~Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Enough

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
-- "Face Down" The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I heard my cell phone ring. But I was still hung over from the previous night with Lawyered and his fiancée, and the phone was alllllllll the way in the other room. I figured it was just Schmoozer trying to make plans for the night anyway. I let it go to voicemail.

A couple of hours later, I finally checked my phone. I didn't recognize the number. I listened to the voicemail. It was S' step-mom. I hadn't heard from her since January of this year when I avoided her calls. It had probably been a year before that when we last spoke.

She was calling because she had news; I knew that. The question was, did I want to hear it? My mother had received her Karma and I wanted to know mine. I was oddly unemotional. I could have deleted the message and walked away without a second thought. I couldn't have cared less what the news was.

I guess that means I'm finally over it. I read an article on forgiveness and it said that it takes most people about two years after the incident to be able to forgive. Like clockwork, it's been two years and a handful of months since I moved out while he was at work. I did it in secret for my own safety. He returned home to an empty apartment with nothing in it but a couch, because that was all that he owned.

I nothing him. I'm no longer angry. I'm no longer sad. I can't look back at the happy times of the relationship because they were all lies. From start to finish. The only lingering feeling I have towards the entire situation is forgiving myself.

In the hot second I dated Statham, we were lying in bed naked. Despite being an athlete and in very good shape, he wasn't comfortable being exposed. Even though his body as a man was better than mine as a woman. He didn't like it when my fingertips ran across his flesh because it made him feel self-conscious.

"What's this scar?" I asked pointing to his upper arm. There was a very deep, very purple scar running from his armpit down the inside of his arm.

"It's a stretch mark from when I used to be fat," he responded, shifting his weight in unease.

I knew he used to be heavier. He had shown me pictures. To me, he never looked fat; he just didn't look like him. But the scar was a physical toll to symbolize the emotional one his weight took on him.

And that's how I feel. I have a very deep, very purple scar on my heart from when I used to be abused. It's no longer about S anymore. It's about me.

I returned his step-mom's call. Honestly, the only reason I did it is because the blog has been a little dry lately. I also empathize with the step-mom's position. I was able to leave the situation and make a clean break from him. She can't. She's married to the problem. She doesn't work and she spends her days in solitude as she waits for her husband to return home. She doesn't have a lot of people she can turn to so she can deal with the situation. That's why I think she calls me.

S was arrested again. For beating up his newest girlfriend. I know, the Internet just took a collective inhale of shock. He has hurt every single one of his girlfriends since me. He spent the 72 hours in lockup and was released. Just like last time.

"You know, I think there is a pattern," she told me. "He either loses his girlfriend or his job within the same week."

I snorted. Was that not obvious? After I left him, he showed up to work drunk/high and was fired. I can also assume that means he isn't working anymore either.

"And at a family gathering and he stole his father's wedding ring."

"Mmm-hmm." This isn't news. He pawned my shit too.

"We think he's back to drinking and doing drugs."

"He never stopped," I replied.

And while we were talking, he called her on the other line. She played me the message so I could commiserate with her. However, I was pissed off at her insensitivity to play me the voice of the person who had hurt me. She had saw it happen first-hand.

There was one night we were at their house for dinner. S wasn't supposed to be drinking, but he poured himself a glass of wine. No one wanted to start a fight with him, so everyone let him be. He got drunk and said awful things to me. And of course, because he was my boyfriend, he had to get in my car and ride back to the apartment.

We were a few miles outside of her house when we started shouting at each other. Then he pulled my emergency brake while I was driving down the street, causing me to fishtail in another lane. I screamed. He then grabbed me by the throat and began choking me against the driver's side window while I was still driving. I swerved into another lane. I was frightened. I frantically honked the horn, hoping someone would see my erratic driving and honking and call the police. He lunged at the wheel.

After he let go of me I stopped the car in the middle of the road, shaking and crying.

"I need to get out of here," I mumbled.

As I opened the driver's side door, he opened his and ran around to my side and grabbed my car keys. I didn't care. I didn't care. I left my car and my keys and my purse in the middle of the road and began running.

This was before I took up running, but I ran the entire distance to their house faster than every 5k I've ever completed. I rang their bell and beat on their door in complete hysterics.

They didn't need to go look for him. He drove my car like a bat out of hell back to the house. They tried to console me, telling me he's pulled that maneuver with a previous girlfriend. They scolded him. Then they told us it was time to go and they sent him home with me. A selfish part of them didn't want me to leave him, because as long as I was with him, he was my problem, not theirs.

When I heard his voice on her answering machine, I felt nothing. Whatever. It's just a voice. One I don't know.

Face down in the dirt, she said,
'This doesn't hurt.' She said,
'I've finally had enough.'

22 comments:

Dellers said...

