~Thursday, October 14, 2010

Separation Anxiety

Kickball went better this week. We still lost, but this time it was only by 4 runs, so a win actually felt obtainable for a few innings. Yours truly bunted and got on base for the first time ever. At first base, I jumped up and down and cheered for myself. At every base, I told the baseman, "Hey, this is my first time here." Schmoozer was playing third-base running coach.

"If the ball pops up in the air, stay on the base to see if it's caught or not. If it's a ground ball, just take off running," he instructed me.

I kept my left foot on the base and crouched low.

"Two outs!" the referee shouted.

I looked back to Schmoozer. "Two outs? That means run on anything, right?"


The kicker popped the ball into the air and I took off running for home base. Behind me I could hear Schmoozer shouting, "No! Come back!" He obviously forgot the run-on-anything rule. The outfielder dropped the ball and I crossed home plate. I had scored my first run.


No one wanted to go to the bar after the game because we had just spent the weekend drinking our weight in beer at Jenna's lake house. I was feeling fine despite a cough I developed from skinny dipping in October. I actually only had three beers on Saturday because I didn't want to be hung over and puking in the kickball field. But Schmoozer wanted to go to the bar, so did the other guy on our team that I don't really care for. I agreed to go with them.

We sat with the two other teams that were present at the bar. Each team had about three representatives. Every team complimented me, saying they noticed how much better I have been getting at kickball. Schmoozer sat next to me and we split a pitcher of beer. But this time, things were different. There was no flirting outside of the friend's zone. Being from the Midwest, he said he wanted to go through a corn maze which I didn't even know we had until I saw a few advertisements this fall. But he was very clear he wanted it to be a group thing. As in my group of friends.

This is a problem I continually run into. I know firsthand how fabulous my group of friends is and how great it is to be a member of the inner circle. During the game, Schmoozer was regaled with stories of the lake: the skinny dipping, the hot tubbing, the speed boating and tubing and the beer mustaches. Who wouldn't want to be invited to a weekend like that? Then he heard that we were going to miss the kickball game in a couple of weeks because we're driving down to Florida for the world's largest outdoor cocktail party: the UGA/FL football game. He heard the stories and he wants in. Which means he doesn't want me.

This isn't the first time this has happened. Through a series of events, I learned that 5k Guy wanted in our group. He used my list of 30 things to do before 30 as a means to get involved with the group. He sent me an e-mail on the 4th of July for me to pick out a 5k that he and my friends could all run together. I took that to mean he wanted to do the 5k with me, but in reality he wanted to do it with Harvey and Katie and everyone else. Same for the whitewater rafting trip and zipline that he also said he was interested in.

Christopher did the same thing by flirting with Katie last Thanksgiving.

Jack, a boy I dated back in 2007, was more excited about spending time with Helen, my tall and extremely beautiful friend who could pass as a model, than with me.

So what's the solution? When I do finally meet some guy that I like, do I keep him from meeting my friends for as long as I can? Schmoozer is not guilty of this like the others, but how do I keep myself from being a pawn? The sucky part is, I feel like my group of fabulous friends is something I have to offer in a relationship: it's my social life keeping me from becoming needy and clingy, it's a built-in calendar with fun activities in which he can participate, and it's always fun people having a fun time.

How do I keep the greatness of my friends from overshadowing my own greatness?


Bathwater said...

Wow I have never heard of this, "I don't want to date you, I want to date your group of friends" phenomena. I'd suggest getting a smaller unappealing group of friends but I doubt that will happen.

Or only introduce your guy friends. Anyone who doesn't want you first and foremost isn't worth the time either way.

Curvy Jones said...

I think you meet him separate from your friends. And you keep him from your friends until there's obviously something strong... I can't name a guy I've dated that has met my friends... that's kind of sacred.

Sarah said...

Bath, I know the ultimate answer is anyone who wants my friends over me isn't worth my time. I get that. Doesn't stop it from sucking though. I'd like to be the awesome one for once.

Curvy, Yep, I think that's the way it's going to be for now on.

Paige Jennifer said...

It's rare I so readily mingle friends and suitors unless it involves a suitor who isn't local. Because sometimes you have to double up on things. I'm with Curvy on this one.

prettylittletangents said...

