So there is this guy on the Bachelorette right now... and my coworker dated him in college. She hasn't spoken to him in years, but she doesn't think he is 100% on the show for Ali.
~Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Love, Sarah at 12:23 PM|
~Thursday, June 24, 2010
Love, Sarah at 2:15 PM|
~Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Love, Sarah at 5:00 PM|
~Monday, June 14, 2010
I have this recurring nightmare that I'm living in a new apartment, sometimes the one I live in now, and I'm still with S, or back with S. We're fighting. We're screaming. And my main concern is how to get this boy out of my apartment.
He folds his arms in defiance. "I'm not leaving because I don't have enough money to move out," he pouts. "It's going to take me two or three months to save up the money." But I know it's not going to take two or three months. I know this is a permanent arrangement because why would S ever move out on his own when he can leach off of someone else?
But this is my apartment, with my name on the lease. He actually doesn't have a right to be here, but he still won't leave. It makes me think back to real life when I had that stupid fight with that stupid apartment manager who forced me to put S's name on my lease. That's where it all went wrong. Because he now had a right to be in my apartment, S lied to me and broke his lease so he could invade my space. It all just makes me so angry.
In the latest version of this dream, I catch him doing drugs in my bathroom. I call the police to come arrest him, even though the drugs are in my apartment and I could be held liable as well. The police bang on the door and I'm screaming at S. They break in my apartment as S eats the drugs. I want him gone so desperately that I climb on him and pick remnants out of his teeth to show the police the evidence.
Only the police don't know me. They don't know that I'm different from S. So when they draw their guns, they are pointing at me too. I'm crazy and I'm screaming at S and the police about the drugs. S is threatening to kill me and I know he means it now because I've gotten him in trouble.
While the guns were still aimed on me, I awake covered in cold sweat. These dreams take hours for me to overcome. It takes me several minutes to realize I'm in my own apartment and S is gone and he's not sleeping on my couch. It still ruins my whole morning while I process the feelings. It's just awful.
Maybe it was a good thing that Christopher was my first boyfriend after S. Because even though he wasn't good, he wasn't bad either. He was a zero, a scratch. And he leaves me with exactly that. Zero. Despite the dreams, I'm no longer so afraid and so damaged by S. I'm not in the negatives any longer. I'm at zero. And it's a good thing.
Love, Sarah at 11:41 AM|
~Tuesday, June 08, 2010
I was watching Change Your Brain, Change Your Life on PBS last week. I know, single me is thrilling. Anyway, Dr. Amen is going through all the different brain types. He says there are compulsive brains, impulsive brains and for the mack daddy of neuroses, compulsive-impulsive brains. He lists the types and the characteristics. When he described the compulsive brain, I knew instantly that was me by the flip-flops my stomach turned. Compulsive brains get stuck on one thought until they become over-focused. These are some of the other not-so-flattering characteristics:
Excessive or senseless worrying; being upset when things do not go your way; being upset when things are out of place; tendency to be oppositional or argumentative; tendency to have repetitive negative thoughts; tendency toward compulsive behaviors; intense dislike of change; tendency to hold grudges; trouble shifting attention from subject to subject; trouble shifting behavior from task to task; difficulties seeing options in situations; tendency to hold on to own opinion and not listen to others; tendency to get locked into a course of action, whether or not it is good; being very upset unless things are done a certain way; perception by others that you worry too much; tendency to say no without first thinking about question; and tendency to predict negative outcomes.
It was like Dr. Amen saw the things within me that I try to hide from even my closest friends. Every now and then I'll feel brave enough to try to explain my thought patterns to one of my friends and she'll just look at me without the slightest comprehension. My friends, obviously, do not have compulsive brains.
Having a compulsive brain has benefited me in many ways. Like when I was tired of being unprepared for the future, I went to the library and checked out about 20 books on finance, read them all and followed the steps and opened the necessary accounts and then I lived on $10 a day for about a year to fund those accounts. Having a one-tracked mind kept me focused (to the point of obsession), but it enabled me to succeed.
The same thing happened after I left S and started a new job in a new industry in which I had no previous experience. A lot of reading and a lot of work hours coupled with my strive for perfection made me a necessary asset to my company, at which I've done very well. Compulsive behavior wins again.
I'm also compulsive with my knitting, but for very different reasons. I am a yarn-aholic and have begun hiding yarn from my sight in my one-bedroom apartment. It was fine when it fit in a chest; and then a chest and a basket; and then a chest, a basket and then the laundry room. Now we are approaching on chest, basket, laundry room and hidden-box-under-the-bed territory. My mind is again stuck. Boyfriends have asked me why I love knitting so much to the point that I have to do it for hours every day, and I would just shrug and say, "it quietens my mind." I never realized how true that statement was. Because when I'm knitting, I'm not thinking about my stock choices or my wording choices at work or my many boy problems. I'm not thinking at all.
Do you know how exhausting it is being me? Having a thought pattern that works like a runaway train stuck on a mouse wheel? Running 100 miles an hour but never goes anywhere? Oftentimes I feel like a skipping record and would just wish for someone to come up to me and slap me on the side of the head just to get my thoughts to move forward. I once told a person I didn't want to believe in heaven, because if that's the case, then I'm stuck my thoughts for eternity.
Because having a compulsive brain also means that when it switches gears to boys, I obsess. I will review every detail forwards and backwards and sideways and unilaterally. And this isn't the cute, healthy compulsion that funded my Roth IRA; this is the damaging compulsion that makes me unattractive to men.
But wait! Dr. Amen is a doctor! And he has the fix-it solution to quieten my mind without making me the weird yarn lady or the Prozac popper. He has a list of foods to eat and supplements to take, so I am going to try it out.
It explains why I feel the need to write out my feelings on here, when you may think I am still thinking about things I shouldn't be. It's just the way I think. It is how my brain operates. I feel the need to reminisce every gory detail and disgusting action that happened in my previously relationships because I have a hard time letting go and turning my mind elsewhere. The characteristic of repeating negative thoughts could not be more spot on. When I am told how I should feel or what I should feel, I will take it and run with it. But I feel myself getting better. I am learning to love myself for the first time in my life, and I'm not going to let that derail my progress to the point that I am once again the midst of some shame spiral where I'm hating myself for not being as far as I want to be, or where you think I should be.
Today I thought about boys less than I did yesterday. Today is a good day to me.
Love, Sarah at 11:21 AM|
~Saturday, June 05, 2010
I'm single and stagnant and just stubborn enough to not want to put any effort towards any guys right now.
That doesn't bode well for a relationship blog.
I'll be back when I have a story to tell. Not a long or permanent hiatus, just posting from here on out may be a little more sporadic.
Love, Sarah at 11:08 PM|