So Friday night I went out for happy hour with friends and I didn't invite Christopher because I was kinda pissed at him. Over a few beers and some tator tots I watched these perfect girls with their perfect employed boyfriends that don't sleep too much and love their girlfriends. And after a few more beers, I leaned over to the girls and flat out stated that Christopher was not The One. And they said that was okay and as long as I'm having fun, I don't have to end it. One day I'll be over it and then I'll know. And I had that last beer and decided that maybe I was over it. Then my friends lean back to me and tell me they didn't really like him anyway. Katie said she thought he was hitting on her on Thanksgiving and Harvey said he got a little too drunk on New Years. Then I got protective because he is my boyfriend and I do like him, albeit not very much at the moment. When I sobered up, I realized that maybe it was just the $2 draft beers and frustration talking and I should just shelve The One debate for now. But now I know my friends don't like my boyfriend and their opinions hold great water with me and now I don't know what I have done.
1:45 PM
3 days ago
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20 comments:
Listen to the first things they said, and try hard to ignore the second part (about them not liking him). Girlfriends say things like that because they are trying to be supportive of whatever ideas you are selling them at the time. Sure, maybe they mean it, but had these issues been overly concerning, you would have known about them sooner than you learned them, which was right after you announced that maybe you were over it/him, already.
I think Christopher is a great transitional person for you. So he's not The One? You're young enough yet to now stress too much over being with The One right now, anyway. He's taken you mind to another place after and during some tough times, so this time is not lost.
Don't act because of something your friends have said. Do what feels right to YOU - your intuition is rarely wrong.
Annnnd this is another example of hitting 'publish' before re-reading your comment. AWESOME. ;o)
What AmyB said...minus the typos. :-P
I agree with AmyB as well.
I think that you don't have to decide right now if Christopher is The One.. you can enjoy what you have with him and when you'll be over it, you'll know.
Your friends were probably trying to be supportive and they tried to go along with what you were saying. However, I don't think that it should be the basis for your decision.
Stupid no-name beer. Tsssss.
The One? Do people still believe in that concept?
Also keep in mind that friends always tend to try to say things that will help us feel better or support what we are saying. And he's not their boyfriend he's yours and if they all care about you they will make the attempt to be civil around him. And I think shelving the One debate is fine. Live for the moment not the future. Living for the future is where people get into trouble a lot of the time.
There are some things that are really patronizing to hear-- I know, because I hear them, too. But I have to also agree with Amy that you're at a point in your life where he offers stability, comfort, and support. That's a lot of pressure you're putting on yourself, on Christopher, on your relationship to determine if he can provide that long-term. And def not something you can decide over $2 drafts.
When it comes to boys, friends often
a) have NO clue, cause they're not in the relationship and
b) want what you say you want. If you say one thing, they're totally supportive. If you say another, they're totally supportive. Especially when they're drunk. I would not base a relationship decision over some things my friends said, but I would keep my eye out.
Follow your gut, but balance that with living in the moment, enjoying what you have and learning the great lessons you're learning and not trying to plan out your whole life right now. And I know that sucks to hear (read) because I need stability, and one of the reasons I have a hard time dating is because I kind of need to know wtf you think you're doing with me... and that's not a good question to ask on date 2!
That said... alcohol doesn't invent thoughts that weren't present in the first place... they just remove the filter that stops us from saying/ thinking/considering them. Had you not been mad at Christopher, you might have looked at those couples and thought 'aw, I miss my man.'. Perhaps your thoughts might be based more in the things you're working through w/ therapy (i.e. fear, anxiety, expectation) than anything else, and I know for me, alcohol exacerbates any negativity, insecurity, anomalies I happen to be feeling at the time.
In my opinion this is something you should consider with a clear mind, when you're not mad at him, because that will definitely knock him down the list of 'The One-ness', lol.
Personally, though, I'd chat with him about the things your friends brought up. He might not realize he's doing things that they seem to pick up, and now that they mention it, you'll notice them, too.
This is why, whenever a friend of mine is disillusioned by her boyfriend at the time, I NEVER say anything bad about him. Because then, when everything gets better and they're in love again, I'm the one who's the "bitch who said those awful things about the man I love."
Go with YOUR gut, not with theirs. Go with YOUR heart, not with theirs. YOURS are the only ones that matter.
