~Thursday, March 16, 2006

Ponderings

So this friend of mine just broke up with the love of her life. It came as quite a shock to me. I thought they would be together forever. I thought she had found it, you know -- the great love. Not only did she find a partner, but they had the "wow" factor together. Their love was so pure and so intense that I feel privileged for just being able to be around it and catch an inside glimpse of something so wonderful.

And now they aren't together anymore. I know she's in this inconsolable immense pain right now, and I'm there for her as much as I can be, but I can't help thinking about myself. If a couple with that fire can't make it work, what shot do I have for love?

I've never loved anyone like that. Not even close. Sometimes I'll be in a relationship and I'll step out of my body and look at him and think, Why am I even with this person? I don't love him. Like I said that I loved Mark, but after all is said and done, I'm not sure that I did. Maybe that is just the bitter aftertaste of the relationship, but other than my first love, I don't feel like I'm able to confidently say that I have loved anyone else.

My friend gave everything of herself into that relationship and it just didn't work out. What chance is there for me, someone who is wandering through life, not really feeling anything for anybody? I'm not even sure I believe in love. I've never been around it: my parents divorced when I was very young and I don't remember anything but them fighting, my mother remarried someone she didn't love just to give us a father figure, my father remarried his mistress and the first time he even told me he loved her was last month... and they've been married 17 years. I've never even had a roommate who was in a relationship. I've never seen it: love in action. The only things I know of love I've learned from sitcoms and movies, and let's face it, that isn't love.

I have a date today. He's bald. I am so bad about that because I'm just not attracted to bald men. I've broken up with several very nice guys just because they didn't have a single hair on their heads. My mother yells at me and tells me I'm too superficial, but I can't help what I am or am not attracted to. He really likes me so I'm going to go and try to have a nice time. I hope I have a nice time.

I hope.

4 comments:

~ martha ~ said...

You'll find love Sarah, don't settle. It'll be worth the wait.

Jenni said...

Wow. You've got some serious obstacles to overcome when it comes to love. Recognizing, accepting, giving...it's all complicated, especially when you haven't had good examples. Love will likely find you when you least expect it.

1 Corinthians 13
The Greatest Gift
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Angel Girl said...

Wow, what can I say after having my heart completely crushed? I think that any amount of love is ALWAYS worth the gamble. Yes I poured EVERYTHING into this relationship and many others, but I can walk away and say I had the greatest love for even a season in my life.

Don't let stories like mine or others get you down or even prevent you from opening up to others. The greatest loves happen when you leave yourself wide open to whatever love may bring in, including heart break. No matter what happens this love I experienced will be one of the greatest experiences of my life because I was loved immensely for that short period in time.

Go out there with your head held high and walk tall - proud to be an independent, beautiful, fun, caring woman. Fuck the ones who want to take advantage of that, fuck the ones who can't handle that, and fuck anyone else who says differently.. Because no matter how many times I may get shitted on for being all of those things, I will NEVER let anyone change that within me.

YOU ARE FANTASTIC INSIDE AND OUT.

M said...

I know exactly what you mean, god I could have written this post even *hugs*

and maybe your date will surprise you :)

 

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