E is an emotional wreck right now. She went out with the police officer and he missed the time he said he'd call her by three days. She's really upset because she really liked him.
"Why did he say he would call me at a specific time if he had no intention of calling?" she sniffed. "If he just would have said, 'Nice to meet you,' I wouldn't be upset at all. He led me on!"
E and the police officer e-mailed continually for a week. They sent 40-something e-mails between them. This is not including the hours they spent on the phone.
If it was me, and I would never say this to her, I would have waited 24 hours before responding to his e-mails. It would give me a chance to compose my response without the giddiness of the new relationship prospect. Besides, you never know if someone Photoshops out his third eye in his photos. You don't want to waste a significant amount of time on a guy with a third eye; you always have to keep things in perspective. But then again, I'm a huge cynic.
Under my system, it would have amounted to about four e-mails. Nothing to cry over if she never heard from him again.
She's crying into the phone. "I just want you to be happy," I said. "Too bad he's a cop, we can't really eff with him without getting into trouble with the law."
"I just want you to be happy too," she said.
"Here's the thing: I am happy. I love my life. I don't need a boyfriend; I just want one."
"But how come you never get upset over guys?"
"Honestly? I'm used to disappointment. I've reached the point where I come to expect it. Most of the time I view them as adversaries more than as people I would want to give my heart to."
I was silent for a minute. I thought about what Vince mentioned on more than one occasion: I seemed wounded. I imagined a bird with a broken wing trying to fly. She's flapping her wings, but she never makes it off the pavement.
"That's not good," E said.
Which is worse: to give your heart away flippantly and have to deal with heartache from careless people, or to be so guarded it's hard to give people a chance?
*Thinks back to the extrovert from Friday* I don't care what you say, guys should never use "big," "giant," or "huge" when talking about a girl he's trying to impress. Not in any context-- you can't even say she has a huge personality.
11:45 AM
5 days ago
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8 comments:
This is essentially the argument Jen and I have regularly.
I admit that the risks are different for girls and boys. I think I'm much more likely to be safe putting my heart into a strange girl's hands than a girl would be with a guy, but that could just be a prejudice of mine.
But...
I feel that I spent a large portion of my life walled off from other people, and I was very unhappy because of it.
Even though I had a bad stretch this year due to one of those careless people (D, took me months to really get back to where I was), I stand behind the idea of opening yourself up to risk. I firmly believe that the two incredible, wonderful relationships I had last fall would not have happened if I hadn't been willing to get naked, soul-wise.
I haven't chosen to do this with everyone, but I have chosen to do it fully and completely with selected people. I haven't found anyone for a few months now that seems right, and some days I struggle with the question of if this is because I'm just not meeting the right someone or if I'm devolving back into shyness.
If it is the latter, I vow to fix it. I've already seen the difference it makes, to take risks, to be bold, to live.
D was the romantic version of my leg injury. I have discovered fun (in dating, in soccer). There will be some pain, but it's a small price to pay when it makes life happy and hopeful and I am no longer just passing time until I die.
*Sigh* That was pretty damn beautiful.
And I'm glad you acknowledge that it is a more precarious postion for women. When men put themselves out there they look romantic. When women do, they look psychotic.
I find it so hard not to be the 'once bitten twice shy' girl, but I guess I am. I wish I was more 'caution to the wind' girl though. I view them as adversaries more than as people I would want to give my heart to - I can identify with this to a certain extent.
re: huge/big etc. I heard this as a topic on the radio the other day. Even the male DJ was like: "you'd have to be an IDIOT to use those words EVER". Women are everywhere! We're not some big secret. It's not that hard to figure out what to do and not to do.
Maybe the cop is just shy/nervous?? I hope that's the case anyway (or that he has a REALLY good excuse), and he calls soon. Otherwise, god I don't even know what to say about that. It makes me sad when they say they will... but they don't. Why the big lead on?
Wow Vince that was completely beautiful! All I can say is that I completely agree with his words, you just have to pick and choose who gets to see that side and you may go through a long period of time not finding anyone worthy of that type of openess, which is completely normal.
I will say that despite the hurt and pain I am going through now, I wouldn't change any of it.. It's scary to leave yourself raw, open, volnurable, naked to someone else but it's the most rewarding experience ever.
Maybe he got tied up with a big investigation and hasn't been free to call.
40 e-mails does sound a little excessive though.
Vince is correct; we have this discussion (I prefer that term to argument) on a regular basis.
I am the guarded one. The one with a huge wall around me. Actually it is more like a series of walls that get progressively higher. These walls have gotten me into trouble because for some they are just too daunting. However, the same series of walls has saved me from complete meltdown.
Basically what I am saying is that walls/being guarded/using caution in matters of the heart is necessary. I use the walls as protection but I am not adverse to letting people through. The key is learning when to let people in.
I am not saying that you are always going to let the right people in but like in most cases you learn by trial and error. I like to believe that those walls will melt away when I meet and get to know "the one."
And don't be surprised if I revisit this topic in my blog. :P
I'm totally with you Jen. Why go through the unnecessary pain?
to give your heart away flippantly and have to deal with heartache from careless people
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