I echo all the previous commenters - wait on the introduction. Of course you're going to have fabulous friends - they are an extension of you. It's not like you're going to hang around with a bunch of assholes!

And who knows? Maybe Kickball Guy just wanted to get lost with you in the corn maze. (I also have never heard of this maze phenomenon until this year!)

Lpeg said...

I agree with everyone, as well. I've had that happen several times, and you're right - not worth your time if that's the way it's going to be... but it still sucks.

I got to the point where I waited a while before ever introducing suitors to my best friend. I even told my fear to an old boyfriend, and once he had met her, he told me that there was no way that if he was into me that he would date her, as we are such different people.

I'm sorry - this situation totally sucks!

J said...

Yup, we are twins yet again! I had one ex say to me once in a post break up conversation that he missed hanging out with my friends. And I also suspect that a more recent guy feels the same way. It sucks.

soupemes said...

The Designer and I have been together eight months and meeting friendship groups is probably still a way off. He's met my best mate one-on-one for lunch and the other girl I used to consider a close second. I've met his sister who is his best friend, his housemate (who is her ex and his friend of a couple of years) and her housemate/best mate (who happens to be The Designer's ex and friend from childhood).

We haven't really shared friend circles -and at 8 months in, that's beginning to bother me - is he ashamed of me? Why doesn't he want to show me off?

But by the same token, I know that he and I have a strong relationship the two of us and he's not going to fall in love with my mates in a way that leads them to outshine me.

There's nothign wrong in holding that side of you back while you develop a relationship with a new partner. Let them earn their way into your full life.

Googlover/keishua said...

Your friends must be awesome but if he just wants to date them that's strange. Taking it slow may be a good idea.

nuttycow said...

Just because he wants to get to know your friends better, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to get to know you better too. In fact, he may be using your friends as an excuse to get to spend more time with you.

bonda84 said...

Hmmmm....I say keep an open mind with this. He may not be only interested in just becoming part of your group. He may want to be part of your group and it gives him a chance to get to know you better. It's amazing the places you'll find yourself if you keep an open mind.

Although I do have to admit it is a bit of a conundrum the experiences you've had in the past due to guys wanting to be part of the group. My answer to this is, maybe the right fella hasn't come along yet. That's such an insightful and uplifting hypothesis huh? :p Hakuna Matata

David said...

Are you THAT insecure? Holy sh** woman, stop trying so hard and analyzing everything to death. You're thinking about marriage on a first date (as in MAYBE being your last). Guys can smell desperation and it's all over this blog. Sorry, but it's true. Maybe they just want to have fun and in that PROCESS get to know you or maybe one of them. Who cares? If it's meant to be it will be. You sound like a complete control freak. You DO have a lot to offer. When you stop looking, you will find it.

jo said...

dang with such a group of friends, i would want in too :P i would suggest getting to know a new guy and hanging out with him for a while first before introducing to your friends. i rarely introduce my friends to just any guy unless his boyfriend potential if off the charts.

D said...

I gave out my card to a guy on thursday night and he managed to not only, NOT email me but find my friend's email and facebook HER the next day. I shrugged it off and assumed he must like blondes over brunettes. Also, he was about 5'7 so I figured she can have him.
it sucks but it happens.

Anonymous said...

When you meet the next guy with potential that you would like to date introduce him to your friends once he's introduced you to his. That should be an indicator that "he's into you" rather than being into your friends. Not always easy to follow this through but give it a go.

cornflakegirl74 said...

You have so much more to offer than just a built-in social calendar. Sure, the group sounds like fun and who wouldn't want in on something like that but you have to realize your own worth and how wonderful of a person you are. You are a reflection of the people you associate yourself with so it's no wonder your fabulous friends want you in the group.

Having said all that, don't let events of the past discourage you. So you met the wrong boys. You will find someone who appreciates you for YOU. And I gotta' say: from reading your blog these last few months, I can tell you seem like a really fun girl and someone I'd love to hang out with. Guys will find that irresistable so don't be so hard on yourself.

Anonymous said...

Tricky stuff, I have had somewhat similar experiences back when I was part of a really wild half naked crowd.

I am thinking what Curvy said... as well as be sure to talk about you more than wild stuff you and your friends have done. :)



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