~Tuesday, July 11, 2006

An early morning drive home

Something had to change. I was already in a funk and used Conor's party as an escape, but between the guy with the girlfriend and Conor in all his glory, I was even worse off than before.

Making the trek home at ungodly Tuesday morning hours, I thought about statistics. Statistics has both dependent and independent variables. I always thought of myself as the independent variable, that if I change enough and tweak enough aspects of my personality, I would find a man. Some weekends I would wake up and decide that I need new pajamas. I need the frilly lacy kind, the sexy kind. I decided that if that part changed, so would the outcome. Another weekend I decided that I had too much stuff in my apartment and I needed to let go of some things to make room in my life for someone else. The karmic purging would yield different results.

But the recent events: bad dates, badly behaving men, and freaking Conor—I am not the independent variable in all of this. I am the dependent variable. It's going to take the right man to come along and impress me for anything to change. It's not me; it's them. These boys are the lowest of the low and I didn't want any part of it. It is these guys who make the rest look bad.

As the sun peaked between the highrises, and I was more exhausted than I could even imagine, I decided to not change myself, but to change the prospects.

5 comments:

Jenni said...

Be picky,Sarah. Very picky. But I am hopeful, as you should be. He's out there. Really.

Stephanie said...

yeah. picky is good.
it's not about you being good enough for someone, it's about someone being good enough for you.

for real.

Nick said...

Ditto, picky is good. Don't settle or compromise. You deserve and should expect only the best.

Someone once told me that love is like a butterfly, the harder you chase it, the more elusive it is. But if you stop and sit down quietly for long enough, the butterfly will find you.

Good luck with it, babe.

M said...

hon it's definitely them! I refuse to believe that wanting someone who actually CARES about you is being picky, it's not!

AmyB said...

Wow...what a great outlook! And to think it worked! :o)

 

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