~Thursday, September 08, 2005

Good Night and Good-bye

Called him last night. I pretty much knew the outcome of the phone call before I even made it, Maybe I just needed to hear it again for closure. Maybe I just wanted someone to cry to. I don't know. I shouldn't even try to understand myself right now.

Spent the hour we were on alternating between blubbering, wailing, trying to catch my breath, and hiccuping. He wasn't rude, but he was very firm and curt. He mainly was silent and listened to me cry.

I'm used to easier break-ups than this. Bob and Ryan both weaned me off them. They would sit with me when I got too drunk, hold me while I sobbed, and took a general concern for my well-being.

I told Mark about the panic attacks, how when I find something of his I can't breathe, and my body just generally shutting down. Half a dozen times I whimpered, "I'm not doing that well." I wanted a kind word from him, something to soothe me. I had to ask him questions. He wouldn't respond to "When did you stop loving me?" but I did get him to admit he missed me sometimes and that he still cared about me.

He made up his mind. I have no delusions about us ever getting back together. He completely shut off whatever we had, which makes me feel incredibly stupid because I don't work that way. He didn't want to sit with me on the phone; I don't even know why he did it. When he said things like, "It won't always hurt like this," he sounded almost angry. No "I'm sorry," or "I wish things could have been different." No tenderness. He's done. He made a decision and he's going to stick with it.

What I do know is that he's not like this. I've never heard him be unkind to anyone since the day I met him. I want to know how he stopped caring so abruptly so that I can stop too.

I asked gently if we were ever going to talk again and he said he didn't know. I asked him how we should end the phone call. He didn't know, but he needed to go to bed because he hasn't slept much the last couple of nights. I asked why too excitedly: I wanted to hear that he was struggling too, that would mean what we had was real. He said he didn't know why. "Good night," he said.

Good night.

4 comments:

Gabriel K. said...

Rules suck. There shouldn't be rules in the world of love.

Your Sin City Friend said...

Yeah, F* the rules!

Sarah said...

The thing is every time I employ those stupid rules of dating, they ALWAYS work. I've never had them backfire. However, they take an extraordinary amount of self-discipline which is why I rarely use them.

dont eat token said...

Too reminiscent of my BF a few years ago. I didn't even get this much cruel over the phone closure. Ugh. I feel ya here.

I hope my commenting here doesn't somehow drudge up bad memories in the real sense - I care very much about how you're feeling right now and am just reading to enjoy your blog.

 

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