He's Just Not That Into You: a review

I never wanted to read, "He's Just Not That Into You." I browsed through it on Amazon and decided that everything I needed to know, I learned in the title of the book. But after insistences from several women and my effort to change, I ordered it.

I read it this weekend, and when I finished the book, I promptly cried. Because that is what you do after reading 160 pages of all the ways men can reject you. It really ends on such a sad note, that the statistics are bleak, the odds of finding a guy that will treat you decently are more not than often. Even though it's punctuated with witticisms, "You just bought yourself 2 tickets for the He's Just Not That Into You train," it was wholly depressing.

I kept thinking of Ryan, an ex of mine who fit the part of the Not Into You Boy. It made me feel like our relationship was a farce. That when he told me he loved me, he didn't know what he was saying. We still talk to each other on a weekly basis and he has become a great friend of mine. This book made me feel like none of that was real because Ryan's faults were spelled out on a page for me. I hate this book for taking that away from me.

I know you're supposed to take this book on a basic level. It's a guideline, not a truth. That if this behavior transpires, more often than not the case is he just doesn't like you enough. It plays the Jiminy Cricket to your inner dialogue. So as long as you take it for its themes, it's an alright book. My favorite was to always think of yourself as the rule, not the exception to it; this will prevent you from becoming hurt and fantasizing about scenarios that will never play out.

It's good only if served as a periodic reminder to not make excuses for unacceptable behavior, but nothing more.

So this was my day yesterday-

9:45 am: No response.
10:15 am: No response.
11:51 am: No response.
1:20 pm: No response. Answered e-mail from the girls stating I received no response.
3:41 pm: Nope, nothing.
4:00 pm: Nothing. Updated girls and forced myself not to stare blankly at my e-mail anymore.

I thought for sure something would be there when I got to work this morning.

9:00 am: Not a freaking thing. And why am I getting spam all of a sudden?

Thank God for girls. The older I get, the more I realize I truly need them. I was clearing out some spam and Blind Date Boy and my mutual friend e-mails me:

If you replied to ______ and are wondering why he hasn't responded to you yet, his e-mail was down last night. Also, private e-mail sites are blocked on our computers here at work. Keep me updated! :)

This means he hasn't even read mine yet. Now I won't go through another hair pulling day. Whew!

The E-mail

It took him 4 days, but I finally received an e-mail from Blind Date Boy. Our mutual friend thought it would be easier if we exchange e-mails first. His e-mail was carefully worded and nothing less than charming. I was going to practice the new me, the casual one who can take or leave boys. I rounded up the girls and we all went to lunch yesterday. After we placed our order, I pulled the e-mail out of my purse.

The girls read it and sighed. They loved it. They said he obviously put some time in it and it was a really great letter.

"I know. I need your help so I don't screw this up," I said.

As a group, we balance each other out. I'm the crazy, unafraid one, E is the shy one, and L is the sensible one with the long term boyfriend. I needed sensible and shy, not forward and crazy. Together over lunch we drafted a letter back. It mirrored his, ended with a question to solicit a response, and on the whole was light and breezy, punctuated with a few jokes. Everyone was really pleased.

"When are you going to send it?" asked L.

"I don't know."

"Wait until tonight to send it," said E.

"No," L smiled and leaned over the table. "Send it tomorrow morning."

I saved the draft to my computer and glanced at it periodically throughout the afternoon at work. I wanted to send it, but didn't. I got home, pulled out some knitting, and sat in front of the TV. It was raining. I checked my e-mail, thought of sending the letter, and I didn't.

I made it until 9 am this morning and I am extremely proud of myself.

A Phone Call

I got a call yesterday from my coworker's wife who works across the street from my apartment building. The receptionist who put the call through was acting funny. I thought for sure she was calling to tell me my apartment building was on fire or a CSI unit was staged out front. I picked up the phone:

(Slightly afraid) "Hello?"

"Are you still single?"

(Sighs) "Whew, I thought you were calling about my building!"

"No, there is this guy in my office I want to set you up with."

"Is he cute?"

(Without hesitation) "Yes."

"Is he nice? I only like nice boys!" (Bold faced lie)

"Yes. I really thing y'all will get along great together"

"Well okay then."

I hung up the phone and felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. I wanted more time to figure things out with me. I wanted to wait until at least the books I ordered arrived in the mail. But then again, no one has ever called me up before, wanting to set me up...

One Step Forward

Oh. Dear. God.

I just spent $35 on Amazon buying self-help books. Like porn, they ship it to your door in a discreet brown box marked only with "Amazon" and not with "another girl suckered in to buying these crap books." This is also the same reason I couldn't walk into my Barnes and Noble. If the cashier was hot, I'd never make it out alive.

