Truth-or-treat

Honesty time. He'll never call again and I knew this from the very beginning. When he spoke about his exes to me, he never seemed torn up about it. I used to think it was because they weren't me and didn't have what we did. I was DELUDED. This is a guy who is 27 years old and has never made a decision or been responsible for anything his entire life. He spent 7 years getting his undergraduate with his parents supporting him 100% financially the entire time. Afterwards he moved back home where he still lives with them with no plans to move out. He's never made an insurance payment, much less rent!

He hasn't deparented. I thought he was just close to his family, which seemed cool because I'm the exact opposite with mine. His idea of fun was hanging out with them. I'm not saying that that's a bad thing, but he had no desire to acquire his own life. He doesn't have a single friend where he lives and spends all him time with his parents. That's weird.

He's not going to call because he's perfectly happy living off them, he doesn't crave anything more in life, anything of his own. And here was I, getting excited that we were looking at rings and houses. This makes me feel like a complete idiot. I'm having trouble for forgiving myself for falling in love with him. There were 2 distinct times when I should have broken up with- one 2 weeks after we met and one time in May- and I didn't. I wanted to do it in May, but my mother talked me out of it, telling me I couldn't do any better than him. I hate myself for not doing it either one of those times. Now he has the upper hand, living fine with his parents and not giving me a second thought when I feel like I have no choice left but to leave the state.

Thinking of moving

I just spent the last week at my father's beach house. This morning I began my usual unemployed routine and the house just has a different atmosphere- a heavier one. I've decided to look for work in Charleston and see if I can't move out there. I don't know whether to categorize this decision as running away or starting over. Am I running away from all my problems by leaving the state so I won't have to think about my ex or my mother? Or am I trying to put everything behind me and give myself a breath of fresh air?

Every night is a nightmare

I hate my dreams. For a few weeks after the break-up, I dreamed as if we were still together and when I woke up, I had to endure the pain of remembering that we were indeed not together anymore. I think those were the worst. I opened my eyes and for my first breath awake, I remembered the blissful dream. Then during the second breath, I would flashback into the break-up and all the events that transpired since then would fast-forward through my memory, leaving me in tears by the time I exhaled.

Now every night I dream about the break up. I dream we run into each other and play through the horrible things we say. I dream about him getting back at me for whatever he thinks I did to him. They are these awful nightmares that have me wake up sweating and suffocating. I've been violent in my sleep: I rip sheets and scratch the wood bed frame.

I'm trying falling asleep with the TV on. This way I can't lie in the dark and think about anything, my mind will be distracted. Usually when this happens, I dream about the infomercials or the characters on the TV, but I'm having no such luck.

Dirty Secret #4

I have a cousin in jail. He's not a blood related cousin, but a step-2nd-cousin (if those even exist.) Right after my mother had surgery and she was high on whatever they were pumping into her for the pain, she told me that Josh was in jail for drunk driving. He ran a stop sign and hit and killed a man. She said the judicial system threw the book at him and he was sentenced to 9 years in jail. I asked how long ago this happened, thinking it was only a couple of months ago, and she said he's been in there for 2 years with the rapists and murderers and that his family is trying to get him into a better jail for the remainder of his sentence. She felt like he didn't deserve that many years in jail and was really sympathetic to the whole scenario. She told me, however, to not talk about it in front of my step-father, who'd spent years recovering in a hospital after he was hit by a drunk driver in the 70's. My stepfather is permanently disfigured because of the accident and his best friend was killed.

The next day at work I searched my cousin's name on the internet, knowing I'd find the story in some newspaper archives. Usually you get your mug shot in the paper after your sentencing. Having a plethora of friends get DUIs in college, I'd knew it would be there somewhere. From their experiences I knew you'd have to be pretty fucked up and reckless to actually kill someone. The article confirmed my suspicions- he wasn't just drunk, he was also high on pot and painkillers at the time and that's why his sentencing was so great: he's serving manslaughter charges on each of the 4 DUIs he received. I also looked up the name of the man he killed, wondering if he was a father or not, but I found nothing on him.

After knowing the whole story, I felt a lot less sympathetic towards my cousin. I printed the story and I read it to my mother when I visited her in the hospital that afternoon. It didn't seem to change her opinion about him, that he got more than he deserved and should be in a lesser prison.

What does this have to do with my heartbreak? Right after my break-up we have one more conversation about my cousin. Apparently my cousin was dating a girl when this happened 2 years ago and she vowed to wait for him until he's released in 7 years. What the fuck! My cousin, the one no one talks about, the one who dropped out/ expelled from high school, the one missing a front tooth has a girl- in college nonetheless- waiting for him to get out of jail for killing a man! My cousin can maintain a relationship but I cannot. Where's my fucking karma? Where's my Jack Daniels?

He's a dick I tell you!

I hate to admit this, but I was too perplexed stupid to actually read the e-mail yesterday. I waited until I was alone and watched the clip. To my complete horror, I realize I had just been victimized by a stinging jellyfish e-mail. "Jellyfishers" are people who have this annoying talent as being able to insult you without actually insulting you. The sting comes from nowhere with no warning and you actually wonder if you have a right to be upset.

The clip in the e-mail accomplished just this. If we were still together, I'd take the e-mail as a joke. He and I often picked on each other, both of us being upperclass smartasses. But when you're broken up and haven't spoken to each other in a month and all of a sudden you get this e-mail that takes a dig at you- it's not funny, it's insulting.

I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt he did this intentionally- I know him better than he knows himself at times. I think he did it to get back at me for the comment that he alledges broke the proverbial camel's back. There were 2 responses I deliberated sending him: the first one reading, "Now we're even," and the second one reading, "how very hateful of you." I sent neither. I figured I'd respond when he has something to say- all he can do is jellyfish me over the internet, so it's not worth it. If I respond then he knows he got to me and I'm currently working the cold, distant, ice queen approach.

This doesn't mean I'm not pondering filling my public blog with fake dates for when he checks it.

Alarm!

Oh Holy God. I open up my e-mail today and in my inbox is an e-mail from him. It's a forwarded e-mail of a movie line. He sent it to me and a handful of other people. It was just the movie clip with no other message attached. We haven't communicated since I called him up shortly after Hurricane Katrina, which didn't go particularly well for me.

What do I do? I don't think he accidentally added me- when you break up, you notice things like that. Did he open the lines of communication? Should I respond?

Thoughts

I miss him today. I genuinely miss him. I miss his presence.

Instead of thinking that it's over, that we're not getting married, and that I'm going to have to start this dreadful process all over again, I'm thinking about him the person.

Oh God, I miss him.