your accomplishments in life. =)

gekkogirl said...

I agree that the blog has seemed good. There must be one place where thoughts can be recorded that is safe, right?

You can control it by password protecting it but ultimately Sarah if it is hurting you too much then shut it down...only as long as u promise to keep in touch some other way ;-)

Xx

Sarah said...

Thanks for all the wonderful comments, but I don't think I could ever shut down or remove my blog. I'm attached to it like an old boyfriend's sweatshirt. I was thinking of maybe expanding the topics so I didn't feel I had to write about one thing.

gekkogirl said...

Actually you know what I think that sounds like the best plan. You can be more of you on here without feeling compromised about Christopher because the topic is always the same.
... and we get to hear more about your life too :) x

Arwen said...

Sarah - I agree that I would be very sad if you were to go away and that it would be really neat if we could hear more about your life. The awesome thing about blogs is that they are what you make them. So, you've been writing about relationships on here from the beginning...but that doesn't mean it always needs to be that way. Writing about new topics likes like a great solution and then you will be less likely to spend soooo much time thinking about each step of your relationship with Christopher. Whatever you choose, make it a choice for YOU. It's your place to vent and to talk and to breathe...make sure it stays comfortable and easy for you!

Croaker said...

Blogs are always double edged. When I look through my stats and see who is reading I shudder. It seems like it is always the wrong people.

Maybe you should have called him out on the comment, instead of letting it bother you so.

AmyB said...

I don't want to be selfish here, so I guess I just ask you this: In retrospect, are you glad you wrote about Scott as you did? Did you learn from it and glean better understanding being able to go back and re-read the things you said as they were occurring in your life? If so, I would advise you to keep writing about your relationship now. I also think it's helpful to read the perspective of your commenters, especially when you might be acting out of turn. We care about and worry for you, just as if you were our friend in real life. There is value in that. I find myself writing about things a little after the fact, as opposed to during. Maybe you could try to give yourself a little time to absorb the things that happen with Christopher before writing about them, so they seem more like an afterthought and not like you are asking for our advice...that might help you to change perspective a little. Either way, I very much enjoy your writings! I'm so sorry your feelings were hurt re: Thanksgiving...I wouldn't be afraid to delve further with C about what he said...sounds like he hit a chord. Good luck!

dont eat the token said...

At some point perhaps you could tell Christopher that you have a blog, but it's private and you have good internet friends? Jukebox is understanding like this, but of course it's a delicate subject... I like that you suggested writing about more topics so you don't feel like it's all about him. Plus, you love writing, it's good therapy and relaxation for you :)

 

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