WTF

A guy friend asked me if I would like to see a movie this week. I checked the Facebook message Swayze sent me and saw that he only asked me to see the movie, not our normal circle of friends. We have spent a lot of time together this summer doing things on our own, but this is usually because no one else showed up, not because we planned it that way. And here he is, planning it that way.

It was a movie on an inconvenient day for me at an inconvient time. It was a movie I didn't even want to see. But he had asked only me, so I made it happen.

I ducked out of my board meeting 15 minutes early and began weaving through traffic to the theatre. On my way, he sent a text message asking me if I wanted him to smuggle in a beer for me. I gave the thumbs up and raced to make the movie.

I climbed the steps in the darkened theatre following his direction. When I reached his prefered row, I walked in to the middle as far as I could and I put a one-seat buffer between me and the next couple.

And Swayze put a one-seat buffer between us.

I stared at him incredulously as he emptied his cargo shorts pockets with loads of snacks and 3 cans of beer. He cracked open the first can and left the other two between his feet. My jaw dropped. I debated calling him out on it, something like thanking him for keeping his cooties to himself, but the roar of the previews and the sheer shock of it all left me silent.

I slumped in my seat. Who was I going to rate the previews with? I always rate the previews. With the buffer, it would be too much of a hassle to lean over and shout, "That one is going to suck!"

"OMG," my coworker said when I recounted the story to her.

"No, not OMG," I corrected. "WTF."

I was stuck in the theatre for the next 2 hours and 45 minutes while I watched Transformers, which thoroughly sucked as promised, with the sweet smell of Foster's beer plaguing my nostrils. Social awkwardness aside, the beer antic was just rude.

Leaning away from my one-seat buffer like it was contaminated with tuburculosis, I rested my cheek in my hand. It was Tuesday Night Knitting Club and I skipped it and the rest of my board meeting at work for this. This... bullshit. I understand that when guys go to the movies with each other, they use the buffer, but I am not a dude. He asked me to go with him. He wanted my company. He didn't ask anyone else. And he's the type of guy who has no problems going to movies or to see bands alone, so I know I wasn't playing a loneliness buffer, so what the hell is that seat doing between us? Meanwhile he's oblivious, snacking on his bags of snacks and drinking his beer. (And he was so dumb about it, he'd open each can during a quiet dialogue part, not when the theatre is shaking with deafening explosions.)

I sat there and wished I had a boyfriend for no other reason than to avoid wading through the crap that is man. I wondered why I was out at all. When they're not taking a dump in your car, they're doing other shitty things like asking you to see a movie and then not sitting with you like there is something wrong with you.

If we hadn't known each other for years, I probably wouldn't have been so polite about it. Swayze's done a lot of nice things for me over that time, like taking me to see Cirque du Soliel earlier this year (Where we sat next to each other), taking our group of friends to his parents' home on the water (where we sat next to each other), meeting me for countless happy hours, sushi lunches and concerts (where we sat next to each other). So maybe he has a movie problem. Or recently developed a Sarah problem in the last 10 minutes.