The Oscillating Fan, Part Two

I've been thinking back all week to that party where Christopher told the 16-year-old she was beautiful. It still annoys me. I even brought it up when I was out to lunch with a girlfriend today.

"Maybe he's the kind of guy that likes to push your buttons," she offered.

He is. He 100% is. Usually I can fight back when he's an ass, or I can at least tolerate it: I was over at his house on a Sunday night under the condition that he puts on "Grey's Anatomy" for me. He keeps his word and he puts the show on....on one side of the screen. On the other half of the split-screen TV, he turns on porn. I had to sift through the "oohs" and "ahhs" to hear my show. This I can appreciate. This is funny.

I, however, have no tolerance for him hitting on someone I know when I take him to my friends' house. He threw up in my truck on the way home, not hers; he can at least admit that I'm beautiful.

The night before, while we were drifting off to sleep, he said something about how I never tell him anything. This statement, coupled with my girlfriend's suggestion, has me thinking about the flip side of the coin: maybe he wants the same from me. I'm just stubbornly expecting him to say something when I haven't given him anything either.

I don't flirt with him; I've never told him how unbelievably handsome I think he is. Other than sex, I never initiate any sort of affection: I've never hugged him, we only kiss when he does it- even then it's awkward as hell because we've kissed a handful of times. It's the only part of his body that I'm not comfortable with. He doesn't know anything about my life except I live with my father, hate my brother who went to GA Tech, and what I do for a living. When we talk, we either comment about what's on TV at the moment or take digs at each other. To be honest, I don't really trust him. I know he doesn't mean any harm, but I can't open up to someone who's constantly taking shots at me. And, in my defense, he's never asked. However, in the recent weeks, he has been asking me if I think he's cute, funny, etc. I assumed it was just to inflate his ego, but maybe he wants acceptance from me as well.

The day after the party, he complimented me and told me I was beautiful, twice. I'm really hard on him and he really hasn't given me any reason to be. The only time he's seen an emotion from me (other than the infamous "whore" calling incident) was when he said that to the girl. It's the only time he could even guess how I feel regarding him. And now he knows that I don't like him flirting with other people in front of me.

That same night I forgot my toothbrush and he gave me one of his to use. The next night, I remembered mine. "You brought your own toothbrush," he said, holding the one he gave me to use. Did he mean that I could keep the one he gave me? I'm so busy keeping my game face on, that I may have missed that step.

I'm not sure what we are. I don't know if we're dating or just "hanging out." I don't really care to ask either. I've been happy, right now it doesn't matter to me what we are. I'm so afraid of rejection and the "let's just be friends" speech- which I know is inevitable from him- that I haven't been giving him a reason to make it by acting otherwise.

I don't know what to do. Should I open up? We're on the basis of calling each other "hot" which is a step up from where we were. What if all this is just so I can feed his ego? Besides calling me beautiful after I got pissed, he hasn't given me any reason to behave differently either.

Oh God, what if this is just a vicious circle of neither of us doing anything because the other hasn't?