My married friend, who only has the best of intentions, called me while I was at work Friday to scold me for not updating my another one of my blogs of all things. She has two kids and spends all day on MySpace. She doesn't understand things like I can't answer 20 e-mails a day, IMing is a work no-no, and I probably shouldn't be gabbing on my cell phone. I called her back after work, when I was barefoot in my SUV and maneuvering through traffic.
"I thought about you this morning," she says. "I was driving to work with my husband-- we carpool you know-- and I said we're in our thirties, our kids will be in elementary school. When Sarah's in her thirties, she'll just be beginning to have kids. It'll be harder on her body and the chances of her having a girl will be astronomical. It'll also be more likely she'll have twins."
My mouth opened and closed a few times, words never appearing. I felt like I was slapped in the face. I felt like I was at Bridget Jones's dinner party with the smug marrieds. "Yes we're single because we have scales under our clothes." Inwardly I knew she was jealous and was justifying having children at such a young age to herself, but I've never had being single thrown in my face before. I thought I still had a few years left before that started to happen.
I called E, who would understand perfectly how I felt. "Did you tell her that you're more financially stable having kids in your thirties?" she snapped. My married friend had just admitted that day that he mother gives her money when she needs it.
"Or that couples who wait until after 25 to marry have like an 80% chance that the marriage will work out?" I responded. We've both done our reading. The married friend just finished telling me a story about almost filing for divorce before they decided to squeeze out the extra kid.
"Who's to say I even want kids?" I continued. "Maybe I want an enormous alcohol budget."
"Or travel money instead of college tuition."
"Damn right!"
Then I went on to tell E how much I've grown. I've lived on my own since I was 18, and have been financially independent since I was 22, but moving to a new city and starting over made me stronger than I ever realized I could be. I couldn't believe how much I have changed since April.
E agreed and said the married one will never be this strong because she's never lived on her own and will never have the lives we lead.
I've been operating under the impression that I'm a strong independent girl for the past few months now. My MO has completely turned a 180. I'm picky when it comes to dates. It's been about whether I like the guy, not how he feels about me. Screw whether he likes me or not. It's what I feel that counts.
This was factor one in Saturday night's meltdown.
12:34 PM
1 month ago
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8 comments:
You are soooo right! It's your choice and your LIFE!! Your married friend sounds immature, insensitive, and overall clueless. You are young, happy, free and beautiful. "Married friend" is so jealous it's sad. Make your own rules and have a margarita for me.
Ooh Jenni, NONE of that applies to you!!!
I hate those patronizing married friends. It's like when people pair up they want everyone else in the world to join the chain gang so that it validates their own choice of coupledom! (??)
There was so much ammo that you could have thrown her way (re: screaming children, at home lonely all day, divorce pending, child to save marriage, etc) - yet it's like they think they can't be touched! There's good and bad to both sides.
When I found out my friend was my age and had totally given up on dating, much less ever having kids, and had moved her parents in with her, I felt sad for her. But!
I did eventually come to the conclusion that it was me trying to put my value onto her situation. Some time ago I tried to figure out what was important to me, and what my purpose in life is. I figure that what I care about is (a) having kids and (b) making a positive difference, even a small one, in society.
Just because that's what I feel is important doesn't mean that that is what *should* be important to everyone. That would just be another form of trying to impose my belief system on others...
So, she works with Habitat for Humanity, says she's happy being a workaholic, and that's that.
Sigh, sigh, sigh... I do wish I had had the nerve to try dating her when we were teenagers... :-)
Oh, and WTF was going through your married friend's head that she would call you up and say such things (astronomical?)??
It's like there's something going on there... some little problem in her life stressing her, causing her to be rude... or at least I hope this is unusual!
Yeah, it sounds like there is something there deeper. Perhaps envy that you are comfortable enough in your own skin to not have to have someone at your side to validate your own self worth.
I am not going to say all couples are like that, but I do agree that once they have moved on to the next step you are all of a sudden viewed as the "irresponsible, self loving one". There is nothing irresponsible with making the choice to hold out for you, and absolutely nothing wrong with loving yourself. If you won't who will?
I was worried about moving back to Brisbane since most of my friends are married with kids until I discovered the underground singles club.
We plan on holding once a month weekend meetings at beach houses and resorts that have no pool fences, sharp corners on furntiure and exposed power points.
That's what E said too, "What kind of person just calls you up to tell you these things?!"
Ugh.
Yes, I think I'm going to drink vodka near some open light sockets. Then I have plans to leave all the cabinets conaining hazardous checmicals open. :)
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