My favorite selection was "Be Honest: You're Just Not That Into Him Either." I liked that title better, it's less desperate sounding therefore a less chance of me spending $11 to mock it.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I got up Sunday morning and crashed on my couch. I was hung over, but refused to take anything for it. I felt like I deserved the pain. I concentrated on last night's events.

I should probably feel embarrassed, but I don't. Andy and I don't have any mutual friends in common and I really don't feel like trying to be friends with him. From the moment I met him, I've been complaining on here that he's a jerk. What happened? Why did I go against my gut?

I shielded my eyes from the sunlight and forced myself to think about the night with Christopher when I ended up drunk in his bushes. I relived every mortifying detail, including trying to take a dog out with a half-full beer can. What has happened to me?

I made a few decisions feeling death take over me on my couch:

• No more liquor. I don't need to spend half of my precious weekend feeling like I do right now. Besides, it's expensive. Beer in social situations only.
• If I have a gut feeling, I'm going to follow it and to hell with the consequences. In my experience, not following my gut yields worse results.
• I'm turning down the next guy that asks me out. Just because. I need to feel in control of things again.
• I'm going to read some self-help books, starting with "He's Just Not That Into You."
• I'm going to post a profile on one of those on-line dating sites and be more active in the dating world and attend some singles' events. Must rope coworker to do the same so I'm not in this alone.

I just got another year older. It's time to make some changes.

And so it ends

"You used me."
"I know, I'm sorry."

I sat with my legs stretched out in front of me on Andy's kitchen floor, not too far from the door. Andy sat in a chair facing me.

He asked me to go to a concert with him. At the last minute, he also invited another friend who kept hitting on me. When I told Andy, he didn't care. "Why, should I be jealous?" he said. It got so uncomfortable that his friend left and now we had to talk about what I put out there.

"You used to like me."
"I was intrigued."
"Bullshit. Don't lie to me. You used to like me."
"I was intrigued."
"Liar. You changed your mind and you fed off of me. You used me. You kept me around to feed your own ego."
"You're right, I did."
"I'm not a fool."

Andy puts his head in his hands and looked at the floor. I vowed never to like another bald man again.

"I wish I never met you," he muttered.

This was just too much. It was insulting. I got up and ran out of his apartment. The stairway was unlit and I put my hand on the banister and made my way into the night as quickly as I could. I got about halfway down the stairs before he stopped me. It was pitch black and my eyes hadn't adjusted yet. I just saw an outline of his face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. Please come back up. I didn't mean it like that."

Slowly I made my way back up. Andy kept his hand on my back and guided me up the staircase. I think he just wanted to keep me from bolting again. I sat back down on the kitchen floor, purse in hand. I would have given a body limb for another drink at that moment. I vocalized this thought. Running down the stairs wore off the last of my buzz.

"It's just that I don't want to date someone unless it could go somewhere and I don't want to marry you."

It's pretty bad when someone tells you he doesn't want to marry you when you're not even dating.

He continued: "I led you on and I'm sorry."

Truth is, I knew all along things would turn out this way. I knew it would never go anywhere, that he wasn't right for me, but I forced myself into liking him to distract myself from getting attached to Christopher, and I still ended up hurt.

My friends hated Andy. They saw first hand how he treated me and couldn't stand him. We'd be at a bar and he would get up and go watch whatever sports game that was on at the moment and leave me alone at the table. My friends and I ran into him the night before and were appalled at the way he spoke to me when I didn't pick up the concert tickets yet.

Andy was the worst kind of guy. He was a bad boy who played the nice guy act. He was selfish and rude and insulting, but played up how he wanted to settle down and was tired of getting hurt. He truly thought he was he was a good guy; he was not. Good guys wouldn't lead girls on for kicks.

Andy said he still wanted to be friends. I nodded, but knew that would never happen. Andy was never my friend. My friends don't treat each other that way. My friends would never use me.

"You'll find someone else."
I smiled. I still had a card left in my hand. It was time to lay it down.
"I've been seeing someone since January."

Andy's eyes widened. I don't look like the girl who can keep this information quiet. He was so sure he knew me and I dropped this bomb.

"What's his name?"
"Christopher."
"It'll never work."

I was so over this conversation, but it was playing out perfectly. Andy was stunned, his ego deflating.

"When was the last time you had sex?"
"Monday."

Andy's mouth dropped fully open. I laughed and then immediately tried to cover it up. He blinked a few times.

"With Christopher?"
I shrugged, "You got to have birthday sex."
"I had no idea."
"I know."

He may have turned me down, but it was I who had the last laugh.