~Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I've got nothing going on right now. No crushes, no gentlemen upon which to shower my flirtations. Nothing. Nada. Zip.


I've seen Nameless Teammate around a few times. I pretend he doesn't exist and he returns the favor. I'm okay with that arrangement. But I did see him out at the bar Friday night. He was wearing pajama pants. At the bar. On a Friday night. I quickly admonished myself for ever taking to heart what he said to me.


Statham has somehow resurfaced. We were both at Screen on the Green a couple of weeks ago and he laid his blanket down in front of mine. He turned around and said hello. I was shocked he spoke to me. He had fallen so far off my radar that I forgot he even existed and that we had shared the sex.

He started showing up on my Facebook profile. This isn't an exact science, but the people who tend to show up on the top of my friends list on my profile page are the people with whom I most often interact. Then one day his tiny head appeared in that list and remained there for weeks, which I can only deduce that he's been active on my page.

And then the e-mails started. He wants to go running with me. I turned him down. He invited me again. I turned him down again. Then he made a Facebook event to go running and I respond with maybe, to which I get another e-mail inquiring about my maybe followed by this: ...but I see you're going to [Statham's good friend's] party the night before.... Dude knows my whereabouts.

Saturday night, I was standing in his good friend's kitchen when this text came through: Hi! Looking forward to running tomorrow...  His (ex)girlfriend was standing not 10 feet from me. (Incidentally, I hadn't seen them out at the same time in about a month.)

When I got home, I unzipped my romper and stared at my phone incredulously. Statham treated me like garbage. Had he somehow suffered an aneurysm and forgotten? I hadn't. I began typing.

I'm really tired and am looking forward to getting a good night's sleep. Count me out tomorrow morning.


Conor began texting me out of the blue one night. I hadn't heard from my old friend/ex in 9 months. At the end of the conversation, he reiterated that I was the best he ever had. Yup, some things never change.


With the absence of boys to flirt with and the hiatus between kickball seasons, I began filling my calendar elsewhere. I dropped in a boot camp one morning. I picked running back up again. I went tubing down the river. I tried out a CrossFit class. I joined the circus for an evening and learned to walk across a tightrope, shimmy up a Spanish web and swing on a trapeze.

While I learned that I have the right attitude and am willing to take myself out of my comfort zone, I also learned that I am not athletically talented. The boot camp instructor saw the color of my face and asked me if I felt light-headed and would I like to sit out the next exercise. "Just because we're hollering at you doesn't mean you have to do it," she told me. I must have really looked a mess. On the trapeze, I was the only person to fall off while hanging upside down.

Sports have taught me the art of forgiveness. Every day I have to forgive myself for not being as good as I want to be. It's okay that I can't do the 21/15/9 push ups. I have to start at whatever I can do and improve upon that. Every day. Forgive myself every day and try to do better every day.

It makes me wonder in what other areas of my life do I need to forgive myself.


Anonymous said...

As far as exes resurfacing and feeling the need to tell you you were "the best" for one reason or another, I recently realized every single long-term ex I've had has done just THAT. Unfortunately, I'm way over them and the relationship by the time they come to this realization and don't give second chances... to which they all reply, "You'll make someone very happy one day." Then as far as new guys I date, I get the "You seem too good to be true" line. Hmm... I wonder what's going on here and why I can't hold down a stable relationship for the long haul if I'm so great?!?

j said...

Ah the memory loss that they acted like a d-bag. It must be some sort of illness that guys suffer from cause I have experienced many cases of it.

I love love all the activities you have been doing. I have been jealous, wishing we had that cool stuff in my small city.

j said...

Thar was me j from http://propertyofj.wordpress.com/...I didn't get my url in that last post...

Breeza said...

That's hilarious than NT wore pajama pants to the bar. What a nerd.

Good for you for not replying to Statham's efforts to hang out!

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

You should stop talking to Statham all together, he sounds like a fucking loser.

I like sports or sporty activities for that reason. Sure, I may suck at first, but give it a few times and I'll be the one left standing.

I get a secret lift when ex's contact me. Yes, I was the best you'll ever have and I never want you to forget it. Now carry on with your pitiful and unfulfilled sex life you foolish little man.

bluemoon said...

I'm with Je m'appelle Danielle-I get a rush from that, especially knowing that I don't give a damn anymore.

I also agree on the stop talking to Statham rec, but I do know it's much easier to just say these things than do them.

Maura said...

He didn't forget that he's a douchey asshole, he just thinks its okay and forgiveable. He knows what a dick he is, and every time you blow him off, he's reminded of it, whether he admits it or not. So, keep reminding him, k?

Also be proud of yourself for tackling new adventures. Maybe you're not making your debut in London next summer...but you're facing the unknown and gettin' a workout all at the same time. Be proud of yourself Mama. I am.

Anonymous said...

We all have to forgive ourselves sometimes because we all eff things up & make poor choices. Good for you for recognizing your own flaws, owning them, forgiving yourself, and moving on. Welcome to 30.


Angela said...

"He knows what a dick he is, and every time you blow him off, he's reminded of it, whether he admits it or not. So, keep reminding him, k?"

That made me chuckle. :)

This post almost makes me wish that I hadn't pushed someone away, to make sure that he would never contact me again. I could use the boost right now, that I used to feel when he would return (before he really screwed up and hurt me).

Northern lass said...

I love the 'forgive yourself' mantra. Man, that's genius!

I need to heed those words especially with fitness. I beat myself up all the time about not being able to run further or faster or complete a circuit without stopping.

Thanks for this, yet again you've inspired me to get back out and pound the trails...right after this cold clears up x

Anonymous said...

Dear Sarah,

Forgive yourself in all areas of your life. You are your own worst judge, as we all are with ourselves.

Oh dumb ass Statham. He reminds me of someone I dated. This dude wanted me. I gave in (aka had sex with him). After I gave in, he wanted nothing to do with me. So, I would ignore him, and he would want me, I would give in...This went on for two years. At least you have enough brains to cut this off right here and now. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

where's the therapy group we can chat in person because seriously...i may only be a couple years older but i feel in exactly the same spot.

freckledk said...

I am so friggin proud of you for focusing on yourself and not a bunch of asshat also-rans. So so proud. You're making your life YOUR life, and it's a very good thing. Keep at it, Love!

Simm said...

Good for you, athletics and burning calories feels the best because you are doing something for you. Forgiving yourself is the hardest part of it all.

Write down positive affirmations and keep them handy. Works for me, as I always tended to see the negative parts in life until I changed my thinking ...

treacle said...

Just :-)

HiBridThinker said...

I am with treacle. Keep smiling.

I am not an authority on exs (lucky I know) but I would say that you should focus on you. I know it is a cliché but it is their loss. They don't get to have you. To share you and experience all that you can give. It might be helpful to associate the word "muppet" with these losers. "knob" may work equally well :)

In terms of fitness...unless you are actually in a race, don't compete againsts anyone other than yourself. There will always be some stronger, faster, more agile, less red faced than you. They come and go.

But funnily enough, you are an enduring feature in your life. For me, and double entrendres aside, its much more satisfying to beat myself. And if you don't manage it, as you rightly say, forgive yourself. There is always tomorrow. You'll be there....

Bathwater said...

Statham Is a loser his ex probably did give him the brush off now he is out trolling. Sounds to me like you have nothing to forgive.


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