He's a dick I tell you!

I hate to admit this, but I was too perplexed stupid to actually read the e-mail yesterday. I waited until I was alone and watched the clip. To my complete horror, I realize I had just been victimized by a stinging jellyfish e-mail. "Jellyfishers" are people who have this annoying talent as being able to insult you without actually insulting you. The sting comes from nowhere with no warning and you actually wonder if you have a right to be upset.

The clip in the e-mail accomplished just this. If we were still together, I'd take the e-mail as a joke. He and I often picked on each other, both of us being upperclass smartasses. But when you're broken up and haven't spoken to each other in a month and all of a sudden you get this e-mail that takes a dig at you- it's not funny, it's insulting.

I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt he did this intentionally- I know him better than he knows himself at times. I think he did it to get back at me for the comment that he alledges broke the proverbial camel's back. There were 2 responses I deliberated sending him: the first one reading, "Now we're even," and the second one reading, "how very hateful of you." I sent neither. I figured I'd respond when he has something to say- all he can do is jellyfish me over the internet, so it's not worth it. If I respond then he knows he got to me and I'm currently working the cold, distant, ice queen approach.

This doesn't mean I'm not pondering filling my public blog with fake dates for when he checks it.

Alarm!

Oh Holy God. I open up my e-mail today and in my inbox is an e-mail from him. It's a forwarded e-mail of a movie line. He sent it to me and a handful of other people. It was just the movie clip with no other message attached. We haven't communicated since I called him up shortly after Hurricane Katrina, which didn't go particularly well for me.

What do I do? I don't think he accidentally added me- when you break up, you notice things like that. Did he open the lines of communication? Should I respond?

Thoughts

I miss him today. I genuinely miss him. I miss his presence.

Instead of thinking that it's over, that we're not getting married, and that I'm going to have to start this dreadful process all over again, I'm thinking about him the person.

Oh God, I miss him.

Fatty-Fat McFatfat

When I met his college friends for the first time, one girl let it slip that Mark usually dated fatties. This made me tear up a bit because I thought she was calling me a fatty, but then again I was also tanked. After some calming down his other friends assured me that I am an exception to Mark's fatty fetish.

I believe them now, but the thought of him dumping me to be with fatties is horrendous.

I fucking hate my alma mater

I fucking hate my alma mater. I've had many boyfriends during college and it's never made me hate my school before. I didn't even begin to date Mark until after I had graduated, so I don't know why it's affecting me now.

Maybe it's because I remained in my college town until my recent move home. He always drove up to see me, only a handful of times I drove down to visit him, so we were always on my turf. Maybe it's because we bonded over my school. His parents and sister attended there even though he did not. Maybe it's because his family still has football season tickets.

I used to love college football. Every gameday I'd deck my car out in flags and pom poms and wear school colors. I'd scream at the TV and cheer my team on.

Right now people are trying to get me to watch the game and it makes me want to cry. Maybe it's because I know he's there right now.

Happy Birthday

I made it until 2:30 today before I realized that today is Mark's birthday. Then I had a complete emotional breakdown. At first I was crying because it was 2:30 and I was just now realizing that it was his birthday- I felt like a bad person. Then I briefly felt better because I made it to 2:30 before I remembered it because I was succeeding in getting over him. And then I cried even harder because of that.

I had decided a week ago not to acknowledge his birthday. I had already bought and made presents for him before we broke up. I was debating whether to send him a card and just the present I had made for him or to do nothing. I thought that if I send him the present, he would think good thoughts about me and if I did nothing, then he would feel the loneliness of his birthday. I decided to let him be lonely.

I was so emotionally worn out that I spent the rest of the afternoon napping. That's one nice repercussion of depression- you get to kill time and sleep.

Therapy, Day 1

Had my first ever therapy session today. My mother set it up without discussing it with me first. I thought I was doing better after the last phone call with Mark. I had some closure to everything- it was easy to think about how much he has changed. I never thought he could be like this. I actually made it a couple of days without crying. Then she springs the therapy on me. Apparently she's been talking to them for days, trying to set me up with it. I felt like it was done behind my back.

As time grew near for me to go, I started getting more and more upset. I would break down for no reason. I didn't want to go- I didn't want to be weak about the break-up. I'm not the first person going through this; this isn't my first time going through this.

My therapist is one year older than me, thinner than me, has been married for 7 years, and has 2 foster children. She possesses everything I want for my life and I resent her a little for it. She isn't going to understand why I don't want to go back into the dating world; she isn't going to understand the broken heart and rejection.

She says that the first session is to learn about me and asks me questions about my family. Then she delves into what my mother said about me while setting up the appointment. My mother told me that all she revealed was that I recently lost both my job and my boyfriend. The therapist, T, says that my mother said I was depressed, had anger issues, and problems with relationships- both inside and outside the family, among other details. All of a sudden I was furious with my mother. I didn't tell T this. I don't know what to tell her. What's the point of talking about the past, aren't you supposed to be helping for the future?