~Monday, June 14, 2010

Zero

I have this recurring nightmare that I'm living in a new apartment, sometimes the one I live in now, and I'm still with S, or back with S. We're fighting. We're screaming. And my main concern is how to get this boy out of my apartment.

He folds his arms in defiance. "I'm not leaving because I don't have enough money to move out," he pouts. "It's going to take me two or three months to save up the money." But I know it's not going to take two or three months. I know this is a permanent arrangement because why would S ever move out on his own when he can leach off of someone else?

But this is my apartment, with my name on the lease. He actually doesn't have a right to be here, but he still won't leave. It makes me think back to real life when I had that stupid fight with that stupid apartment manager who forced me to put S's name on my lease. That's where it all went wrong. Because he now had a right to be in my apartment, S lied to me and broke his lease so he could invade my space. It all just makes me so angry.

In the latest version of this dream, I catch him doing drugs in my bathroom. I call the police to come arrest him, even though the drugs are in my apartment and I could be held liable as well. The police bang on the door and I'm screaming at S. They break in my apartment as S eats the drugs. I want him gone so desperately that I climb on him and pick remnants out of his teeth to show the police the evidence.

Only the police don't know me. They don't know that I'm different from S. So when they draw their guns, they are pointing at me too. I'm crazy and I'm screaming at S and the police about the drugs. S is threatening to kill me and I know he means it now because I've gotten him in trouble.

While the guns were still aimed on me, I awake covered in cold sweat. These dreams take hours for me to overcome. It takes me several minutes to realize I'm in my own apartment and S is gone and he's not sleeping on my couch. It still ruins my whole morning while I process the feelings. It's just awful.

Maybe it was a good thing that Christopher was my first boyfriend after S. Because even though he wasn't good, he wasn't bad either. He was a zero, a scratch. And he leaves me with exactly that. Zero. Despite the dreams, I'm no longer so afraid and so damaged by S. I'm not in the negatives any longer. I'm at zero. And it's a good thing.

11 comments:

nuttycow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nuttycow said...

You're *at* zero but you're not *a* zero. That's a really important distinction. The only way is up :)

Sorry to hear about the nightmares. Even when you wake up and know they're not real, it's still scary.

Hope you get a better night sleep soon.

Bathwater said...

wow that is terrible, I have not had such dreams about one person for years but I remember the type.

This is one time when being at start (not zero) is a good thing.

Lpeg said...

Wow, just reading about that dream scares the crap out of me. I've had one or two dreams where I think they are real, someone breaking in, and I wake up, still freaked out, and not being able to go back to sleep. But none that compare to those.

I'm glad you feel you are back at zero - it's a good place to go, no longer in the negative, and only able to move forward from here.

soupemes said...

How strange that I posted today about how a nightmare impacted on me and shook me up for the whole day. Different content, but I understand the feelings you're left with afterwards.

I agree with the other commenters. This is the starting point and you'll find that every step you take from here will be a step forwards and upwards. I hope the act of typing out that you are no longer in a negative place helps cement that within.

x

gekkogirl said...

Yep.

I hope the dream drama's stop soon and I also hope that every day you feel stronger and in the pluses.

cornflakegirl74 said...

I've been dealing with this myself a bit lately. The nightmare, the sweats, the feeling that THAT one was entirely too realistic.

It gets better though. I'm glad you're realizing that life will bounce back and that you can only rebuild from here on in.

http://mypixieblog.com

dont eat the token said...

Those dreams sound really stressful! I'm so sorry... I'm sure it's something you're still working out in your mind and eventually they'll go away...

I'm getting somewhere interesting in my dreams. Just in case you're curious I'll email you a little note about that.

Hang in there!

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Good, zero is good :) Hope the nightmares end soon though ! Can't wait to hear about your future adventures.. it's definitely gonna go up from here !

Paige Jennifer said...

It may be zero but it's moving forward. And moving forward is always better than moving backward. Go you!

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