Wow, look how far you have come since that day. I can only imagine the terror and fear that you lived through with him. I'm hugely proud of the person you've become. Such strength of character and huge emotional healing. Bravo missy x

imasugarjunkie said...

Wow - Im so happy that you have been able to move on from being that person and from that horrible situation.

Red Stethoscope said...

Oh my goodness, Sarah! I am SO happy that you are no longer in that situation. And, WHAT THE HELL with his parents sending him home with you that night? Your graciousness in calling his step-mother back shows a considerable amount of forgiveness and growth. I know that you wanted to hear what karma did, but seriously, I don't think I'd be able to call that woman back. I'm assuming that he'll be locked up for good in the near future, when he does something stupid(er) and his luck runs out.

J said...

I am so happy to hear that you've moved on from such a craptastic experience. No matter how much time has passed, it's really not easy to forgive- especially when you've been so egregiously wronged. So props to you, lady. Look where you are now, and look where he is. I think that says it all.

klynne said...

Sarah,

I thought my own experience was unique. I dated someone for three years, a very long time ago. He tried to choke me to death. Obviously, he did not. Long, story, so, I will not get in to it. It is amazing to me how many women have been subjected to domestic violence. A good friend of mine's daughter was murdered by her son-in-law. She is now raising her grandson. The story was broadcast on "Date Line". Her name was Julia Dawson. Go to Juliaalert.org is you want to see how her family is doing now. Hugs.

Northern Lass said...

xx

Anonymous said...

I haven't even read this post yet, but I read independence day, then understood your opening line on this post. That fucker! I will get back to my reading now.

-dont

Anonymous said...

y.u.c.k.

I agree, she was quite insensitive to play his voice for you. I'm glad it doesn't seem to have shaken you. I'm very happy he's history, save for that lonely woman. I like your reply, "he never stopped." We all lie to ourselves so much, that is great truth to just say something so simple.

You ended with amazing insight, that they selfishly let him leave with you, to be rid of their problem.

I went into complete shock over seeing just 1/2 the school photo from someone that I was abused by at 16. Just 1/2 the photo, now at 33, and I could smell him/his house. I could hear his voice in my head. That night I was in literal PTSD shock. It took me about five days to come out of it. I'm so glad you're not feeling this way about that f-face, and just sharing my story to show that we all get mired down by these experiences and it is SO liberating to fly away from them in the end. Kudos to your good work on you. xo

-dont

Me said...

Well, now that you did get some good info for the blog...that bitch of a woman who didn't really help you when you needed her needs to find someone else to comiserate with. She's an enabler. I can't believe she dare call you...I know you don't care anymore, which is good...but hope next time you just don't return the call ;)

freckledk said...

I was reading this and thinking, "There are some people in the world who should be euthanized."

As to the mom, you need to ask that she not contact you again - that you no longer wish to be involved in anything or anyone having to do with that bad, bad man. You've served your time, plus some.

Once again, I'm proud to see how far you've come.

Lpeg said...

And just reiterating what Kristin said yesterday: you are amazing. xx.

Simm said...

You are a strong, strong woman Sarah. Happiness is all you know now :)

Erin said...

You have come a really long way. I understand the step mom wanting to comiserate with you because technically it is not "her" problem either, he is not her blood, she just has to deal with his father. It seems to me, after also being an abusive relationship where the person's family did not give a shit/denied his behavior, that many families are in denial about other members. I'm glad you feel nothing. That is a good place to be.

creativintage said...

i admire you so damn much.

jess said...

As they say, the opposite of love isn't hate, rather indifference.

Good job Sarah :)

Nicole C. said...

I don't want this to sound condescending (sometimes it does when people say it to me but I analyze shit to the nth degree) but I am SO proud of you. You've come a long way!

Denise said...

Is it bad that when I was reading your post I was hoping his step-mom was calling to tell you he had OD'd?

Maura said...

You are a strong, strong woman. And I'm oh so proud of you.

Charlotte said...

Good GOD, girl. I don't even know what to say except that I am SO VERY RELIEVED you are out of that toxic relationship. That boy clearly needs help and his mom should really focus her attention on that instead of having you relive moments from when you were together.

I'm just glad that you feel absolutely nothing when listening to these voicemails and that hearing his name doesn't make you long to be back with him again. Good for you for walking out and never looking back. XOXO

Breeza said...

You have come so far and I'm so glad you're in a better place.

jo said...

i can't even begin to imagine what you went through. it's such a terrible thing. but i'm glad that you have moved on as well as you have and come out of it stronger.

bonda84 said...

As I read through this it felt like an emotional roller coaster...that ended on a good note of course. I went from anxious at the beginning, to scared/panicked in the middle, to calm and relieved at the end. I'm so proud of all of the progress you have made and honored that you've shared it with all of us.

 

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