~Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I made it out alive

I haven't heard from Christopher in 3 weeks. This is the longest we've gone without seeing each other. The overall emotion I'm feeling right now? Relief. I am honest to God relieved that he hasn't called.

As much as I liked him, and the way we got along, he didn't give me something I knew I needed: emotional support. I could have never dated him exclusively; I could have never settled for someone who couldn't love me. In retrospect, I think one of the smartest things I did was to constantly look for someone else, even if it did kick me in the ass. I enjoyed him, I appreciated him, but I never thought that he was the end answer.

The distance I created by trying to see other people kept me from getting hurt. I am getting out of this alive. I am getting out of this without shedding a single tear. I am so proud of myself.

It ended the way I wanted it to: by dissipation. I have no ugly memories of him-- no harsh words were exchanged, no sitting through reasons why it could never work. To be honest, I've barely given him any thought. This probably testifies that there was never any emotion there to begin with, so much the better.

I hope he doesn't call me again. When he sets his mind to something, he can become pretty convincing. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to say "no" to him. This way, I won't have to.

He gave me a lot, and I'm grateful for that. He's the best looking guy I've ever been with, which boosts my self-esteem. He's the best sex I ever had, and I hope I remember enough to take with me what he taught me. He was always kind and treated me decently.

But I know that there are better things waiting for me out there.


Jenni said...

It's great that you are feeling like this. I hope the relationships you choose in the future are meaningful and give you what you need. You don't need emptiness or a fling.

your sin city friend said...

Um, I say everyone needs a fling sometimes. As long as you use protection they are harmless fun for both parties.

But anyway Sarah, I meant to say WOOHOO that he hasn't called you, and here is hoping he never does!

Angel Girl said...

I completely agree with Sin City, flings are fun and can be an ego booster as long as you are able to keep it in check and they don't start becoming the only thing you look for in the long run. Look at all you have accomplished mentally, and how much you have learned about yourself in the process. You go girl!


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