The Rules: a book review

Oh dear god.

Has anyone actually read this?

It's completely psychotic.

Let me quote for a minute:

Do everything you possible can to put your best face forward. If you have a bad nose, get a nose job...

Seriously?

I'm at a loss for words here.

Let's continue:

Men prefer long hair, something to play with and caress. It doesn't matter what your hairdresser and your friends think. You're certainly not trying to attract them! Let's face it, hairdressers are notorious for pushing exciting, short haircuts on their clients; trimming long hair is not fun for them...

These women are the Nazis of the dating world! Short haired women with unfortunate noses go straight to the gas chamber. They do not pass go, they do not collect $200.

The book never pauses long enough to decide whether or not you like the man, that doesn't seem the point here. It seems like the goal of this book is to find a man who loves you more than you love him. That way, you'll never get hurt. Actually, I'm sure if I search long enough, I could make that a direct quote.

It was filled with "evidence" to prove themselves right. There's one rule that a woman is never supposed to talk to a man first. Never ever. Then it goes on:

Our dentist friend Pam initiated a friendship with Robert when they met in dental school several years ago by asking him out to lunch. She spoke to him first. Although they later became lovers and even lived together, he never really seemed "in love" with her... He recently broke up with her over something trivial.

First of all, Pam doesn't exist. Secondly, this is as close to comedic gold as it gets.

And now, the Rules I broke on Sunday:

• Rule #3: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much. I filled silences by asking him questions. The book says to let him struggle through those silences. I'm so naughty!
• Rule #4: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date. Because he paid for dinner, I bought a beer later on, I'm such a rebel!
• Rule #11: Always End a Date First. I didn't, E did. Whoops.

So I am destined for a lifetime of loneliness and misery. Shucks.