~Thursday, August 01, 2013

Why He Disappeared

I read Why He Disappeared somewhere between Valdosta and Abraham. Actually, I think it was in the beginning months of Abraham. And I don't know whether it was because I was already in a good place mentally and emotionally or because I was already dating someone and happy with him, but this book made the biggest impact on the way I interacted with men. I read it with an open mind without looking to be saved. I guess I was just ready to receive the message.

And I was wary. The book is self-published, which usually means terrible writing with terrible, offensive humor. It is neither of those things. I found myself writing down passages that were revolutionary to me:

  • "There are plenty of times [in dating and previous relationships] when there's absolutely nothing to learn."
  • "It's easy to get stuck on how things should be. But we can't spend our time worrying about how things should be - all we can do is focus on how things are."
  • Regarding men taking you out on a date: they do the driving and the paying and the wooing. Other advice books say all you have to do it show up. Not true, says he. "We're putting on a show. The least you could do is applaud."
  • "For men, relationships are generally of the low-risk, medium-reward variety. It's not nearly as deep or meaningful as a lifetime partnership with a woman, but, then, it doesn't have to be."
  • "The only things that reveal how a man feels about you are time and effort."

And then, this game changer:

Because what's easy to forget in those moments of insecurity and annoyance, is that your boyfriend has chosen you above all others. And if he's dating you exclusively, he ultimately wants to please you. I swear. Men may be selfish and we may be clueless, but we don't like hurting you... You can avoid tons of conflict just by remembering that your boyfriend doesn't want to hurt you.

I don't know why this hit me so hard, but it did. It was one of those moments where I had to put the book down, stand up, and walk away to digest the information. I carried a lot of hurt around with me: getting dumped by my first love, getting dumped by the unimportant boy who spawned this blog, being hurt so mentally, physically, and emotionally by S. Boys were adversaries who had no problems knocking you down. To read something so simple as We're not out to hurt you. I swear, changed the way I normally would have interacted with Abraham to the way I did interact with Abraham.

Those weekends early on when he was busy, normally I would have screamed and cried and told him I wasn't a priority and therefore he didn't like me. I would have forcefully tried to change this pattern. But I instead treated him like he wasn't being busy just to hurt me. It wasn't always all about me. I treated him like he was busy because he had plans and he knew he'd see me another day. And we didn't fight. To this day, we never fight. I can count the number of times I raised my voice at him on one hand. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that Abraham makes things easy on me by being a thoughtful and caring and generous person. Like I said, it's not always about me.

I loved this book. The advice is simple, straightforward and full of common sense. No games. No waiting 90 days to "give the cookie." No refusing a date for the weekend after Wednesday. Just treat your man kindly. After all, you chose him.

To win a copy of this ebook, leave a comment!


Tiffany said...

Oh this sounds so good, Sarah! I love the idea that guys are not here to hurt you---I'm going to have to turn this into a mantra!


Mandy said...

Oooh! This sounds like something I need to read! :) I've read you for a really long time, but have never commented before!

Anonymous said...

Awesome advice! That last paragraph really hit home for me.

Mai said...

This is something that I do need to read :) As usual you nailed it right!

JBean said...

Wow this sounds like a great read from the snippets you included here!

Lpeg said...

That sounds like a great book. I might benefit from that!

sk said...

This would be perfect for a good friend of mine, who's re-entering the dating scene after avoiding it for a good year. Heartbreak can be a b*tch.

Anonymous said...

The parts you put in bold had me nodding my head. I would love to read this book.

Eleni Zoe said...

I would love to read this! With such a stunning endorsement from you. I'm putting my hat in the ring. :)

Msh3ll said...

I read a quote earlier this week that was pretty eye opening:

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
– Bob Marley

Wordsmith said...

I need this so bad!!

Sarah said...

If you haven't heard from me, email me!

Blog Deleted said...

So. New Blog? I keep checking in and nada. Do tell...

Sarah said...


Sabrina said...

I just came across this per my blog reader's suggestion, and I love it. I've read and re-read Why He Disappeared, it's a regular on my Kindle.

It's great to hear someone else who approached the book skeptically but ended up finding a few good tidbits - I too found that bolded passage somewhat "earth shattering."

As I deal with the the frequent disappearing acts that accompany dating, it's nice to hear that you finally found something amazing after so much heartbreak :)


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