Seduction by the Stars

When I was 14 and a freshman in high school, my friend Ashley (at least, I think that was her name) was really into astrology. And she had a crush on a boy. So for her birthday I bought her Seduction by the Stars: An Astrological Guide to Love, Lust, and Intimate Relationships. Only she got that boy to be her boyfriend without the book, and subsequently I never heard from her ever again. So when her birthday approached, I kept the damn book.

I'm not going to lie. For the next 18 years, every time I dated someone new and learned his birthday, I consulted this book. It tells you how to flirt with, have sex with, have a relationship with, and a break up with every person based on his or her astrological sign. It even goes so far as to come up with sexy 9-1/2 Weeks' scenarios based on astrological signs. I kind of love this book.

And the most valuable thing I ever learned is how to gauge a person's interest by his or her hug. And even though it's the Cuddle Litmus Test for Pisces, this has proven to be universal.

You can use cuddling to gauge your prospects. Here is some body language to be aware of:

The A-Frame Cuddle: Here the Pisces hugs you with the top half of the body but keeps the pelvis well away from yours. Sexual prospects: zero.

The Shoulder-Tapping Hug: Another distancing hug. The Pisces hugs you but taps or slaps you on the shoulder rather than continuing contact. This shows that they are not comfortable with intimate contact with you. Sexual prospects: very poor.

The Dead-Zone Hug: The hugging equivalent of a dead-fish handshake. The Pisces hugs you but just freezes in position, zombie-like. Sexual prospects: poor.

The Warm Hug: The Pisces hugs you affectionately but their body doesn't mold to yours. Sexual prospects: maybe.

The Sensual Hug: The Pisces hugs you and their hands don't stay still but move around your back. This shows a desire to caress your skin and feel you. Sexual prospects: a definite possibility.

The Reverse Hug: The Pisces comes up and hugs you from behind. Your bottom is pressed against something interesting. Sexual prospects: excellent.

The Body-Molding Hug: The Pisces molds their body against yours, warmly snuggling in, crevice to crevice. Sexual prospects: what are you waiting for, you idiot?

The Octopus Hug: Body molding plus wandering hands. Speaks for itself. Sexual prospects: you may have to fight them off.

I have been meaning to blog about the Pisces Litmus Test for years. And now I have finally done it when it's time to give the book away. If you would like to know how to hit on someone based on this hug test*, leave a comment to win the book.

And just for fun, what are some other kinds of hugs that we missed, along with their sexual prospects? I'll start. The Armpit Hug, where you both kind of go in sideways with one arm around the back of the shoulders so only your armpits are touching. Sexual prospects: never going to happen, and you probably shouldn't even be friends.

*J/K. You just unbutton unbutton a cuff or their shirt or blouse and stroke the soft flesh on the inside of their arm. Worked like a charm on Abraham.

Men are people too

The other week I searched for a box in the back of my closet in my mother's house. I put it there when I moved in with Scott almost 2 years ago. It was my single's box, filled with old boyfriend mementos and some self-help books. With my cheek pressed against its cardboard side, I reached my arm in and fished out Seduction of the Stars, a go-to manual describing the nature of a relationship with someone based on his or her astrological sign. With a new man comes a new chapter.

I read the few pages about the Scorpio and frowned. I flipped to the beginning of the book and read my own chapter, the Taurus, and frowned even more. It's not the same as it used to be, reading the book. I just ended up feeling foolish as I tossed the book back into the box which also contained He's Just Not That Into You, Be Honest: You're Not That Into Him Either, The Rules, and Why Men Love Bitches.

I came to the realization that there is no book for this. I was violating all the rules in all the relationship books by simplying being myself and being honest. And I felt the rewards of it 10 times over.

I was honest when I asked Christopher his intentions fairly early on in spending time with him.

Because I took that step, Christopher was honest with me about his job. I, in turn, may have cleared up a confusing statement I made about being in the city (for work) that could easily be taken as having my own apartment. (He acted all horrified over the deceipt until I said, "Tell me about that job again," and he promptly dropped it.)

There was in incident in which he booted up the lap top and put it in my lap and his last web search came up for anti-depressants. He was embarassed and said he did the search for his father. I was honest and told him I was on them before and they were my breath of fresh air until I was laid off and couldn't afford them anymore. He responded by disappearing in his bedroom and coming out with a bottle in his hand.

