In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have gone on a first date in a tank top and blue jeans, but I accessorized it correctly and looked very cute.
We met at the restaurant I picked. I had driven by it several times and thought, "I would love to go there on a date." Mel was right, Lawson was not as cute as his picture, but he wasn't unattractive. He's one of those people whose personality will make or break his attractiveness. He talked and smiled a lot more than Mel had alluded and I dismissed their date to having no spark. We made small talk about school and the city.
When the bill came, I had no intentions of paying: he asked me out and it was the first date, but I knew guys at least appreciate the fake reach. So I fake reached into my purse. He said nothing. I grabbed my wallet. He said nothing. I fiddled with opening my wallet. Nothing. And finally I slapped down my plastic. Hmph.
Afterwards we had one more drink at a dive bar I've been wanting to go to before going home. I paid for my drink there too.
At his car I hugged him goodbye and he said he had a good time. I knew he liked me and that was a confidence booster, but I hadn't made my mind about him yet.
At home I received an e-mail from him. It was very nice, stating he had a good time and wanted to do it again. He added he "might not be going out of town this weekend" like he thought and for me to give him a call. I hmphed at the computer screen. Me call him? On the off-chance he didn't go out of town? I don't think so. So I thought I was being ultra clever with guiding him on what to do. I merely responded back, "Why don't you give me a call when you know you're not going for sure?"
I collapsed on the couch. I was buzzed from the 3 beers I had. I couldn't believe it only took 3 beers. I hadn't been drinking much lately, but 3 beers? The TV was on but I couldn't really watch it. And then my phone rang, it was Lawson.
"Okay, I'm definitely not going out of town this weekend," he said. "I'm having dinner with friends on Friday, but I'm free after that."
I put my hand on my head. I was pretty buzzed. "Saturday would be better for me." A date on two consecutive nights is weird.
"Okay, well you give me a call on Saturday and we'll figure things out."
What is with this guy? Look, I appreciate the e-mail. An e-mail and a phone call the same night as the date is unheard of; I was in some unprecedented dating territory. I'm a lucky girl, I get that. But why do I have to call the guy? I'm not comfortable with calling the guy; he is supposed to call me. Romance me. The only thing I'm supposed to do the first couple of dates is show up. Frankly, I like it that way. But here I'm supposed to call the guy the day of the date to schedule it, where I'll invariably have to plan it, meet him there, and likely pay my own way. I'm guessing that I'll have to open my own doors too. I'm not used to putting forth this much effort.
When do you lower your standards? Do I really not go out with him again because I have to call? When do you realize that maybe you have too-high standards? Is who calls really that much of a big deal?
If he called me and asked me out properly and gave me a time and a place on Saturday, I would have accepted. But to put all the weight on me? That makes me uneasy. What do I do?
10:01 AM
3 weeks ago
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8 comments:
The whole thing bothers me... a friend who has already had a bad experience with him, the breaking of the "you ask, you pay" rule, the weirdness of the "you call me" over and over... none of this bodes well...
I wouldn't proceed any further with someone like this... at least not without chiding myself later for missing the clues. :-)
I know exactly what you mean. That would frustrate me as well. Why call and not schedual it right then and there? He was already on the phone. It's like some sort of game play. HOWEVER, he could more than make up for this by being a great person...so hey, you never know, right?
When you look at the span of a relationship I think women more than make up for the guy paying on the first date - especially if they asked for the date. I mean seriously! But I always offer to pay anyway. If the guy agrees that I should pay then that holds certain connotations for me.
Go with your gut on this. It's all rubbing you the wrong way. YOU make the rules. He didn't pay -2 strikes. You don't like the "you call him" game -1 strike....3 and HE'S OUT. I think you are reasonable and so are your standards. Don't put up him if he doesn't walk the line.
Maybe's he's taking the more timid approach. You chose the restaurant, the bar and now he's letting you choose when and where to hang out on saturday.
I personally think that it doesn't matter who calls who. If you like each other then someone is going to eventually pick up the phone and want to hang out.
First date, the gentleman pays. Period. There is none of this egalitarian nonsense in the dating game unless you're a woman who insists on paying her own way as a means of ensuring no other sort of obligation ensues. But again, that wouldn't factor into a gentleman's thinking.
Second date, he asks, or at least discusses with you your availability but some definite offer is on the table about a time, place and event (movie perhaps this time, or a day time date, walk around an art gallery, stroll in the park - gee, picnic in the park with him doing all the preparation and you bringing along a bottle of nice wine, perhaps)
Throw up some obstacles in your way and watch how he overcomes them. If he gives up too easily, it's not a good sign.
NEXT!!
I was going to leave a comment but after reading Nick's I just want to say I agree with them. A woman should never have to pay especially on the first date. Don't ever lower your standards!!! The right guy will come around sometimes it just takes longer than we want it to.
he pays for the first date
I think that all assumes the guy asks the girls out. If the girl asks the guy out, it's up to her if she wants to go dutch or pay for it. To me who pays is a question of courtesy, not sexism. One should never invite oneself out to something with the expectation of someone else paying.
I agree with Nick, chivalry is not dead so therefore don't give up on it. I think women give up too quickly on setting standards of how they expect to be treated and always regret it later.
I do agree to a point with who asks pays, but in a way he's forcing her to be in that position in this case, and just like we are expected to give the obligatory fake offer to pay they should do the same.
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