Why I have been absent: mentally, physically, and emotionally

I've sort of strayed from here because the only thing I had to post about last week I didn't really want to address. But in my effort to be completely honest, here it goes.

I have been putting myself under a lot of stress lately. Although I haven't moved yet, I've been working in the big city and am trying to adjust to it. For me, it's new everything: new job, new friends, new life. I originally came here for Mark and the thought of facing this city alone scares the living hell out of me. He led me on and had me move here to be with him, and he dumped me 2 weeks into it. Since then, I retreated to my mother's house, and when that became too close, I moved even further away to my father's house.

But my job and Christopher have me spending 90% of my time here. It's tough. It's a different crowd than what I'm used to. Here it's all about where you live, what you do, and who you wear. Everything is a rat race and I drive myself insane (literally at times, I'm afraid) trying to fit in. 90% of my time, energy, and money is invested into myself so I'll fit in. I'm on this insane diet that makes me nauseated every time I try and put food in my mouth. I'm in traffic 3 hours a day on my commute, watching people cut me off and cheat their way to the front and I almost cry because I see this as one big metaphor for my life. I cry myself to sleep about 3 nights a week because I don't feel thin enough/ beautiful enough/ good enough.

Where I'm from, the standards are a lot lower. You've got it made if you have a full-time job. Everyone gets really drunk and does really stupid things every weekend. People from all walks of life accept each other and the goths will party with the professionals on a Friday night. That's not how it is here. I got drunk one night and Rebecca will never speak to me again (bitch never called me back even after I left her a message apologizing.)

I tried mentioning my struggle to my father at dinner one night last week. He noticed that I began retreating again and kept going back to my college town instead of the big city on the weekends. I told him about the superficiality of the city and it's tough to create an identity for yourself there. He said I needed to exercise more. I told him he missed my point and he asked me to explain. I tried again and he just said that that is the way the real world is and I better get used to it. He's not very supportive, but he isn't judgmental like my mother, so I can stand living there.

Everything sort of came to a head last week. I joined a gym and a yoga class with some girls from work. Then I find out that having a gym isn't enough, you also need a personal trainer. And after that: a nutritionist. I'll never catch up. I opened a bottle of wine for dinner and never stopped drinking. I got completely tanked off of one bottle of wine and began calling people. I called for Conor but he was asleep and his roommate tried talking to me but he couldn't understand me through my sobs, so he passed the phone on to Bryan. Yeah, so didn't need to be talking to him.

He was really nice about the whole thing and told me about when he moved from Virginia to Georgia. He said it takes a year before you completely fit in and find yourself and your friends. I cried harder. He asked how long I been in the city and laughed when I told him a month. "I have 11 more months of this?" I wailed. He said I'm smart and beautiful and shouldn't worry about such things, that I'm too hard on myself.

He's partly right. To be honest, I don't really know that much about the city. I still haven't been to the popular places and still haven't met a wide variety of people yet. What I know about the city is Christopher, who's so incredibly built and good looking, I still can't believe it when the phone rings. I know my cousin and his wife-- poster children for the Aryan race with A+ personalities to match. They are the type of people who can make everyone in a room feel special. I got an e-mail from the prettiest and most popular girl from my high school saying she's also in the city. This is my competition. I can't keep up.

I woke up the next day with an honest-to-God red wine stain on my face. I have now reached desperation of Bridget Jones' proportions.