Sounds like you're feeling iffy and that's natural. We all get hurt in relationships... time always gives us perspective.
It can take a really long time before you feel like he/someone is "the one." Like, years.
Try to decide if 1.) he just made a bad decision, 2.) does that decision embody his personality, 3.) is it something that may not be a big deal a year from now?
-dont
Honestly no offense to you girls but yeah, don't take what those friends of yours said to closely. I never do. oops did I say that!
I'm having a bad week when it comes to girls and what they say don't mind me. In fact I'm really not the one to give a good answer on this one ;).
I do believe the last part of AmyB's first comment is correct though!
Also, if you're like me, you tend to only vent to your friends when he's done something bad, thus they only have one point of view about him. It couldn't hurt that next time he's done something super sweet and amazing to say something about it.
when i read this my first reaction was "oh shit." then i thought for a minute and with that i have this.
my roommate and her boyfriend dated a year, had a HUGE row, broke up for a year, and are now back together. i'm quite convinced they'll get married and so are they. in the course of their big - albeit not permanent - break, some took sides, some voiced way too loudly their opinions (disaprovals), and some said nothing (me). their parents interjected their opinions (of course). but in the end? it didn't matter. the friends that thought their opinions were superior and unheard were dismissed as were their friendships. but those who carried about the best interests of my roommate and her beau? they're still here. and it all works for the better.
my only advice: follow your heart, love.
Whether or not he is THE ONE or not (and yes, I know, I used caps) what matters for now is whether you're happy. If you're enjoying what you're doing, happy in his company (and yes, that's more than just the sex!) and don't feel you constantly have to work at the relationship then continue in it until you do. When you start having doubts (whether sober or drunk) then you have to really sit down and think about what your doubts are.
Listen to your head. Listen to your heart.
It'll all be fine :)
i have to agree with the majority of what the first few people said... amyb, curvy jones, dawn... and adding a little, i agree that maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it. i know my husband is VERY flirtatious, and he has no idea that he is. we used to fight about it before i realized that he really doesn't have a clue. he's never crossed the line, and i know he never will. i know i'm the only girl he sees and he claims i'm the only girl he'll ever love. but i have had girls hit on him aaaaalllll the time because they think he's flirting with him. and i've seen him flirt with girls and called him on it. he doesn't think it's flirting, just thinks he's being a gentleman. maybe so, but women LOVE gentlemen. since i've brought it to his attention, and even gone so far as to whisper to him, "there, what you just did is flirting.. look at how she is reacting, she thinks you're hitting on her..." and i have seen his jaw drop and the lightbulb glow above his head, he's curbed it.. he's cut back on the flirting and watches how he treats other women.
i say definitely tell him what your friends mentioned to you and ask him what he thinks about it. don't accuse, just bring it up in an "i'm just curious" kind of way. you never know, maybe he too has no idea how he comes across to people and this will open his eyes a little. or maybe your friend just thinks everyone hits on her. ;) (i've got some friends like that too..)
as for "the one".. that one's been beat to the ground, but again, i agree.. you're rebounding. you need the stability and security, but that doesn't necessarily mean you need marriage just yet. take it slow. you like christopher, he's good to you. enjoy what you've got, and if it goes further, then worry about it then. if not, then that's ok, and "the one" is still out there.. just waiting for you to be ready.
=)
I agree with AmyB - follow your heart, and don't mind what they said.
I echo what the others have already said... and encourage you to talk to them and to Christopher. If you are cross and unhappy with him right now, you probably should talk to him anyway....and if what your friends have said really bothers you, then you can talk to them about it.. because they are your friends.
*hugs*
So he isn't Mr. Right?! Mr Right Now isn't so bad.
Have fun. Make hot monkey love. Enjoy the security and stability.
Pressure is for suckas so be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else.
If you are having to think about this a lot maybe you should start talking to him and your friends. See what your friends really really mean.
I agree w/ the others - girl, just relax and have fun. But if you don't want to spend time w/ him, don't. I can't think of 'the one' and I have at least 10 years on you sugar. ;) But I also recognize when it's done w/ someone cuz why waste everyone's time? Just do what feels right in order to take care of you and you can't go wrong. xo
Not "the one" or a square peg being forced into a round hole (no girly-parts pun intended)?
Of course, it's never fun hearing your friends don't care for your beau. Crummy (sigh).
Either way, I know you'll figure it out.
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