~Thursday, March 02, 2006

32 reasons why I have this blog

Saturday night Christopher went to a party thrown by Maddy and Rebecca. He called me afterwards, drunk as a skunk, to hang out.

I knew if I was going to be cool about the whole Rebecca falling out, then I would just keep my mouth shut about the whole thing. Hours passed and I slowly began obsessing over it. I always take him to parties I'm invited to, and I actually know most of the people there and yet he didn't invite me. Last time I checked, he hadn't told Maddy that he was hanging out with me, and in the spirit of seeing where things are going, I was curious to see if that had changed.

'Be cool. Be cool. Be cool,' I kept telling myself all night. It became a mantra.

I knew if I was to say something, now would be the time because he was so tanked, he probably wouldn't remember me getting all girlie on him. But I kept pushing it down.

The next morning it slipped out.

"Have you told your friends about me?"
"What about you?"
"Me!" I said in a silly voice, hoping if I said it cute enough, I wouldn't have to directly answer that question.
"What about?"
"Me!" (This is clearly not working. Damn him.)
He laughed. "What about?" (Hmm, I wonder if he's interrogating me as well.)
"That we're... uh... we're..." Stalling clearly wasn't working either. Suddenly I got trapped into defining our relationship, "Hanging out," I finished lamely.
"They're aware of you."

'They're aware of you?' What kind of clinical answer is that?!?!? I am aware of the AIDs epidemic in Africa. I am aware that if I feed my father's dog table scraps, she'll fart all night. I am not aware of how to take this as a response.


Way to be vague there, buddy.

My back was to him, so he couldn't see my mouth just hanging open at the crap response I got.

He continued, "Well Maddy is anyways. I haven't said anything to Rebecca yet, so she may not know."

She's Maddy's girlfriend, of course he probably told her. Unless I'm such a sore subject, that he hasn't. This isn't getting me anywhere. Why wasn't I invited? Because Rebecca just hates me that much? Because no one knows about me? Because Christopher didn't want to take me?

I don't know which reason is worse. If I am forbidden by Rebecca to be in their holy sober presence, then Christopher and I don't have much of a chance because his friends hate me. If Christopher hasn't told anyone about me, then I'm some slutty dirty secret. Nothing here to give me the warm fuzzies.

To make it worse, I defined us and copped out on it. If he thought more of us, then I just gave him a reason not to. In the movie "Rainmaker," Matt Damon has a line to the effect of "Every time there is a murder, the killer makes 32 mistakes. 32 clues left behind; 32 chances to get caught."

This is my dating life. Monday through Wednesday, I feel good. Thursday, all 32 mistakes I made glare back at me. 32 reasons why I can't do anything right; 32 reasons why I don't deserve to be in a relationship.


Jenni said...

Christopher is wise to your game. He just isn't going to give anything until he gets something. He's playing it safe too. It's putting you at a stalemate.

Seriously though, what do you have to lose by just coming out and asking him why he didn't invite you to the party? And asking him what "aware" means? Stop being scared of his answers. He will answer you and then it'll be much more clear to you about how to proceed.

Consider re-grouping and advancing differently. You can maintain your guard by remembering not to be too sensitive about his answers. Just make him CLARIFY.

I think your self confidence is at stake here. Muster some of that "I'm hot and worth the trouble" attitude! Your questions are valid and worth answering. You are more than worth being in a relationship with and being honest with. You deserve the whole man, don't settle.

Sarah said...

I just REALLY don't want to hear that it's Rebecca. If it's his friends that didn't want me there, I'd rather not know that. That would seriously hurt me, probably moreso than any other answer.

Okay, new mantra, "I'm hot and worth the trouble. I'm hot and worth the trouble."

Anonymous said...

Sarah really who cares if his friends like you or not when it comes down to it the only people that really matter in a relationship are the couple not the group around

MsThang said...

Very true (to the last comment). Besides it's only 2 friends, who I am sure have made a big stink about it to the others, but you did nothing to the rest of them and your chances of redemption if done seperately from the she-witch are great. Plan a party and invite his "other friends" and woo them with your personality. Word will travel that you are not "that bad"

Jenni said...

Ms. Thang...I agreeeeee!!!

Sarah said...

Will y'all just write me letters of recommendation for Rebecca?

Dear Rebecca,

I don't know why you're giving our Desperate Sarah a hard time. She just wants to have fun with a guy she likes. Besides, she's cool, we swear!


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