Broke all the rules today

I'm not stupid, I know what "I can't do this anymore" means. It's not, "I'm busy right now and I can't fight with you at the moment." It's "I'm breaking up with you over a fucking text message."

It's been two days with and no communication with Mark. I've been so completely devastated that I'm afraid to check my e-mail and find a Dear John letter. I have also given up the job hunt to wallow in this. My mother says the best part about the break-up is that I'm at home surrounded by my family and people that love me.

I miss my apartment.

I miss my apartment and my queen bed with satin sheets. My bedroom TV at the perfect angle to be seen comfortably from my bed. My 2 bedroom and 2 bath sanctuary in which no one could disturb me. My cable on demand that I once proposed to. My kitchen that housed foods I would actually eat, compared to the multi-multi-grain crap my mother buys. My solitude.

I find that watching extremely long movies and TV series on DVD help the most. These are long enough to make time pass at an acceptable rate. Otherwise it's every commercial break and I tear at the fact that everything I once had and loved is gone: my independence, my job, and my love. This is enough to send anyone into a spiral of depression.

I began watching the complete series of Felicity. I figured someone is always breaking up on that show so I wouldn't have to deal with people being in love for very long. But as always I began thinking Maybe I'll call him and act like I didn't understand what 'I can't take this anymore' means. If I diffuse the situation that way, maybe it won't be over.

I call. No response. Waited an hour. Called again. No response. Waited an hour. Before I knew it, I fell into this pattern. It gave me something to do. But calling 4 times in 1 day does not come off very well. Nor did he ever call me back.

Break-up still on.