Update on Christopher

About 3 days after I broke up with Christopher, he was laid off from his third job this recession. I say laid off because that's what he told me, but I have my doubts. His story is that the company he was working for decided to discontinue the use of all of its contract workers. Considering it is a business that depends on contract workers and contract workers are cheaper because of not having to pay for benefits, I really find this story unlikely.

I remember one morning while we were still dating, he called me before my alarm rang. He said he overslept and would be late for work and he didn't know what to do. I rolled over in bed and said very plainly to call his boss and say he was running 20 minutes late. Duh. He said that it would make him look bad. I said the company would rather get some work out of him then none, so he better get a move on. Instead he concocted this huge story about how his car broke down and it would require the rest of the day to repair, and then he promptly sat at home at watched TV all day. And because he is a contract worker, he doesn't get paid days off, so he lost a day's worth of pay because he didn't want to be 20 minutes late. I think that says a lot about his work ethic. And I also think that is a contributing factor as to why he got fired a month in the new job.

So he tells me he lost his job and I wish I was able to kiss myself for being so lucky that I already broke up with him. It would have been harder breaking up with someone who was also professionally dumped.

He has also been telling me other things, like he's sorry for never telling me he loves me, because he does. He also says that he misses me. But these are messages coming through in texts. He hasn't spoken them out loud. He hasn't driven to my apartment to tell me in person. I'm not a big fan of the text message and it all seems a little too little, too late.

I'm writing about this in one lump, so it seems like we talk all the time, but we don't. About once every 2 weeks when he calls me. The majority of his texts go unanswered by me.

I got a phone call at 4 a.m. He left some long, rambling message on my voicemail that his apartment is haunted because there was a spot on his carpet that if he touched it, it was wet and soapy, but if he didn't touch it, it was dry. I deleted the message and ignored it. The timing seems about right. Now that he is unemployed again, he's staying awake all night, probably drinking beers, and got the guts to contact me at about 4 a.m.

A couple of days go by. I get another early morning text message. This time it's him apologizing for the voicemail, saying he his doctor prescribed him the antidepressant Cymbalta and it made him hallucinate.

I sigh and roll over in bed again. Only it's not my bed. These aren't my pillows or my comforter or my hardwood floor. My bedroom has carpeting. I'm in Dallas visiting my brother and I'm in his guest room and this craziness has just traveled through time zones with me.

He and I both know that he's lying. The week prior, I just finished a huge research project on anti-depressants for work. I can't stand liars, so I contacted him to call him out on it.

"You've never taken anti-depressants before so your doctor should have put you on an SSRI like the majority of users. Cymbalta is an SNRI."

Cymbalta is also brand name and he's unemployed, meaning he doesn't have money for a brand name when generics are readily available, and Cymbalta doesn't currently have a marketed generic form.

"Threw them away. They made me hallucinate."

"Hallucination is not a side effect of anti-depressants."

"It says to call your doctor if you hallucinate."

I sat and thought about this for a second. Hallucination is indeed not a side effect of anti-depressants, but it is a symptom of serotonin syndrome, which can happen with an overdose of anti-depressants. He must have picked that up from the Cymbalta commercial, that just says to call your doctor if you experience any of these things.

Serotonin syndrome also has other symptoms, such as diarrhea and vomiting and the reason you are hallucinating is because your brain is DYING. It's a very serious disease. It's the equivalent of having an anaphylactic reaction. If you had it, you were going to the emergency room. And you aren't going to have little friendly carpet hallucinations, you are going to have paranoid ideations.

I was fed up. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was lying, so I didn't even bother to respond to his last text. I wasn't going to explain serotonin syndrome to him all the way from Texas just so I could prove that I was right.

I sat on the edge of my brother's guest bed and felt sorry for myself for a minute. Christopher wasn't always crazy, but he ended up that way after I broke up with him. I have crazy ex-boyfriends. Even worse, the crazy followed me to Texas. I rubbed my toe on the hardwood floor and wished I could have normal ex-boyfriends who aren't that into me.

And then I had a thought. There is a really easy fix to get the crazy out of my life. Delete, erase, wipe out. So I did just that.

Look at me bein' all healthy.