This is so humiliating...

I made a couple of steps this weekend to improve the intimacy between Christopher and me. Others will laugh because it probably seems like nothing, but it was a conscious effort for me! Big steps requiring trust of the other person! (I realize I am slightly psychotic and the need to point this out after the post is unnecessary.)

Big Step #1

I had the house to myself this weekend. My father went out of town and took his dogs, leaving me only responsible for mine. When Christopher called Saturday night, he was so drunk he slurred his words. I took advantage of his altered state and asked if I could bring my dog with me when I came over that night. He agreed without any protest. He hasn't met her yet and he immediately invited her onto the bed with him. Then he teetered into the kitchen and fed her peanut butter and old cheese for about 10 minutes. He was really great with her and I soon found myself in charge of 2 children. "Don't do that! It's late and you'll get her all excited!" I repeated over and over again.

Big Step #2

I called him "Baby." I'm pretty standard and unoriginal with my pet names- guys are either a "Baby," a "Honey," or a "Pooh." It was the first time I used it when I wasn't unclothed which in a way made me more vulnerable because I didn't have anything to blame it on. When I used it his back was to me and he responded to the name without giving me any grief over it. I lost my nerve and only used it the once.

Big Step #3

I have a scar on my forehead. To me it's unsightly and half the reason I have bangs; others don't notice it. He asked how I got it. There are 2 versions of the story: the truth and the story I made up for everyone else. I decided to tell Christopher the truth, which put him in a hysterical laughing fit for 5 minutes. So I finally told him something about myself, moreover something that's rather secretive. Not even my parents know the truth, only the nurse who stitched me up.

Big Step #4

When I got up to leave Sunday morning, I leaned in and told him to kiss me goodbye. I've never initiated a kiss with him before. It was still awkward. Maybe he just can't kiss, it's his kryptonite to an otherwise flawless existence. That's how I'm going to justify it anyways, I know I don't have any problem in that department.

So I feel like I'm 14 after writing that. I'm an adult who is sleeping with someone and here I am, documenting the small things.

12:04 PM. Jimmy brushed my hand at lunch today. He made it look like an accident, but I think it was a sign that means he really likes me. I had Cheetos stuck in my braces, but I don't think he noticed. Jimmy is so haut. He's my soul mate, I don't know what I'll do if he never realizes this. Jimmy & Sarah 4 eva!
Jenny sent a postcard in to Post Secret about Mark and how she wanted to kill herself when he took Melissa to prom. She's so artistic. Maybe I'll do the same and Jimmy will finally ask me out...

Okay, I feel better now that I got that out of my system!

It felt good to make those steps. Christopher was so great with my dog which is really important to me. The only thing that didn't feel natural was that kiss. It really does feel wrong to be completely and unabashedly comfortable with his body except for his lips. Not sure how to fix this, or if there even is a solution for it. But if that's the most of our problems, things are going pretty well.