Because of this honesty, I believe he introduced me to his brother.

When I brought up how I felt that his friends hate me (3 and a half years later, I'm still waiting for a return phone call) he asked that wasn't it more important how he felt about me than how they did? And then he promptly told me being friends with them was overrated anyway and he hardly sees them anymore.

A few weeks ago he sent me a text asking about my Facebook status that confessed I had both a good and bad weekend and he wanted to know if he was the bad part. I could have said anything other than the truth, but I sent back, "You were bright spot of my weekend."

He called me three times that night. He was open with me and made future plans with me. He told me he sleeps better when I'm around.

And finally last weekend I asked if he was an affectionate person.

"What do you mean by affectionate?" he asked. We were laying on top of his bed spooning. At that moment he was the big spoon and I thought it would be the best time to ask.

"Do you like to kiss and hold hands and that kind of thing." Because, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. The inconsistency of it was making me neurotic.

"Yeah," he chirped.

"You don't project that. Like at all," I flat-out told him.

He thought for a minute. "Defense mechanism," he said quietly.

I don't know who this person is, the person I'm playing. I've never been honest and confident and open to getting hurt. Everything I've been through tells me that I should be more afraid and more damaged than ever. However I feel like I've been through the worst of life and am out of the other side. No man can hurt me as much as Scott did. I will never feel like that again because I am making smarter decisions. So even if I get hurt by men in life, it won't compare to what I've already experienced and I know I will be just fine in the end. I am so sick of lies that I'm living my life as honestly as possible and I feel that I'm attracting the truth to me.

Being honest has helped me see that Christopher isn't the only person to change in the last few years. Through my openness I see how my actions directly affect the boys I date. I've previously viewed men as unfeeling adversaries from whom I had to protect myself. I've never felt that men had emotions that could rival mine. But I've learned that men are people too. Façade begets façade and truth begets truth.

Maybe Christopher didn't think he was so perfect years ago living in his fancy city-view apartment in his Calvin Klein jeans and Armani shoes. Maybe that was his façade to the world. At 24, I was too intimidated by the together-seeming 30-something professional, so I put on my brand names and we sat in front of that 12' x 12' window of the city, not saying much of anything except for Calvin Klein written across our asses. How silly it all seems now.

Like a Lion

In high school, I bought a book my friend wanted for her birthday. It was titled Seduction by the Stars: An Astrological Guide to Love, Lust, and Intimate Relationships. It was basically a book that suggested ways of getting someone to sleep with you based on their astrological sign. As friendships go, we had a falling out right before her birthday and I never gave her the book. It sat on my shelf until college when I was old enough to be interested in sex.

Then I realized that I am, in fact, a girl. I don't need a book to get laid; I just need to say, "Yes please! I do believe that would be an okay thing to do."

Regardless, the book is kind of fun. I like to pull it off the shelf every time I meet someone new. Not only does it suggest specific foreplay, but it also gives ideas on where to go on dates, hot conversation topics (music and art, who knew!?), and bedroom patterns.

On the phone with Jack this week, I opened the book and read about Leos. I like to start with the section about all their faults. When I read the first sentence, "It will feel like you're dating a spoiled child," Jack erupted in a full-body laugh. And laughed much longer than I anticipated.

Then he laughed some more.

I guess he strongly identified with that statement.

To be fair, I read him the section on my faults. He now knows all about the Titanic Taurean Temper Tantrums with the appropriate bull in china shop analogy.

Then I moved on to "Leos at their best." I read the paragraph first silently and then asked, "Would you say you're big-hearted?"

Jack paused and the spoke in a softened tone, "I would say my heart is my favorite thing about me."

I bit my lower lip and smiled. I wasn't sure about things after The Most Awkward Conversation. I'm not biting to move forward, but it did cause for thought when he suggested we wait. I believe Jack's intentions are sincere, but other parts seem so familiar. Adam used to talk about the future too. It's no longer a gauge for how the relationship is going. It's requiring faith on my part. Jack's big on faith.

But there are other signs that give me faith. Like Jack's heart. I don't think someone would proclaim that about himself unless he was sincere.

He also asked to meet the friends on Friday. N can't make it and she's crushed, but Mel will be there and she matters very much to me: Jack has to pass her smell test. He's coming out to my turf. He's immersing himself in my world.

That definitely wins a little faith.