I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about things. I have to end it; there is no other outcome. And of course Christopher senses it, or the Universe senses it, because all of a sudden Christopher has started calling me every day. The same time every day before I go to bed, like clockwork. And then last night he sent me a text saying he misses me.
Son of a bitch. I have been waiting the last 10 months for that from him. All the times I went out of town and all the weeks where we didn't see each other, I have been waiting for something, anything from him that proves he has some kind of emotion. That proves I mean something to him. And the minute I deem him a lost cause, he does it.
But a text isn't enough. He still does't love me. He still hasn't made any sort of effort like getting behind the wheel for me. I am a pretty low maintenance person. I didn't complain one bit when we took the city bus in the rain to my birthday party, nor when he didn't figure out the right stop so we had all these extra blocks to walk. In the rain. (There is a whole lot else to this story that I can't bear to write until after I pulled the trigger and end things.)
I purposely didn't see him this weekend. It actually wasn't that hard since he never actually called and invited me to do anything. Friday night around 10 he started to call, Saturday around 8 pm, and Sunday around 7:30. I ignored all of those calls, but even if they were invites, he waits until date night has already started to see what I am doing.
I saw my friends on Sunday. They are extremely angry with him (goes back to earlier story I can't talk about yet). Harvey spat that he was a piece of shit with the same intensity that she spoke about S. The boys in the group, who I can't even really consider my friends, all told me that they think he is an asshole. M-Joy and her date are still indignant about the bus episode, but really, that was the least of my problems on my birthday. Like I said, there is no other outcome.
He's not a bad person; he just isn't right for me. Except for S, all of my boyfriends have dumped me. I have never been in this position before. This breakup will be a defining moment for me. It will come from a place of strength.
It's still sad though. Regardless of all else, there is a bond. He is a good pal. A buddy. Just not boyfriend. I'm being a weenie about it because I have made up my mind and haven't yet done anything about it.
So, normal people, any advice on ending things?
12:16 PM
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17 comments:
A simple, "I'm not happy with the way things are, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I need to focus on me for awhile, on my needs," should suffice. If he wants specifics, you can tell him that you are looking for more in a relationship than what is being offered, and that it's not necessarily a reflection on him, but on you finally taking charge of your own happiness.
Re: friendship. It's probably best that you try to avoid contact with one another for several months, and then try to establish a legitimate friendship. You never know when a lonely mood will hit and have you rethinking your decision to do what is truly the best thing for you. And usually, with a break up, one person maintains a friendship in the hopes of a reconciliation, so both parties should have time to digest and get over their change in relationship status.
This will suck, but it's the best thing for you. You know this. It's like cutting out a bad habit -you still have cravings, but you know that you did the right thing and will be better off for it.
If you're asking for advice on what to SAY to end it, I think you already said it here:
"He is a good pal. A buddy. Just not boyfriend."
That's all that you should have to say.
And I think that what freckledk said Re: friendship is good advice.
Freckled said it nicely. I'd have a drink before so as not to loose my nerve. Good luck. I think you are doing the right thing at the right time for him.
And further to my previous comment, which goes without saying but still should have been said:
I'm sorry that things didn't work out between the two of you, but you WILL find the perfect guy for you. You will. It took me until I was 39.
Friendship never really works. Just make peace with that now. Maybe in a year or so, but right now it won't work.
Bandaid approach. And I disagree with Freckledm. Don't make it about you in the sense of "I want to focus on me". :)
We hate when guys do that to us, right?
Just say what you think. This isn't working for me. You are a great pal, but our relationship isn't heading in any direction and I am done. :)
Ok. Not like that, but along those lines.
On the flipside, the entire "it's not you, it's me" does make it easy to get out of something.
I believe you have the courage and strength to say whatever you need to make the break.
you are vibrant and he's blocking your rays!
I'm going to take a gander and say that really? He already knows. He seems smart enough to know this is coming. Just do it in a way that doesn't cause confusions or hopes that you might double back. I've done that a couple times in the past and it just sucks to have to do it more than once. Stand your ground, be polite but attached, and don't say, "It's not you; it's me..." because we all know that's not true. You're the rockstar here! :o)
Er...I meant be DEtached. It's clearly Monday!
Open and honest is the way to go. Own your feelings by saying "I feel this way because of XYZ" instead of using the "you made me feel like..." so he doesn't get the opportunity to look for errors in your statement and hold it against you.
You are a strong woman. You can do it. You need to do it, for you.
Good luck!
I wish I had some stellar device.
Breaking up is hard to do. No one likes to hurt anyone else intentionally.
freckledk's advice seems plausible and doable. I would add if you do go into details and C starts to be all "I can do that, I can change" stick to your guns. Reiterate your need to focus on yourself for awhile and mention that you have no regrets about being with him. It's just not right.
OH and DON'T have this conversation at your place. Apparently this shouldn't be hard as he never leaves his apartment.
Good luck!
OMG, that made me laugh!
You will know what the time is right. Do it when it feels right for you and don't do it in a moment of some flash of emotion. I myself have had this talk recently with my husband. I made up my mind months ago and finally had the conversation with him a couple weeks ago. It's not easy, I've only dumped one other person in my whole life too but there is a sense of peace about it, to know that you are strong enough to say this isn't right for me, no more. Good luck with it! :)
freckledk already gave you the advise that I would have thrown out there. If I have learned anything from my most recent break-up (which is a very very different situation) it is to be clear on that this is the end, do not leave the door open cause they will just walk right back in. If you want to be friends with him, which in this case is plausible, you need to first have space to get over the relationship stuff. Friendship should come later. Good luck and know that you have your own little cheering section behind you.
Tell the truth.
Hold your head up.
Don't give in the (inevitable) begging.
Be happy.
Nuttycow said what I was going to say. You can do this, Sarah! You're strong and incredible and you deserve all those things that you want.
I agree with freckledk - she said it perfectly. And Julie as well - do it someplace where you can get away if he decides to put any resistance. Good luck. xx.
It's strange being on the other side of the fence, right? I hope this comes out right but good for you!
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